On the Midway

As darkness descended, organ music tinkled merrily and colored lights from numerous attractions lit up the sky. I entered a striped, red and white tent and stepped up to a chipped wooden counter where four airsoft guns were interspersed and chained to holders. Each gun was specially made with a scope for sighting – the target, a wooden clown with big floppy feet, a flower sprouting upwards from his lapel. The clown’s mouth, painted a garish orange, was stretched into a wide grin that appeared simultaneously foolish and frightening. The effect was heightened by the clown’s bright blue shiny eyes that, although made of some cheap polished marble, appeared all too real, like he was watching my every move.

His eyes reminded me of the all seeing, roaming eyes of a face in a painted portrait in a haunted mansion in an old Scooby Doo cartoon, or the eyes behind a metal mask in the helmet of a suit of armor propped up in the corner of an ancient castle – the suit of armor not empty but with a sinister presence inside, ready to pounce on interlopers to his realm. Some sort of evil lurked within.

“Step right up folks!”, the game’s hawker said in a beckoning voice. “3 shots for $5. You're sure to win one of these great prizes.”

The carni was an older man with a bushy white mustache and eyes twinkling behind wire framed glass. He appeared jovial and grandfatherly. That is, until I got closer to him. Looking at him straight on, I saw his teeth were broken off and gray. The whites of his eyes were somewhat yellow, contrasting sharply with their blue color. The carni’s hands shook slightly as he caressed the barrel of the gun in a vaguely sinister, but loving way. I wondered what the man’s problem was and why he had the tremors – was he ill or on some sort of prescribed or recreational drug? Should he really be handling a gun, even if it was a relatively harmless airsoft gun?

Whatever the case, he appeared to be the real life embodiment of the wooden clown and the carnival itself. Carnivals were showy, full of life, bright lights, and fun – that is, until you looked underneath their cheaply painted surfaces and saw the cracks and decay lurking. I looked outside the tent, noticing that sparkly paint flecks dusted the ground and cellophane food wrappers were stuck in the chain link fence separating the midway from the crowded parking lot where cars were packed in like sardines. The people working the carnivals, or carnis, also appeared sketchy. It was rumored that most were either drug addicts or on the run from the law.

Yes, step right up to the haunted house, or the creaking Ferris wheel or the tilt-a-whirl that is manned by ex-cons and drugged out carnis. And as a bonus, the tilt-a-whirl just might smell like puke, puke from some teenybopper who ate too many corn dogs and sticky fluorescent cotton candy and then went on a dizzying assortment of rides to show off to his friends. Besides their smell, the rides appeared unsafe, depending on who assembled them and the care, or lack thereof, they took when doing the job. When they were last inspected by any kind of regulatory agency was anyone’s guess.

Of course, the games were no better than the rides. They promised thrills and excitement, but the promises were, for the most part, hollow. The sights on the gun were probably warped and skewed. The basketball shooting game adjacent to the guns was probably also similarly, intentionally flawed, the hoop infinitesimally too small to fit a standard sized basketball.

Well, what the heck. I may as well cap off my night by wasting a couple of bucks. I slapped a five dollar bill down, feeling suddenly reckless. So far, my whole night had sucked. I was supposed to meet up with this guy I really liked over by the funhouse, but he had ditched me for another girl. Not knowing what to do with myself and not wanting to appear like a lonesome loser, I had joined a group of so-called friends walking around the midway. I wasn’t really feeling it, though.

I didn’t want to be at the carnival anymore. I wanted to go home. I wondered if anyone else in my group felt that way. My friends were like me. We were all lovesick teenage girls, and everyone was on the prowl. Those of us who didn’t have dates made catty remarks about the other girls. Those “other girls” were not like us – they were successful at catching guys. I suspected most of them just went to the carnival to show off their popularity. Look at me, I caught myself a boyfriend, they were undoubtedly saying with an air of superiority, looking down their noses at the rest of us.

Yes, the carnival was the place to be on a hot summer night in our small town holding its annual Founder’s Day festival. There really wasn’t much to do in Hicksville or Sticksville, whatever you wanted to call our deadbeat town. I couldn’t wait to graduate and get out of there. No, I would be gone so fast that I wasn’t going to let the door hit me in the you know what.

“Thank you, little lady!”, the carni said, interrupting my thoughts as he pocketed my money. “That’ll get you three shots! Give it your best shot!” He extended his arm in a sweeping motion up towards some stuffed animals that were hanging from the tent’s rafters. “You might just win one of these great prizes!”

I glanced up. The stuffed animals were par for the course, similar to ones I had seen at other carnivals over the years. They looked cheap and poorly made. There was only one that caught my eye. It was a fluffy, baby blue teddy bear that looked incredibly soft to the touch. I fell instantly in love with it. It was the kind of prize that you should only win if you were on your way home. It was very large. It would be very unwieldy and heavy to carry around if you were going to walk around the carnival more. It did make a statement though. I would be a winner, after all, triumphantly carrying out that thing.

Who needed a guy around to win a prize for them? I would win it for myself, I decided. And, it would give me a good excuse to escape to my car and hightail it out of there. I had had enough fun for one night.

I picked up the gun and looked through the scope, pointing it carefully at the clown’s mouth. Just before I was about to squeeze the trigger, I noticed, out of the corner of my eye, the bright blond hair and pink T-shirt of Crystal, my rival, the girl who had stolen my date Ryan. She was now hanging onto his firmly muscled arm and parading past me in a miniskirt and flip flops. She let out a squeal of excitement. She was the type of girl who would never shoot her own gun. She would surely get a guy to shoot and win a prize for her.

“Look, Ryan! It’s Sarah! She’s got a gun. Watch out!”

Ryan laughed uneasily. “I think she’s harmless. She’s just trying to win a prize.”

I seethed inside. Why did they have to show up now? Just when I was about to shoot my target. I was sure to make a fool out of myself in front of them. Knowing it couldn’t get any worse, I closed my eyes, said a silent prayer, and squeezed the trigger.

My shot, of course, went wild. It didn’t hit the clown at all, but struck a metal pole on the tent’s frame, making an alarming clanging sound.

“Easy there, missy”, said the carni. “Take your time. Look at your target. Don’t let no one get in your head.”

Surprisingly, he no longer seemed sinister. Maybe I just needed a friendly face, or moral support or something, but his words sounded encouraging. I was pathetic, I decided. Hanging onto the words of some old carni.

Nevertheless, I nodded grimly. “Yeah, you’re right. I need to aim better this time.”

I carefully sighted the gun, looking directly at the clown’s grinning mouth. I took care to steady my hands and pulled the trigger firmly. The gun fired and I jumped backwards in recoil. This time the pellet hit the giant daisy mere inches away from the clown’s mouth. After the impact, the flower bobbed jauntily. Seeing the flower swing towards him on its stem, I imagined the clown laughing at me, his mouth stretched out even more broadly.

“One more shot, little lady,” the carni said. “Take your time. You can do it!” His eyes twinkled mischievously. “I know you’ve got your heart set on the blue teddy. He’s all yours! All you gotta do is get the bullet in the clown's mouth. Give it to him, right in the kisser!”

I felt myself redden. His words of encouragement were surely drawing attention to me. And did he have to use the word kisser?

Still, I appreciated the old man’s support. I once again bent down and aimed carefully, holding myself very still and sighting in on that wide orange smile. This time, I felt the clown was both mocking me and daring me to hit him. Go ahead, make my day, he seemed to be saying.

I’ll take you up on that dare, buddy, I thought grimly. I once again sent a prayer up towards the heavens and pulled the trigger. This time, my shot was even closer. The pellet grazed the clown’s lips and bounced away, without ever entering the deep abyss of his mouth.

“Oh no!” I groaned. “So close!”

“I’m sorry, missy!” The carni said sympathetically. “Better luck next time!”

He then turned to Ryan and Crystal. “Do you two care to play?”

“Yeah, Ryan! Let’s do it!”, Crystal urged. “Will you win me that pretty blue, giant teddy bear?”

“Sure thing!” Ryan said confidently.

My eyes suddenly stung with tears. Crystal had not only taken Ryan away from me, but now she was threatening to take away "my" teddy bear as well. It just wasn't fair.

I turned around and hurried before I fell apart any further. I couldn’t imagine how the night could get any worse. I took one last look back at the clown. His mouth still stretched out broadly and nonsensically. The way the night was going Ryan would probably win him for Crystal. Maybe that would make the clown grin even more.

To my surprise, the old carni raised his hand in farewell, winking at me as he did so. His eyes once again twinkled behind his glasses.

“So long! Hope to see you again soon!”

“Goodbye. Thank you.”

I stumbled away and walked at a fast clip across the midway, the bright carnival lights receding in the distance the closer I got to my car. The calliope sound of the merry go round’s organ grew ever fainter.

At last, I opened the car door and sunk into my bucket seat. Back to reality. By now, I was no longer upset. I was simply drained of all energy and slightly depressed. The carnival had promised great fun and excitement, but had failed to deliver. I needed to go home and lick my wounds in peace. I turned the key in the ignition and drove away, not looking back.

The drive seemed endless. I was tired. It was fairly late, although I didn’t think I had broken my curfew. I didn’t actually live in town. I lived down a rural road, on a sprawling farm where we raised dairy cows and corn. At this time of night, there was not another car in sight, not since I lived so far out in the country. In contrast to the bright twinkling carnival lights and jaunty music, it was now pitch black outside and deathly still. I couldn’t tell if the stars were shining. My attention was solely focused on the road, as it should be. I was still a new driver and drove carefully and conscientiously.

Since there were no other cars on the road, I turned my brights on. I didn’t really mind driving at night, but at this point, I just wanted to get home. It had been a long day. I glanced at the road up ahead.

Suddenly, I noticed a figure standing alone in the middle of the road, dressed all in white, holding a light blue object aloft. I didn’t think I had been speeding, but I was anxious to get home. I hoped I hadn’t been going too fast. I frantically slammed on the brakes. I couldn’t really judge the distance. I hadn’t once glanced at the speedometer and had no clue how close the person in the road was to me, nor how fast I was traveling. My heart leapt up in my throat. I prayed that I would not hit him. Why was someone standing in the road in the middle of the night?

The car's brakes let out a loud screech and lurched to a stop. Headlights shone on the man standing there. I stared at him dumbfounded. It was the old carni. He held the teddy bear out to me as the car barreled down upon him. Despite the speed of the car, the whole thing seemed to be happening in slow motion.

“I want you to have this,” he said, holding the bear aloft, his arm outstretched in the air, making an offering to the sky.

“I'm sorry!” I cried as the impact of the car struck him, drowning out his last words and causing a resounding thud.

The man crashed to the ground, his glasses falling off and breaking, making him appear strangely naked and vulnerable, his eyes closed and no longer twinkling. The teddy bear fell with him, tumbling onto the hard cement. I gasped and felt myself befin to tremble. The carni lay still in a pool of rapidly congealing blood. The teddy bear, however, looked unscathed and perfect, its fur still fluffy. It rested innocently at the man’s feet.

“No!” I screamed.

I want you to have this, I heard him say again. I didn’t know if I heard those words aloud or if there were but a mere echo in my brain.

All at once, everything faded, and I remembered no more.

I finally came to, no longer in my car, but back home in my bedroom. I opened my eyes slowly and blinked in confusion. I was now lying in my bed, dressed in my favorite fuzzy pajamas. I looked around me. How had I gotten there? Had I fainted or merely fallen asleep? Did I really hit someone, that old man from the carnival standing in the middle of the road, or was this all just a strange dream? The fuzzy line between dream and reality was rapidly becoming even more blurry.

I glanced around my room once more for reassurance, hoping to spot some sort of clue.

“Mom?” I cried. There was no answer. The house was quiet. I squinted at my cell phone which I always keep plugged in by my bed. The time read exactly 12:00 midnight.

As I considered calling for my mother again, I saw, by the light of my phone, the squishy bean bag chair next to my bed. The beanbag was a catchall, a chair I never sat on but upon which I normally piled all my belongings – clothes, books, makeup, pens, hair bands. The amount of junk I accumulated was endless and ever changing.

To my surprise and horror, only one large item now rested on the beanbag, perched there regally as if it were his throne. It was the giant light blue teddy bear from the carnival looking beseechingly up at me. His bright fur seemed to light up the dark room, signaling his presence like twinkly lights on the midway.

Somehow I had ended up with the prize.