The Premium Kind

           Leo’s cell phone thumped like the downpour of rain. He ignored it, but Elsa didn’t. “Aren’t you going to answer it?”

           “Nope.” He shoved the phone into his pocket. “It’s nobody important. Just Heather.”

           Her heavy eyelashes fluttered. “Who’s Heather?”

           Leo hedged a bit, wishing he had just lied. The last thing he wanted was to talk about Heather. “She’s the manager at my real estate office.” And, before he could stop himself, he blurted, “She hates me.” He thought back to a few weeks ago, when he told her about the malfunctioning vending machine. Her eyes, dripping with mascara and sloppy eyeshadow, swept over his bulging stomach. He knew what she was thinking. She confirmed it. “Maybe you should consider a diet, Leo. And a new wardrobe. It’s no wonder you have no clients looking like that.”

           Elsa touched his hand; her diamond rings flashed despite the dim light. “Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?” She lowered her voice. “I was a counselor before I retired.”

           He winced. “I don’t have a good track record with counselors. Frankly, they scare me.”

           “Okay, then. I wasn’t a counselor. I was a consultant. Does that help?”

           “You mean like a beauty consultant?”

           She giggled. “Sure, if that makes you feel better.”  

           Leo picked up the check. “You’re a nice lady. Thanks for meeting me.”

           Elsa wiped her mouth on her napkin and said, “Perhaps we could meet again, Leo. Maybe lunch next time?”

            “I’d like that. Tomorrow my nephew Michael is coming for a visit, and I’ve got to get to the hardware store.” Running a thick hand through his silver hair, he said, “One of my most valued possessions is missing, and it’s imperative I replace it immediately. I’ll call you, though.”

           “Valued possession?” Elsa grinned. “Are you missing a screw?”

           Leo’s gray eyes darkened. “It’s worse than that.”

The next morning, Leo entered the hardware store, pulled out his list and wandered through each aisle. A young clerk stopped sweeping to watch him. Leo abruptly stopped and scratched his head while looking up and down, back and forth, a look of consternation on his lined face.

With a sigh, the young clerk named Forrest adjusted his nametag and set his broom aside. “Can I help you find something, sir?”

Leo turned around. “Did you say something, young man?”

 “I said, do you need help with anything?”

“Actually, yes.” Leo threw his hands up. “What the heck happened here?”

“What do you mean?”

“Is everyone on a break?”

 “I’m not on a break, so is there something I can help you with?”

           “I know that, young man. I was being sarcastic. And if I needed your help, don’t you think I’d ask?” 

           He shrugged. “Okay, have a nice day.”

           “Hold on.” Glancing at the man’s tag, he said, “Your name’s Forrest? You mean, like a bunch of trees? Is that your real name, or did you make it up to be cool. I know that’s something young people do.”

           “Nope. It’s real.”

           Leo winced. “Damn, I think I’ve got a hangover. You sell drugs here?”

           “If you mean aspirin, then yes. They’re up by the cash registers,” Forrest said.

           Leo staggered and rubbed his temples.

           “Sir, is there someone I can call for you? Maybe a son or daughter?”

           “Are you asking because I’m a senior citizen, and thus, considered by society as hapless as well as helpless? Or, are you asking because you have time to kill before your next smoke break?”

           Forrest cocked his head. “How did you know I smoke?”

           “So, you think I’m hapless? An unfortunate old coot, that’s what you think I am?”

           “I didn’t say that. Look,” Forrest peered over Leo’s shoulder. “Maybe I should get someone else to help you.”

           “No, you’ll do. You look competent enough.” He pulled out a slip of paper. “Here’s my list but let me explain it first. You see, I’m here because of my cleaning lady, Angela. I had to fire her. She was coming on to me, and I found it very disconcerting. By the way, that means unsettling. Anyway, I need everything on my list, starting with item one.”

           Forrest peered at the paper. “You only have one item listed.” He frowned. “A toilet bowl brush. Is that all you need?”

           “That’s the only thing I need because it’s the most valuable!” Leo stuffed the list in his pocket. “A clean bathroom is imperative for a clean mind. Anyway, I’m pretty sure Angela stole mine because it was the premium kind. Until I find another, I’ve resorted to using an old hairbrush.”

“Whatever we have is two aisles over,” Forrest said. “Now, I’ve got to take my break.”

“Wait!” Leo’s voice rose. “I didn’t answer your question. I could smell it, you know. The smoke on your clothes. That’s how I knew you smoked!”

Leo ambled to the next aisle. Where is a clerk when you need one?

“Can anyone help me?” He stared at the boxes of nails, fasteners and hinges but didn’t see any brushes. “Forrest, where are you? I can’t find the toilet bowl brushes.” Then his eyes lit up. “Never mind.”

After Leo purchased his brush, he stopped by his office to find his assistant, Sophie, perched on his chair.

“Hi, Sophie. Sorry I’m so late today. I had to run an errand.” He set the brush on his desk and shooed her to move.

Sophie’s green eyes narrowed. “What’s that?”

“Oh, it’s my new toilet bowl brush. Right now, I’m forced to use an old hairbrush, which isn’t very thorough. Anyway, this one is very valuable because of the silicone bristles. Never, ever, ever settle for anything less, especially those hideous plastic ones.”

Sighing, Sophie said, “I just wanted to say thanks again for having dinner with my grandmother. She enjoyed it.”

“My pleasure. I can’t wait to see her again.”

Sophie frowned. “What do you mean?”

Leo sat down and tried to remember if Elsa said anything about keeping their next date a secret. He decided not.

“We’re having lunch next week. Her idea, but I’m receptive.”

“I’m fine with that, Leo, as long as you treat her right. Otherwise …” Sophie clenched her fist. “You’ll have to deal with me.”

Leo shuddered in mock fear. “I’m scared. But, don’t worry. I’ll be good.” As Sophie went over the daily schedule, he rummaged through his desk.

“Could you please pay attention?”

“Now, Sophie, don’t get your panties in a bundle. After all, you work for me.”

“No, actually Leo, I work for the company. It’s just that you’re the one who needs the most help, and that’s why I’m always reprimanding you.”

He didn’t answer. Instead, he dug deeper through his drawer. “Ever show you my trophy? It wasn’t easy getting it, but it was worth the work.” He pulled it from the drawer. “Salesman of the Year. Quite an honor, isn’t it?”

“What are you talking about, Leo? You didn’t win it. You found it in the dumpster behind the office.”

“That’s your problem, Sophie.” He shook his head. “You never let me finish. I was going to say, it wasn’t easy getting it because I had to climb on top of Heather’s car to reach it. Lucky for me, it was a small dumpster.”

“Why in the world would you even be looking inside a dumpster?” She sat down. “Forget it. I have to talk to you about something that’s important.”

He polished the trophy with one gnarled finger. I guess so, but I’m expecting some calls about now, so make it quick.”

“I think you need to be nicer to Heather, so here’s what I propose you do …”

Leo held up his hand. “Not now. I’m leaving early for my nephew Michael’s visit. By the way, did I tell you I fired my cleaning lady?”

Sophie rolled her eyes. “Imagine that.”

 “Yep. For theft. She stole my toilet bowl brush because it was the premium kind with silicone bristles. I’m sure hers were nylon, or even worse, plastic. But no worries, I bought another one.”

Sophie pencil-thin eyebrows snapped together. “You’re a moron.”

Leo ignored her. “Think I’ll go home and take a quick nap before Michael arrives. All this preparation has taken its toll.”   

When Leo got home, he flopped onto the sofa. His eyes had barely closed when they popped open. “Damn neighbors. Who the heck is making all that pounding noise?” The sound grew louder. “I’m going to give that neighbor a piece of my mind.” He hobbled into the hallway and stopped at the front door. “No solicitors allowed! Idiot. Can’t you read the sign?”

“It’s me, Uncle Leo!”

He peered out the peek hole. “No, I’m Uncle Leo! Quit trying to confuse me because I’m not falling for it.”

“No, it’s Michael, your nephew!”

Leo yanked the door open. “I thought you weren’t arriving until later.”

“Well, I took an earlier flight. I didn’t think you’d mind. Mom said you’d probably like the company.”

Leo studied the young man. “No offense, but I prefer company of the female kind.” He watched Michael set his suitcases down. “How long you planning on staying? I’m a busy real estate agent, so I don’t have time to entertain you.”  

“Just for the weekend.”

Leo blinked at his luggage. “Then why did you bring everything you own with you?”

“What can I say?” Michael ran one hand through his thick, wavy hair. “I like clothes.”

“That, my good man, I understand.” Leo gestured for him to follow him into the kitchen. “What kind of work you doing now? Last I heard you were a donut maker.”

           “That was in high school, Uncle Leo. I’m between jobs right now.”

           “Ah ha!” Leo paused before reaching for a bag of coffee. “I knew it. Your mother heard about my successful real estate career and wants me to find you a job. Am I right?”

           “That’s not it.” Michael scratched his head. “But maybe I should consider real estate, like you. I mean, you make a lot of money, right?”

           “Well, Chip, I am successful, that’s for sure.” Leo’s mind raced at the possibility of forming a sales team with Michael, and maybe Sophie, if he could ever convince her to get her real estate license.”

           “Chip? Why’d you call me that?”

           Leo dumped ground coffee into a filter and shoved it into the coffeemaker. “Don’t you go by Chip anymore?”

           “I think you’re confusing me with someone else.”

           “Nope. My mind is like a steel trap.” He tapped his temple. “You don’t remember the nickname Chip?” He sighed. “Well, it makes sense. After all, no one has probably called you Chip since you were a boy.”

           “What are you talking about?”

           Leo brushed off crumbs from the table. “I don’t blame you for forgetting, considering how it came about.” He motioned for Michael to sit. “Coffee will be ready in a few minutes.”

           Michael sat and watched as Leo retrieved two cups from the cabinet. “So, what about the nickname, Chip?”

           “Maybe I should keep my mouth shut. I don’t want to start any trouble.”

           Michael’s thick dark eyebrows creased. “Tell me.”

           Leo sighed. “Tell you what, Chipper. Pour us some coffee—I’ve got cream in the fridge and cookies—I’ll be back in a minute.”

           When Leo returned, Michael had their drinks ready. “So, tell me about his nickname?”

           Leo blew the steam from his cup. “I shouldn’t have said anything. Maybe your mom doesn’t want you knowing about her other life.”

           Michael pulled his legs in and sat up straight. “I don’t understand. What other life?”

           “I guess you’re old enough to know.” Leo took a deep breath. “Your mom was a professional poker player. In fact, she was in Vegas playing when she went into labor. I was at the casino with her, but instead of hanging out at the poker table, I hung out at the buffet table.” Leo paused and motion with his cup. “Could you get me more cream?”

           He jumped. “My mom doesn’t play poker.”

           “Maybe not now, but when she was younger, she was quite the player. That’s the reason your father left. He couldn’t handle her gambling. Anyway, as I was saying, your mom was playing poker when she went into labor. By the time I got back from the buffet, she was lying on top of a pile of chips with you in her arms.” Leo waited while Michael poured the cream. “Hence, she called you Chip, in honor of her beloved poker chips.”

           Michael laughed. “That’s funny, Uncle Leo. You almost had me there. My quiet and reserved mother, a librarian for over forty years, a professional poker player. That’s hilarious.”

           “It would be, if she hadn’t lost her shirt. Because your father left and your mother lost everything gambling, you spent the first two years of your life living with your grandmother, who, God rest her soul, was a female version of Atilla the Hun.”

           “I’ll have to ask my mom about this,” Michael said. “Nothing personal, but I’m not sure I believe you.”

“The truth is often difficult to hear,” Leo said. “But, it’s in the past now, so forget about it.”

           Michael took his cup to the sink. “Do you mind if I take a shower?”

           Leo wiped a bead of sweat from his forehead. “You can put your luggage in the guestroom. It’s down the hallway to the right, next to the bathroom.”

           “By the way, do you have a brush I could use? I forgot to pack one.”

           “Whatever I have is in the bathroom. Help yourself.”

           As Leo cleaned up the kitchen, the doorbell rang. Sighing, he opened the door to find a woman holding a bag and caddy of cleaning supplies.

           “Yes?”

           “Leo? Sophie sent me. She said you could use a new cleaning lady.” She smiled. “I’m Margaret.”

           “Margaret? Come on in.” Leo squinted. “Oh, no. I have a sister named Margaret.”

           “Is that a problem?”

           “No, it’s just that….” Leo shrugged. “I got my two sisters mixed up. Unfortunately, I told my nephew Michael a story that doesn’t pertain to him. It pertains to my other sister’s son. Well, no harm done, I guess. By the way, can you start now? My nephew is visiting, so I’d like things spruced up a bit.”

 Margaret glanced around. “Except for your nephew, do you live alone?”

To his amazement, he felt a flush creeping over his face. “Unfortunately, yes. I’m just an old, successful, but very eligible bachelor. People tell me I look like that celebrity, Sean Connery, so I’m surprised I’m available.”

Margaret’s bright red lips curved into a smile. “Me, too. Where would you like me to start?”

Both Leo and Margaret looked up as Michael came into view. His hair was slicked back, and Leo could detect a scent of aftershave. “This is my nephew, Michael.”

“Hi,” Michael said. “Uncle Leo, I decided to go out early. My friend, Nick said he’d be in town tonight, so we’re going to meet.” He grabbed his jacket from the coat closet. “Oh, by the way, I used your hairbrush. And I even cleaned it afterwards.”

Michael waved and left.

“Sorry for the interruption, Margaret. By the way, could you start with the bathroom? I bought a new toilet bowl brush today—the premium type with silicon brushes. Just be sure to leave it here.”  

A short time later, Margaret returned. “I couldn’t find the toilet bowl brush you mentioned. All I could find is a large blue hairbrush sitting on the tank.”

Scratching his chin, he said, “I must have left it in the car.” The color drained from his face. “Did you say a blue hairbrush? Dang, that’s the one I’ve been using to clean. Oh, oh. Michael …” He groaned. “Toss the hairbrush in the trash while I get the toilet bowl brush. It’s the premium type, so be careful with it.”