Awake Between

As I stepped out into the sunshine the day was so bright it hurt my eyes. I squinted to see where I was, who I was with, and what I was supposed to be doing. I could see other people around. Some were shielding their eyes. Some were squinting their eyes like me, trying to adjust to the newness. It was a new air, a shedding of the staleness. Refreshing.

I could count thirty people in this field of flowers where we stood. We were all facing the same direction, west. We all wore a variation of a hospital gown. A woman knelt on the ground and said, “It is the summer solstice. See the sunflowers and cosmos blooming all around us”. The abundant flowers burst with color. The ground felt moist as though it had just rained. The air smelled like it does after lightning, full of ozone. The green of the earth, the yellow and pink of the flowers, and the wispy white clouds in the blue sky overwhelmed my senses.

I felt my heart opening up. I could feel an emotional wave pass through me. It swelled then settled gently on the shore of my consciousness. Maybe it was a collective awareness of these other people sweeping through me. I felt confused but extremely content.

A man near me spoke, “There is a building over there.” In unison everyone looked in the direction of a large concrete building in the valley about 100 yards away. As if a whistle had started a game, all the people started walking quickly to the building. The woman who spoke first walked beside me, “My name is Faith.” she said. I smiled but said nothing because I could not remember my name. I did not know who I was.

As we walked she asked me, “Do you know what is happening?”

I answered, “No”

She said, “I am going ahead to be sure the door is open. I will see you later.” and she started running to the building.

“Wait!” I said.

“You will understand soon. I will be there waiting for you.” She said over her shoulder.

I saw her open the door and go into the building . One by one the people entered. When I reached the building I entered tentatively.

Inside there was a large, mostly empty space. Along the walls there were what looked like lockers, wooden doors with handles. On each door there was written a name. All the people were finding their names and opening the lockers. It was extremely quiet, no one spoke.

One locker had my name on it. I opened it. There I found a few items. There was a leather jacket that looked familiar, a set of keys, and a brim hat with a logo on it. There were other items that seemed vaguely familiar. Then I saw the photo. It was taken at a lake in the mountains. There was a beautiful woman and a small child. They were smiling. The little girl was holding a stuffed bear and sucking her thumb. I felt like I knew them but I could not be sure.

The smell inside the locker was fresh and inviting. I felt a slight urge to enter the small locker space.

I looked around the room. Others were looking in their lockers. Some were smiling. Some were holding the door with a look of shock. Some were backing away while gazing, mesmerized into the locker. Some were walking into the locker space with confidence.

I saw Faith in the room. I motioned for her to come to me, which she quickly did.

As she approached she took my hand. “Do you know what is happening now?”

I answered again, “No.” I asked her what was happening to the other people. “Why are they getting in the lockers?”

“They are ready to accept and embrace what’s on the other side of the locker door” She said with a motion of her hand towards my locker. “Are you ready?”

I looked at the picture in my hand. “Who are these people?” I asked Faith.

“They are part of your life, just as all the other items in the locker are.” She smiled gently and started to move away from me.

“Will you stay with me?” I asked.

“No” she said matter of factly. “This is your decision.”

With that she turned away from me. I looked back in the locker not understanding exactly what it meant but knowing it would be safe and fresh if I stepped in. It was very inviting. It seemed an easy way to go-to step into the next thing, whatever it might be.

I looked at the picture again. Of all the contents of the locker this image was the only thing that felt important. Staring at the photo, the woman’s image started to fade away-become a little blurry. At the same time, the little girl's face became clearer and seemed to be questioning. She appeared to be reaching out toward me through the photo.

The welcoming locker, which now was emitting a pale blue color and a slight breeze, seemed to be beckoning me. I could almost hear someone calling. I looked around and more people were entering the lockers. Only three others remained in the room.

I ran to an open locker to see what was in it, trying to see where the person went. Inside the locker was empty. I ran to another and another - all the same. Empty

I looked again at the picture in my hand. Without a moment more of hesitation, I ran back to my locker and holding onto the photo, I quickly shut the door.

Everything became dark again. The air smelled pungent, like medicine. There were mechanical clicking sounds behind me. I could feel my chest rise and fall in sequence to the beeps. I was alone but not alone. I heard a voice saying something like, “Get the doctor, the patient is waking up.”

With every bit of strength I could muster I was able to slightly open my eyes. Everything was blurry. I was not in pain but as seconds passed I could feel an irritation in my throat - my body instinctively trying to breathe.

I heard someone say, “Ready. Let’s take it out.” Suddenly, I was panting to get enough air. Then in just a few seconds my breathing stabilized. I looked around the well lit room. Before I could understand exactly where I was I saw a window to the hallway. Standing outside the room was the little girl from the picture. She was holding the same stuffed bear as in the photo. She was sucking her thumb but stopped suddenly when I looked at her. She smiled. And with that smile I knew exactly who she was.

She had been waiting for me.