Deviled Eggs

1.    Boil water.

2.    Once the water reaches a boil, gently put in your eggs.

3.    Gently.

4.    Be gentle.

5.    Even though you want to throw the eggs against the wall, be gentle.

6.    Let the water boil for 10 minutes.

7.    Even though they say not to, watch the water boil.

8.    It will help.

9.    It will help soothe your heart.

10. The bubbles and the sound and the heat. It will help.

11. It will help.

12. Once 10 minutes have passed, run cold water over the eggs.

13. Do not touch the hot eggs. You will burn your skin. And as much as you want to feel pain DO NOT TOUCH THE BURNING EGGS.

14. Peel the eggs under cold water.

15. Keep your hands under the water.

16. Allow the coolness to ease the stress you carry in your fingers and palms and knuckles. Ease the tension you've carried around all day because your hands are curled into fists. Let them open. Let them bathe in the water.

17. Watch the water run over your hands and over the eggs. Watch the water run down your wrist. Remember the way he touched your wrists?

18. DON’T.

19. Don’t think about anything except what you’re doing.

20. Just think about the eggs.

21. Eggs are solid.

22. Eggs are simple.

23. Eggs will not let you down.

24. Eggs will not disappoint.

25. Eggs will not insult.

26. Eggs cannot be cruel the way life can be cruel.

27. Once the eggs are peeled, arrange them neatly on a cutting board. Make them look nice. You don’t get to control much in life. Nothing really. Nothing at all. So, take advantage of this moment. Arrange the eggs into a shape. A flower. A smile. A heart. A circle. A square. Something. Do something. Make the moment last before you have to move on. Before you have to go back to reality.

28. Take out a knife from the drawer. Make sure it is sharp. So sharp. So sharp that if you were to cut your finger, it would slice it completely off. But you won’t do that. You won’t because you don’t need to. Because you have your eggs.

29. Slice the eggs in half vertically. The long way. Try as much as possible to make them equal. 50/50. With an even amount of yolk on each side. DO NOT CRY IF YOU GET IT WRONG. DO NOT SCREAM. IT IS NOT LIFE AND DEATH. IT IS ONLY EGGS.

30. Ignore the capital letters. I am just trying to help. I am just trying to get you to forget. To let you enjoy. To give you some peace.

31. Once the eggs are sliced, take out a small spoon. A cute spoon. A spoon that reminds you of the little things that are enjoyable. A spoon that makes you smile. That makes you remember that it doesn’t have to be so bad. That everything doesn’t have to be so serious. That some things are only what they are. Some things are only about eggs.

32. With your spoon, your little, cute, spoon, take out the yolk and put them in a bowl. A round bowl. A clear bowl. A bowl that if you were to stare at, you could see your face looking back at you. The yolk will make this an interesting picture. The yolk will distort your features. Make you look like you have lumps on your face. Yellow, greenish, lumps. This should make you chuckle. This should bring you some joy. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY. LIGHT. ENJOY THE LIGHTNESS.

33. Add spicy mustard and mayonnaise to the yolk. Sprinkle it on delicately. NO. HEAVY POUR THAT SHIT. Remind yourself that some things can be enjoyed to excess. It’s ok to get wild, to relish, to be extravagant. It’s ok to be messy. Get the mustard and mayonnaise everywhere (within the bowl, not the floor or the walls. Let’s not be TOO crazy). Enjoy this. Enjoy the act of squeezing the condiments out of the bottles. Listen to Metallica while you do this. His favorite song. You know the one. It’ll make the moment that much better.

34. Add salt and pepper. Add it like he used to. Lik-

35. NO.

36. Just add the salt and pepper. Do not think about him.

37. DON’T.

38. With your little spoon, your cute spoon, stir the mustard and mayonnaise and salt and pepper and yolk together. Stir it and let your mind wander. Do not think about the past, though. Do not think about the things you regret. All the things you regret. Him. Do not think about him. There is no point, don’t you see? There is only eggs and mustard and mayonnaise and yolk. There is only the act of stirring. There is no past. There is no future. There is only now. There is only you and the bowl.

But when I stir, I see his face.

39. Don’t.

It’s not on purpose. It’s accidental. Inevitable. I always see his face.

40. This is why we are cooking. To forget. To enjoy. TO BE LIGHT.

But I want to see his face. I want to remember the way he looked. The way he smiled. The roundness of his cheeks like the roundness of this bowl. The smoothness of his skin like the smoothness of this spoon. I want to remember his sweetness. His smell. The way he smelled like eggs. And don’t you want to? Don’t you want to think about him? You’ve mentioned him several times already.

41. I can’t help it.

I know.

42. Most people don’t like smelling like eggs, you know?

I know. But I liked it. We liked it.

43. We did. We do. We miss it.

44. We miss it.

45. We miss it.

46. We-

Keep going. Please.

47. Once you stir completely. Once you have satisfied your sadness, your happiness, your nostalgia. Once you have mixed the yolk and mustard and the tears you’ve shed that have dripped into the bowl, you spoon the mixture into the empty eggs. You fill their emptiness with your creation. You pat the eggs gently. If you push too hard, if you try to fill too much, the eggs will crack. Don’t crack. Don’t break. Fill. Gently fill. Smooth them over with the spoon like he used to smooth your hair. Remember that?

I do.

48. Take out the parsley. You hate parsley, I know.

I do. I hate it.

49. I know, but you need it for this. It’ll add to the taste. Take out the parsley and slice. Slice it into small bits. Small enough where you can barely taste it. Where it really is just a garnish. But put it on there. Put it on because he loved parsley, and even though you hate it, he loved it which is why we’re doing this in the first place right? Because even though we started out trying to forget, there is no forgetting. That is impossible. It is only possible to remember. To reminisce. To make something he loved.

50. Sprinkle the cuts of parsley onto the eggs. Sprinkle. Don’t go crazy like you did with the mustard and mayonnaise. This is different. This is a drizzle, not a storm. We hate parsley so proceed with caution.

51. Take out the paprika. POUR IT ON. POUR IT ALL OVER THE EGGS. Pour so much that your eyes start to water. You want to feel, don’t you?

Yes.

52. Good. This will help you feel. This will help you realize how alive you are. How even though you’re in pain, you’re alive. You’re not numb. You can still taste paprika, and it is GOOD. It is REALLY GOOD.

53. Take out orange juice and champagne. Pour them both into a coffee mug. A giant coffee mug. DO NOT DO THIS EVERYDAY.

I know that.

54. Do you?

I do.

55. …

I will not drink orange juice and champagne everyday…I can’t afford it.

56. That’s not why you shouldn’t do it, but we’ll accept that for now. Pour both into a coffee mug. It is ok to do this. Once. To go a little overboard. To do it because you know you need to. Have to. Have to get your mind a little blurry.

57. Eat the eggs. Eat all the eggs. Eat until you can’t.

58. Drink the mimosa. Enjoy it. (But don't get too crazy).

59. And when you are finished.

60. When you feel like it is enough.

61. Move on.

62. Sleep.

63. It has been so long since you’ve slept.

64. And it’s what he would’ve wanted. He would want you to rest. To be ok.

65. Be ok.

66. Be ok.

67. Try to be ok.

I will try. I cannot promise. Who can, you know? Who can promise to be ok when at the moment, I am so not ok.

I am so the opposite of ok.

But. I’ll. Try.

68. Good.

69. Enjoy your Deviled Eggs.

70. Enjoy them just like he did. Just like he would want you to.