Farewell to my best friend

She had a horrible feeling in her stomach when she saw that he was at her door. She knew it was going to happen now, she had been waiting for it, but she wasn’t ready yet. Her hand shook when she turned the knob and swung the door wide open. It was a beautiful, sunny, warm day. Such a shame to have to spend it this way.

They stood facing each other, one on either side of the door frame. For a moment, neither said a word. There were no words left to say. Tears swam in both of their eyes. He wanted to reach out, to grab her and hold her, but he didn’t. She wanted to talk to him, to tease and joke and laugh, but she couldn’t. Instead, she stepped aside and invited him in, but he stayed put. Knowing there was no point in dragging this out any further, she bent to pick up the box on the floor beside her and held it out to him. He stared into it before he took it, careful not to touch her when he did. Inside the box were things he had left at her house; a book he had lent her, a toothbrush, a T-shirt.

“Yours is there” he nodded at a smaller box sitting on the table on her porch. She didn’t care what was inside of it. His voice was flat and cold, empty of the affection that used to coat his words when he spoke to her. She stared straight ahead and tried not to break. After all, she had been the one to tell him it was over. She had known what needed to be said. She had wanted it to end and she didn’t hesitate, but she cried when it was done. While he hadn’t always been near, a phone call was all the had stood between them for years. Now, she wouldn’t see him anymore. She would no longer hear his voice.

She opened her mouth to speak but he cut her off before she could. “Don’t” was all he said. The bitterness in his voice cut through her like knives. She searched his face for a sign of tenderness but all she could see was anger mixed with sadness. She wanted so badly to wrap her arms around him, to hug him close and breathe him in one last time. She thought better of it, though, and offered a small smile through her tears instead. His own red eyes filled up again when she did.

It broke her heart all over again to see him this way. She wanted to comfort him, but there was no way. She knew what he wanted her to say; that it was a mistake, that they belong together, that she’s sorry and let’s try again. Knowing that she kept quiet because she couldn’t say those things and mean them. It tore her apart to admit it, but they weren’t meant to be.

After this past year that had been so hard on them both, shouldn’t the end offer some respite?  They had both tried, and tried hard, to find some semblance of what they used to have. They loved each other, but they were more than lovers; they had been partners. They had been on adventures together, confided in each other, aspired for a future they could share. They pushed each other to be the best versions of themselves. They supported each other, listened to each other. He was quick with a joke and had a way of making even the most mundane activity seem fun somehow. She called him the best friend she ever had and meant it. Nonetheless, the romance was gone, buried beneath a stack of nasty words, hurt feelings, and insecurity. He had argued that it was only a rough patch, a speed bump. He said that couples go through this. “We just have to work at it,” he had told her, “I want to do the work with you.” She lied to herself for a long time, choosing to believe what he told her was true. In the end, she couldn’t keep it up. She was tired of working. It shouldn’t be this hard, shouldn’t be work all the time. For the better part of a year, she felt like she was riding a roller coaster that was going off the tracks and she wanted her feet back on the ground.

Now he stood there, offering her whatever she wanted if she would only stay. If only it were that simple. If only people didn’t change. If only love was something one could turn off and on. If only.

She reached out tentatively with one hand. He didn’t flinch this time, but instead, let her wrap her fingers around the arm that clung to the box of his things the way it had once clung to her. His skin felt warm and familiar against hers. They looked at each other for a few long moments, saying everything else that was left unsaid with only a look. She gave his arm a little squeeze, he gave her a little nod, and then he turned and walked away from her house.

Before he was even out of her line of sight his absence was felt. For half a second, she was tempted to call out, tell him to wait, or to chase after him, but her feet stayed planted on the ground and she didn’t make a sound.

While watching him go, a myriad of emotions broke over her like tidal waves. First, deep sadness, followed by unsettling panic. Relief came next, followed closely by guilt for being relieved. Then a deep sigh escaped through her lips, and a sense of calm washed over her, and she finally knew without a shadow of a doubt that despite how difficult it was, she had made the right choice.

She briefly wondered if things would have worked out differently if they had met now instead of back then, before quickly pushing the thought out of her mind. It did no good to wonder ‘what if.’ She was a different person than she was three years ago, and so was he. Not better or worse, just different from having known each other. She was glad to have known him, thankful that they got to share at least a small part of their lives. With each step he took away from her house, the stabbing pain in her chest faded into a dull ache. She bent to pick up the box he had left and when she straightened again, she stood a little taller. Finally, when his back disappeared around the corner at the end of her street, she turned and went back into the house.