Endymion - a goodbye letter

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Grant me the kiss of death and wait a moment longer, so that you may then see me eternally sleeping on the bed of stars you have prepared for me.

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   I have seen you so many times, in good moments and in the darkest times of your life. I have heard your cries millions of times and then witnessed your smile, which seemed like a summer rain soothing my soul. I read your stars and gathered them as if they were all for you...but you no longer wanted them and threw them into my sky darkened by so much disappointment, sadness, and the paranoia that settled in my past.

   I spotted you countless times trying to untangle my darkest threads, which often turned into a tangle, yet you were there... and by any means, with all your mortal strength, you somehow brought me light, only it lasted too briefly, and the darkness of the night covered me again. It was never easy for you to understand me, but you never gave up... You didn't give up on me, as I did so many times. And I wasted so many tears that turned into amber.

   You were my lighthouse, a constant presence that stood guard even when the storm's fury blinded me. You were an architect of a perfect world where no one else mattered but us...Now, when I say "us," it sounds so trivial, but in the past, "us" equaled the wealth of the universe, the sun's rays on a spring day when everything is reborn.

   I always prided my mind, capable of exploring every scenario, no matter how insignificant it seemed. Every detail was analyzed to the core. And yet, even though I knew what to expect, my mind often caused me unrest because deep down, everyone was bad, and people's interest could bring me to my end. But then you appeared, and everything gained a new meaning because your eyes and your smile brought me peace, the kind my brain needed. Step by step, minute by minute, second by second, I learned to unravel your mystery and cover you in the night's veil. I always sought meaning and found it so quickly in your tender teenage smile, and I never wanted to let it go. Yet not always does fate fulfill our wishes when we see shooting stars in the sky.

   I searched for your face in hundreds of women, covered my body with millions of blankets searching for your trace, wrapped my soul with thousands of meaningless, empty sheets, just to find you. And I didn't find you, molded by countless adverse experiences and some wrong decisions. You, perfectly imperfect, who survived in any situation, although I wished nothing bad ever happened to you. I wished you weren't surrounded by ungrateful fools who were just incapable of seeing how lucky they were to have you around. I tried to listen to your pain as you did mine, you who listened to my soul crying in the middle of the night, when maybe you were already steeped in darkness and didn't need to sink further into it. Seeing you suffer was as painful as a violent stabbing in the heart...and yet I plunged the knife deeper...and thought you would hate me..I tried to hate you but I couldn't... there isn't a part of who you are, who you were, and who you will be, that I wish to hate.

   I loved you and felt privileged to observe every gesture, every grimace, every tone, how you found light even in the darkest darkness. And yet I chose to hurt you and to leave...without giving you anything in return..You offered me everything and I offered you nothing. And I believe it hurt you more than ever. Despite all these moments, deep in my heart, I know there are no excuses for what I did to you. I left, leaving you to carry the weight of all these tears turned into amber, each piece reflecting not just beauty and hope, but also the profound pain I caused you.

   I left you to face the night, the darkness I feared so much, without realizing that, in fact, you were my light, my guide through that darkness. And now, standing in the shadow of my own conscience, I realize that I was the one who got lost in the darkness, not you.

   I am sorry for not being there when you needed me most, for letting you fight your demons alone while I turned my face away. Moreover, you fought my demons as if they were yours, and you shouldn't have had to do that. I left you lost so many times on the streets of the soul, in nameless cities...and yet you smiled back at me, like a teenager...a pure smile I will never forget.

   When you left, I thought everything was a game. And I couldn't afford to lose. My mind wouldn't let me lose...Everything or nothing...but I didn't realize that over time you had become my everything...while I became nothing to you because I pushed you away as I always did.

   I wish for you to be happy because I know no one more deserving of what is best than you. I can't even begin to list the reasons. You're simply incredible. Talented, for sure. Intelligent. Eloquent. Patient in a way I could never hope to be. And so much more. Inherently good-hearted, no matter what people say. Please, don't change. Not for them. They don't deserve you...but neither do I.

   Often you said you were chaos, and you were right but for me, your chaos was my peace and now...all of it hurts... so much.

   It hurts that now all I want is for you to be the one who eases my pain, who chases away my longing, who soothes my brain tired of so many unspoken thoughts.

   I try every day not to think of you, to expect no sign...but with every step I take, I imagine it alongside you. When bad memories resurface, I see you there every time - because when it got bad, secretly, I always imagined you with me. As long as you were there, I knew I could get through it. Every night as I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep, think, or breathe until your voice echoed over all the noise in my head. You were the only one for me then. You were my safe place. I used to think that imagining the most beautiful landscapes would make me feel at home, but ultimately, home is never more than wherever you are. Whether it's the ice mountains or the castle in the clouds, a lake or a peaceful waterfall...all of it matters little without you around. Even the real world seems better when you're here. And so, whatever I do, I do with you in mind. I could never forget you.

   But the last time, you asked me to let go of you, to leave you alone and never hear from me again. And I tried...believe me, I tried... but I couldn't. I've made it a habit to talk out loud to you, pretending you're here. Pretending you're the one urging me to do things I otherwise wouldn't. That you're sitting in the corner of the room, teasing me for feeling uncomfortable when I shouldn't. Pretending the fireworks I saw on New Year's were a gift from you. I'd dance in the rain without a care in the world, you'd be sitting next to me, rolling your eyes and trying to find us shelter. I try not to think about the fact that I'm actually doing all this alone. In my daydreams, you're like the wind. Gentle and fresh.

   Finally, I've realized that, despite your wish for me to stay away, my heart refuses to let you go. You're like a song that fills my soul with sounds and colors no other song can replicate. This is why, even when you asked me to stay away, not to hear from you again, every cell in me rejected that idea. You became part of me in such a profound way that giving up on you would mean giving up on a part of my own being.

   And yet...you asked me to do it...to let go of you... Now all I can do is offer you a final kiss, bittersweet like the angel of death...Now, faced with your request to offer the kiss of death, I stand lost between the desire to honor your last wish and the unbearable fear of living in a world without your presence. I wish to see you sleeping eternally on the bed of stars I have prepared for you, but I know this final gesture would mean accepting that I have lost everything that was beautiful and pure in my life.

   Now you would say ironically that I have been living without your presence for a good while, but I know you would let yourself be embraced by my arms as if we never left each other.

   I would like to leave you a final goodbye kiss. As if we were in a train station forgotten by time, and you, dressed in a blue flowered dress... would slowly head towards the train that was to separate us forever. That kiss would be the perfect mix of love, pain, hope, and regret, an echo of all the moments we shared and all the unrealized dreams. It would be a kiss where time stops, allowing us to live an eternity in a moment, to say goodbye without words, to promise to keep alive the memory of what we were.

   And as the train starts to move, I would slowly detach myself, watching you as you fade away, feeling a part of me leave with you. I would remain there, on the platform, until the last car disappeared into the distance, leaving me with an emptied soul and a heart torn by longing.

   I end here, telling you that my everything has become chaos, and peace has turned into a continuous battle with demons...I have nothing to leave behind but the hope that we will meet again in another life. I return to the sky, from where I will constantly see you grow, make mistakes, become stronger, and learn to love again. I will be there, in every sunrise and every sunset, watching over you, offering you light and guidance in the darkest moments. And even if you don't see me, feel my presence in the gentle breeze, in the warmth of the sun rays caressing your cheeks, and in the quiet of starry nights.

   In this wordless goodbye, I leave you a final testament of our love – a bittersweet kiss, a promise that, although I am no longer with you in a physical form, my love for you remains immortal. And maybe, when the time is right, when our souls find each other in another life, we will have the chance to rewrite our story, to correct the mistakes of the past, and to live the love we always deserved.

   Until then, live, love, make mistakes, and learn. Let every experience, every tear, and every smile make you stronger, bringing you closer to true happiness. I had the chance at happiness, I had the chance for you to be my happiness but I lost everything, weighing my heart and brain. I leave you submerged in the sleep of life, while I will visit you every night, watching over your every dream.

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A final kiss...a last tear... and a sunset!

Yours, Endymion!