Freedom For Sale, $20.25

Crystal Collection For Sale, $20

Large collection of polished stones and raw crystal clusters, including amethyst, obsidian, selenite, tourmaline, quartz, jasper, lapis lazuli, and many more. My wife is devastated to say goodbye to them and we hope they end up with someone who will appreciate them. Purchase at your own risk, these crystals are considered “anti-Christian occult tools” and are banned by the Department of Faith. We are under investigation and cannot have these decorative items in our home when the feds come by later this week.

[Image description: An arrangement of small crystals and gems. Sunlight is streaming in from a nearby window and filtering through the crystals, casting a rainbow of colors onto the dark wood of the table. The crystals sparkle and shine, a stark contrast to the dour face of the woman sitting behind them, her arms outstretched as she offers her collection to potential buyers.]

Posted 5/13/25 at 2:44pm.

Rare Banned Books For Sale, $40

The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Attwood, Beloved by Toni Morrison, The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins, Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury, Gender Queer: A Memoir by Maia Kobabe, Critical Race Theory: The Key Writings that Formatted the Movement by Kimberle Crenshaw, and many others. Huge collection of sapphic fiction and romance books too, including titles like Last Night at the Telegraph Club by Malinda Lo and Girls Like Girls by Hayley Kiyoko. Some of these books may be a liability to own and are considered pornography, but they are completely out of print, so get them while you still can! Can you believe they passed legislation to criminalize spicy books? Sarah J. Maas was fined $100,000 for every one of her “fairy smut” books! Sadly, those books were too hetero for us, so we don’t have them to sell.

[Image description: Four different photos of dark green bookshelves, the books neatly arranged by author’s last name. The bookshelves are aesthetic, dotted with quirky bookends, candles in jars, and small potted plants. Twinkle lights dot the backs of the bookshelves. It is impossible not to smell coffee and leather in the final image which depicts a woman sitting in a chair by the bookshelves, tearfully clutching one of the books to her chest as a happy, clueless dog lies at her feet.]

Posted 5/13/25 at 4:12pm.

Women’s Professional Clothing For Sale, $200

I was fired from my corporate job, so I no longer need my curated collection of professional clothing and desperately need to turn these into cash. I’m not sure if there are any women who still have jobs in this country, but maybe you or someone you know will want to wear these around the house. Blouses, skirts, slacks, blazers, shoes, and handbags. Brands include Giorgio Armani, Ralph Lauren, Marc Jacobs, and many more. I’d donate what doesn’t sell to a domestic violence shelter, but all of those crisis centers have been closed. CASH ONLY, my bank account has been locked because I do not have a male co-signer!

[Image description: The interior of a woman’s walk-in closet. The clothes are arranged by color and season. There are soft cashmere sweaters, thick wool jackets, crisp pants pressed to perfection, and an endless array of fluttery chiffon skirts and dresses. A woman wearing sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt sits crisscross on the carpeted floor, surrounded by pairs of high heels and designer boots arranged around her like ducklings clinging to their mother.]

Posted 6/10/25 at 9:32am.

Misc. Home Furnishings For Sale, $500

Liquidating the entire townhouse! My wife is disabled and has been instructed by the Department of Productivity to voluntarily report to one of the new “housing centers” in California. The phone’s been ringing off the hook with threats that if she doesn’t bring herself in, they will send officers to retrieve her. We know what’s really going on in those prison camps and we’ve decided to file for asylum in Canada now that she has a valid claim. Eventually we hope to make it to Europe after we have the funds for air travel, so we’re downsizing before escaping this hell hole. Selling one queen sized mattress, a smart TV and entertainment center, pots and pans, bookshelves, dining table and chairs, bathroom towels, two desks, various lamps, a massive stash of quilting supplies and a sewing machine, and so much more. Price negotiable if you only want to buy a few things. CASH ONLY.

[Image description: A series of half a dozen photos of miscellaneous home furnishings. The photos are out of focus, as if the person taking them was in a rush. The home is chaotic and messy, the blinds closed so that no one can see inside. A woman’s blurry figure appears in one of the photos, her face gaunt and eyes hollow.]

Posted 6/30/25 at 3:02am.

Priceless Family Heirloom For Sale, $10

Unfortunately I cannot fit my great-grandmother’s antique wooden chest into the one suitcase I’m taking with me as we rush for the border. This cherished item dates back to the late 1800s and held all of her belongings when she came to the United States from Scandinavia. You might be able to sell it to a museum for a tidy sum, but I do not have time to do this myself and still escape. Listing it for well below its value so that hopefully it’ll end up in good hands and not thrown away with the rest of the things we are abandoning in our home. CASH ONLY.

[Image description: An antique chest lingers among the chaos of a life upended. Once ornately decorated, the paint is faded and chipping, the depictions of birds and flowers barely visible. It’s impossible not to hear the melancholy sound of a fiddle playing a slow and somber folk song. A woman crouches on the floor in the background of the photo, hunched over the pot of pasta she’s eating, unaware the photo is being taken. A dog lies on the floor next to her, eating the noodles she drops.]

Posted 7/1/25 at 1:58am.

Diamond Engagement Ring and Wedding Band For Sale, $200

Beautiful and well-loved engagement ring set. Purchased in 2015, but cleaned and tuned up in late 2022. There is writing engraved on the inside of the band, but I’m sure it can be removed. My wife’s asylum claim was approved, but since same sex marriages were annulled per the Supreme Court ruling, I was not able to go with her. Due to the war with Canada, the border is closed to all Americans except for approved asylum seekers. Apparently you need a legally recognized marriage in your country of origin to be able to claim asylum together. The feds have threatened to start rounding up queer folks, but as of right now my life is not in imminent danger so I cannot file for asylum. I gave all of our cash to my wife before she crossed into Canada because she’s too disabled to work and I did not expect to be waiting so long at the border. I’m living out of my car and need money to eat. Just doing what I can to survive. Happy 4th of July, I guess! CASH ONLY.

[Image description: A selfie of a woman lying in the backseat of her car. She’s wrapped in an itchy gray blanket, her hair is greasy, and her skin is so sallow it is almost green. She holds up her hand to display her wedding ring, her eyes lifeless and dead. A dog is huddled next to her, panting nervously.]

Posted 7/4/25 at 10:13am.

Very Sweet House Trained Labrador Mix, FREE

We left town so quickly with our baby Rosco that I didn’t get his vet records and a fresh rabies vaccination required for his entry to Canada. The vet offices here are overwhelmed with folks trying to bring their animals with them and I wasn’t able to get an appointment before my asylum application was approved. So I’m looking for a good home to adopt Rosco. He’s 7 years old, fully house trained, and knows basic commands. He’s good with kids and other pets. My heart is breaking. My wife didn’t even get to say goodbye, thinking we’d all be reunited across the border. Rosco comes with a collar, leash, crate, and food. Please be good to him. The feds are doing raids and arresting queer folks, so even though my asylum claim was cleared, I need to stay in hiding until I cross the border tomorrow morning. The humane societies are overwhelmed and unable to take more animals, so I will leave Rosco tied up at the park on Oleander Street. Fingers crossed that Zuckerberg is too busy running the Department of Media and Information to keep tabs on this account, otherwise I’m cooked. Just 12 more hours and I’m free.

[Image description: A distressed dog is tied to a tree next to a playground. What should have been a beautiful sunset is an ominous wash of blood red sky. There are a few tents in the background and refuse scattered in the foreground. It is impossible not to smell car exhaust and rotting garbage. The dog ignores the food bowl and soft blanket inside the nearby crate as he barks. The woman does not appear in the photo.]

Posted 7/12/25 at 7:17pm.

WARNING! This account has been suspended by order of the Department of Patriotic Compliance. This user has been arrested for unlawful travel, homosexual behavior, and possession of funds by an unmarried female. The data from this account has been downloaded and is currently under review. Anyone who aided in this user’s attempted departure from the United States of America will be subject to criminal investigation. We thank you for your cooperation in Making America Great Again!

[Image description: An American flag rippling in the breeze.]

Posted 7/13/25 at 10:35am.