Taboo

I can’t say it. I just can’t say it. I want to say it but I can’t. I can’t say anything that might be comic or funny or even something that somebody else might think is comic or funny. There is too much at stake. Too much to lose. This is our culture now. People are not allowed to make jokes or say anything that is funny.

It has been almost exactly 3 years since humour was banned.

After the Election in 2024 the new British Government wanted to make an immediate impact but they had no money to spend so their options were limited. Very limited. They thought about banning cigarettes or booze or even fatty foods but all of those bans would upset big business and that would never do. Any new Government wants to find a way of changing things but without doing anything unpopular such as raising taxes.

The new Prime Minister, a very serious man, without much of a sense of humour, decided the Government would ban humour. The Government had a large majority and so could pass any legislation it wanted. Although there was opposition to the new law there was nothing that anybody could do to stop it. Opposition MPs made speeches in Parliament arguing that it was a restriction of free speech. Members of the House of Lords tried to water down the ban by tabling amendments that would allow humour in certain very restricted circumstances such as the best man’s speech at a wedding when all the guests had signed a contract to say they would not be offended by any jokes. The Archbishop of Canterbury made a long speech arguing that humorous remarks should be allowed in sermons provided that nobody actually laughed but only smiled to show they understood the reference.

I actually campaigned against the ban. I didn’t usually protest about anything but I knew it would destroy my career. As a freelance comedy writer, I would be facing police arrest every time I published something that was considered humorous. How would I be able to make a living? So I campaigned on Facebook, TikTok and all the other social media. I wrote to my MP. With like-minded friends I organised a march and we had 20,000 people walking from Trafalgar Square to the Houses of Parliament to put our side of the story. Most people had home-made banners and there were some really funny comments on those. We tried to stop the legislation by ridiculing it but perhaps some things are beyond satire. Nothing worked. The law was passed and from that point on all humour was banned.

From now on any attempts at comedy were completely taboo. Comic literature such as PG Wodehouse was removed from all the public libraries and bookshops and burned in the streets to provide warming fires for homeless people. Sitcoms on TV were cancelled – with all the old episodes also removed from the streaming services -  and the empty slots were filled with additional episodes of soaps such as Coronation Street and Eastenders, which had to be consistently miserable without any amusing characters or funny storylines at all. Statues of old comedians such as Eric Morecambe or Ken Dodd were taken down. Current comedians faced big decisions. Peter Kay retired. Stephen Fry emigrated to Australia. Michael McIntyre re-trained as a vicar.

Some professions were not affected. Circuses were still allowed to employ clowns on the grounds that nobody had ever found them funny in the slightest. For the same reason it was still possible for Christmas crackers to include jokes. But I didn’t want to make a career out of writing terrible jokes to be included in Christmas crackers. None of my friends who were stand-up comedians wanted to become circus clowns. We were living in a new world.

At first the police had to focus so much on arresting people who had broken the new law that other crimes such as burglary, drugs offences and even murder were made less of a priority. The Government could not afford to give them extra resources so the police had difficult choices to make. But soon, as everyone got used to the new legislation, people stopped trying to be funny and there were very few cases that the police had to investigate.

My life changed so much. I stopped trying to make a career from writing comedy and got a job in a supermarket. It was hard. I had to repress my sense of humour because even making funny comments to my co-workers was very risky. At home I relaxed by watching my secret DVDs of Laurel and Hardy films but I couldn’t watch them with any of my friends. I kept quiet about what I was doing. I never mentioned it to anybody. It was my guilty pleasure. I often wondered whether other people were doing what I was doing but just keeping very quiet about it.

The humour ban was much more popular than people had expected. The Prime Minister was riding high in the opinion polls but unfortunately he did become a little over-confident and made a stupid mistake at Prime Minister’s Questions, the regular weekly event in the crowded chamber of the House of Commons. He taunted the Leader of the Opposition, “The current Leader of the Opposition,” he said, “is like a politicial weather vane, spelt v-a-i-n.”

His backbenchers laughed. They hadn’t laughed for 3 years so they just couldn’t help themselves. And it was only then that the Prime Minister realised what he had done. He looked round and tried desperately to stop everyone from laughing. But it was too late. Even though it wasn’t a very good joke they couldn’t stop themselves from laughing. Within minutes the Prime Minister had given himself up to the local police. At the court case he had no choice but to plead guilty. He was sentenced to six months in prison.

The Leader of the Opposition said that such a short jail sentence was a joke.