Everything is changing

‘Do you know what this means? Everything is changing and you are going to have to grow up fast.’ Mom irately states.  ‘And this is just the beginning. You are only 21 , haven’t finished school, unmarried, and now pregnant with a biracial baby by that asshole! Seriously? Have you told your father?  What am I suppose to say to your grandparents! They will NEVER accept this. God I don’t even want to hear my dads response.’ She groaned as she threw her hands in the air in frustration.  

‘And an abortion is out of the question, correct?’ Dale, my step dad, asks impatiently.

‘Absolutely out of the question!’ Mom answers for me as she whips around to face me again.  

‘Right?’ She asks her bright blue eyes searching my face for an answer.

‘Right.  And no I haven’t talked to dad or Staci yet; they’re next.’  I quietly answered as I lowered my head to hide the fear and uncertainty that was brewing inside of me like a witches brew in a caldron. I have no clue how I’m going to handle this but I know I have to. I have to for this little baby inside me who didn’t ask for this. Who didn’t ask to be born to a mom who was barely old enough to take care of herself, who still hasn’t finished college, only makes $10/hr at the local grocery store, and who isn’t with the father of the baby. How will I protect this baby from all the racist opinions and stereotypes that it will face in the world? From the hate that will inevitably coming knocking on our door like an unwanted sales man.  If my parents think I should have an abortion, fuck them. If my grandparents can’t accept my half black child , fuck them.  It was my job to protect and raise this child to be better and more loving than all of them.  As far as  I’m concerned, everything is changing because I’m making sure of it for my baby.

3 months later….. 

‘Don’t forget, we aren’t saying anything to your grandpa, NOTHING.’  Mom instructs emphatically.  ‘I am not listening to his mouth the whole week we are here. It’s the holidays and I refuse.’ She finishes as she crosses her arms in front of her chest defensively.

‘So if you gotta throw up, do it quietly.’ Dale adds sarcastically as Mom glares at him.

‘This isn’t funny.’ Mom mumbles as she turns to face front , ‘he’s going to flip his shit. I am not interested in him finding out until we leave. Then he can handle it how he wants 14 hours away from us.’

‘I know mom.’ I responded as I gazed out the window and watched the rolling grassy hills of the Missouri landscape.  I have been dreading this visit for weeks now because everything is changing from this point on.  I know what the end result is; the loss of my grandparents.  But even worse, my grandparents disappointment in me.  That their ‘perfect’ granddaughter has gotten herself in this situation.  The very real reality that past this visit I won’t be allowed in any of my grandparents houses again.  I will be disowned. Disowned; Like it’s the 1960’s again and not 2003, I thought as I let my head rest backwards and my eyes drift shut to ward off the unrelenting nausea that persisted into my 4th month of pregnancy.

2 days later..

‘Good Mornin!’  Grandma Alice greets me as I’m brushing my teeth on our last morning there.

‘Good Morning!’ I garble with a mouth full of toothpaste.  Grandma Alice walks into the small bathroom leaning in as to tell me a secret.  Intrigue and confusion fill my face as I also lean toward her aged face and listen intently.

‘Your mother told me of your predicament.’ She whispers as her eyes motion to my still undetectable belly. Fear freezes my body mid brush and I make eye contact with her soft dark brown eyes.

‘And I won’t tell your grandpa till after you all have left, so don’t worry bout me.  but I won’t go against your grandpa; whether I agree or don’t agree isn’t the point.’  Grandma Alice states.

‘But I do have to give you the same warning my mother gave to me;’ she explains as her tone becomes serious again. I ,again, scoot closer as i prepare for whatever outrageous advice my grandma was about to give me.

‘These colored men have insatiable sexual appetites so u gotta be careful.’ She declares in a hushed tone as I simultaneously drop my toothbrush and jaw in utter shock.

‘WHAT THE HELL MAW!’ My mom yells from the other bathroom and quickly appearing in the bathroom door. 

‘Why would you say crazy crap like that Maw! Seriously? Colored? Eww. And how the hell would you even know that?’ Mom exclaims in disbelief as she grabs Grandma Alice’s arm and begins pulling her out of the bathroom.

‘Let her get ready so we can go to the other grandparents and stop repeating nonsense’ Mom scolded, ‘and you stop encouraging her!’ She directs to me as I double over in hysterical laughter.

‘Well my second husband was Mexican.’ Grandma reasoned as a humored smile lifts her wrinkled face and I erupt into more uncontrollable laughter.

‘Oh my God Maw!’ Mom groans loudly as she drags grandma out and closes to door behind them.

Later that day… 

‘I can’t do it. I Can’t!’ Grandma Wanda asserts as she storms away from the table, where we were sitting, to the sink to release her anger on the dishes. 

‘My daddy will roll over in his grave! A half black baby? Not In our bloodline. No sir.’ She continues furiously.

‘Grandma calm down please.’ I softly plead trying to not get emotional. She is the grandparent I’m closest to and have spent many summers growing up in this very kitchen with its farm blue wall paper and duck accents. My heart swells with the warm memories of spaghetti and meatballs, phase 10, pancakes and bacon breakfast. Tears begin to fill my eyes at the thought of her rejecting me and my baby. Her great grandchild.

‘Don’t you love me grandma? More than the hateful words that your parents taught you? Enough to just agree to disagree and see where love can take us?  Maybe, just maybe, love is all we need to bridge this topic.’  I state gently as I walk over to the kitchen sink and clasp her soft wrinkled hands.

‘You know I do honey.  I love you so much.’ Grandma responds as she sees the tears in my eyes and her anger crumbles away.

‘And you will always be allowed in our house. You and the baby so don’t think that you can’t come back to visit.’ Grandma admits as she pulls me into a warm embrace. 

‘Just feels like everything is changing and Im having a hard time with it.’ Grandma Wanda quietly admits in my ear as we embrace.

‘Enough of this conversation.’ Grandpa Peter demands as he storms into the kitchen.

‘Enough.’ He emphasizes.

I step back in surprise because I have never heard my grandpa raise his voice, let alone to my grandma. And as my eyes dart between my grandparents in disbelief my grandpa continues;

‘She is our granddaughter. That baby is our great grandchild regardless of its skin color. God loves us all so this conversation ends now.’ Grandpa finishes as he reaches over and squeezes my hand with a loving wink of his wise blue eye.

‘Well I guess we will just leave it at that.’ Grandma responds as she lifts her chin defiantly and turns to leave the kitchen.

‘She’ll be ok my dear.  We love you and will always accept you in our house.’ He gently reminds me as he squeezes my hand affectionately again. 

‘Now go get some rest before dinner.  We are having cashew chicken for dinner; real cashew chicken.’ Grandpa laughs referencing the inside joke that only Springfield Missouri has REAL cashew chicken.  He opens the door to go outside, pausing momentarily.

‘Everything is changing and it scares us old people; it’s not an excuse just the truth.  But Love is the answer, always remember that. Love will win.’ And with an affable smile he walks outside and leaves me in stunned silence.  The weight of this emotional trip and the exhausting morning sickness slam into me as I turn to go rest in my room.  I have so many things swirling in my head and it makes me wish that I could just have a normal pregnancy. One where I could just enjoy my first pregnancy without the added stress of the world’s opinion on my baby, I think to myself sadly as I collapse onto the mattress and drift to sleep knowing This would be the last time I saw at least one set of my grandparents.

4 months later.. 

‘There is no way you are in labor yet! You are only 36 weeks.’   Mom grumbles as she stomps around the kitchen getting the ingredients for her morning tea.

‘Mom her contractions are 2 minutes long and 2 minutes apart! According to the Lamaze class…’ Sloan, my baby sister, tries to remind mom.

‘There’s no way she’s in labor’ Mom reiterates.

‘Awwwwghhhhhhhhh!’ I groan loudly as another contraction slams into my stomach causing me to double over and my sister to restart the stop watch.

‘You got this sister, you got this! Almost over’ Sloan gently encourages as the contraction finishes.

‘And rest .’ She hands we a cool cloth as my shoulders relax momentarily.

‘I think I should go get a bath since I’m seeing the doctor at 8a regardless of whether I’m in labor or not.’ I wearily state as I begin slowly lifting my body upright. 

‘Good idea sister.’ She agrees as she glares at our mom’s back.

‘You’re doing great.’ Sloan reassures as she helps me up and to the bathroom.

‘Sit hear and I’ll run the water.’ She directs as she turns on water and fills up the bath tub with warm soapy water.  

‘I think they stopped!’ I exclaim happily to Sloan as I relax in the warm water.

‘Really? So maybe they were Braxton hicks?’ Sloan inquires .

‘I think so but help me to the toilet because I need to go bad.’ I ask as I quickly make it to the toilet before the bizarre urge to push causes me to have an accident on the floor. 

‘Are you done bathing?’ Mom asks as she casually walks past the bathroom door, which is ajar, and freezes mid step.

‘What are you doing?’ She asks as confusion plays across her face.

‘Using the restroom mom. The contractions slowed down like you said but I guess they stimulated me to have a bowel movement because I feel like I need to push really really bad.’ I groan as I push with all of my might.

‘FUCK!’ Mom yells as complete horror fills her face. ‘Call 911 Dale! NOW! She’s in fucking labor! Fuck! Fuck!’ 

‘What.’ I whisper in disbelief. 

‘But you said..’ Sloan begins as she stares at mom in shock.

‘I know what I said and I was wrong!’ Mom yells as panic begins to take her over.

‘Calm down! We can get her to hospital before that damn ambulance gets here. You two leave now and go to the hospital.’ Dale directs pointing to me and mom, ‘Sloan and I will get the baby bag and call everyone and be right behind y’all.’ 

‘Great plan! Let’s go!’ Mom agrees as she grabs my arm and begins to drag me - as I button my romper - to her vehicle. I barely have time to buckle my seatbelt as another urge to push hits and I struggle to breathe through the pain.

‘Breathe honey! Breathe.Good.’ Mom instructs gently.

‘Heeeheeehooo’ I breathe as my mom instructed. Just as I think I have it all under control, I feel hot liquid begin to run down my thighs and I freeze mid breathe.

‘You’re not breathing! Why aren’t you…’  Mom asks as her eye notice the liquid running down my legs and she to freezes.

‘Your water … oh fuck!’ Mom shrieks as her composure crumbles.  She pulls over and with shaking hands calls Dale.

‘Her water broke! Her water broke! Where are y’all? I pulled over and need one of you in the car with us now!’ Mom yells into the phone as tears stream down her cheeks.

‘Pull it together! Why are you pulled over? Drive faster, don’t pull over!’ Dale shouts through the phone.

‘Because I can’t catch a baby and drive!’ Mom snapped back.

‘Drive!’ Dale barked ask he hangs up the phone.

‘FUuUuUCK!’ Mom bellows as she peels out off the gravel shoulder driving faster than I ever saw her drive before.

‘Mom we should call the hospital.’ I quietly offer.

‘You’re right, good idea.’ Mom readily agrees as she hands me her phone.  

‘dial the hospital then hand me the phone’ she instructs, her voice quivering with panic.

‘Ok.’ I answer as I hand her the phone.

‘Hello ma’am! My daughter is a patient of Dr. Larry Parker’s and she’s in labor. We are headed to the hospital now.’ Mom tells the triage nurse with an amazingly steady voice.

‘Yes ma’am! Just bring her on in and we will admit her. She will have some paperwork to fill out then we will get her comfortable in a room.’ The nurse sweetly responds

‘You do not understand,’ Mom growls through clenched teeth; allowing her voice to drop several octaves and to let a small amount of her panic to dance around the edges of her tone.  ‘This baby is fucking here! She going to have it in the fucking car!’ She snarls viciously.

‘Yes ma’am! I understand! We will be outside waiting’  The nurse quickly responds.

‘Thank you.’ Mom finishes as she ends the call and pulls into the hospital parking lot. 

‘There they are!’ I shout as I point to two nurses standing next to a wheelchair.  Mom flies into the cover pavilion at an ungodly speed and slams on her brakes next to the nurses.  15 minutes later I held my beautiful baby girl, Trinity, in my arms.  She is 5lbs 11oz and 19in long and completely amazing.

2 yrs later…

‘Dad I don’t know.’ I explain to my father, Todd.  ‘And it’s so soon! She’s only 2!’ 

‘You know I would never let anyone say anything to my grand baby.  And you need the break! Between work and a baby, you don’t get any breaks. Let me give you a week off’ Dad convincingly pleads.

‘Yeah it does sound good,’ I reluctantly agree.  ‘And grandma did call and ask to meet her great grand baby.’

‘Trust me honey.’ Dad implores

‘Ok.’ I quietly agree as I swallow the fear rising in my throat. It’ll be ok, I tell myself as I hug my sleeping child, Trinity, closer to me.  Dad will take care of her, I know it. 

The next morning I wave bye to my dad, step mom and my baby girl as they start the 14 hour drive to Missouri to visit my Grandma Wanda and Grandpa Peter. I close my eyes tightly and say a prayer because everything is changing and I’d know whether it’s a good change or bad change in less than 24 hours.

‘Hey Honey!’ Dad quietly says through the phone.

‘Hey Dad, is everything ok? It’s late? Why didn’t you just text?’ I ask through a sleepy haze as I try and make out the time.

‘It’s 10:45, is everything ok? Is Trinity ok?’ I question as my hands and voice begin to shake. 

‘ Calm down, calm down. Everything is ok but we did have a situation happen. It’s handled now but I just wanted to let you know. Staci and Trinity had gone to Walmart to get Trinity a new outfit and as they were leaving Trinity tried to run across the parking lot toward the car. Staci grabbed her arm to stop her and it accidentally dislocated her elbow. I’m so sorry honey ! It was just an accident, please don’t be mad.’ Dad explains, his voice pleading for forgiveness.

‘It’s ok dad! I know how active she is. Is she ok now? ‘ I inquire as i begin to relax. 

‘Yes she’s asleep and we have an appointment at 730am with your grandma’s chiropractor. She called in a favor, so he’s coming in early to see Trinity.’ Dad readily explains.

‘Great. Then don’t beat yourself up daddy, she’s a kid and gets hurt; she’ll be fine. But thank you for taking such good care of her’ I affirm as I relax back into my bed.

‘Thank you honey for trusting me. I know how scary it was and it means the world to me that you did.  I’m texting you a picture and I hope it shows you, everything is changing because of how strong you were and are. Good night honey, I love you.’  Dad affectionately responds.

‘Love you to daddy.’ I quietly affirm as I end the phone call.  

A few minutes later my phone vibrates as it receives a text from dad.  I open the text and tears well up in my eyes as I look at a picture of my grandma Wanda sitting in her recliner, Trinity secured in her lap with Grandma’s favorite sitting blanket across her little body. Trinity’s little arm was gently wrapped in another soft blanket atop a heating pad.  Both are asleep and both are cuddled into each other so closely that you can’t see were ones starts and the other stops. Below the picture is the caption 

‘Everything is changing for the better because of love.’