I am Going to Ruin my Life

I am Going to Ruin my Life

By Sam John

I’m going for a run! I told myself I’d do it and now, here I am. Post pandemic, still living with mum and dad but fixing my life. Giving myself lists, tasks, objectives. I can’t face going back to London just yet. I don’t want to hang out. I want to stay in this bubble.  

I’m listening to Derren Brown’s book: Happy. It’s really changing my life. He talks about the stoics and all these ancient Greek/modern day philosophers. What’s most important, I believe, with Stoicism is knowing how you can’t affect anything outside of your control. The only things you can control are your thoughts and actions. For example, I cannot control what the casting director and/or director will think of my performance. All I can do is enjoy the very act of acting. That’s good. Yeah! That’s great. It’s out of my control. And I keep saying this to myself.

This is now, this now is better, better is good. Don’t look back! I’m wheezing, neck tilting, concaving, trying to open up my valves, getting as much air in as possible. I start up this hill and I'm feeling really good. A farmer has carved a new pathway through the dense grass and I decide to take it. I make sure to avoid the stingers and I know that the terrain is pretty unstable so I watch where I step, occasionally looking up to see the great distances between me and the edge of the ridge. I reach the top of the hill and I look over the town. And it looks so small. It's just this baby, planted there on the side of a valley and I've called it home for my entire life – minus four years – but that town, that small little town has been the ecosystem in which I've learnt my language for life. And then I trip over and plant myself – quite gracefully might I add – on the floor.

I stay very still. The trees are mottling the distant blue and the wind picks up and throws a cloud formation swirling across the horizon to reveal a plane glinting through empty space. There's this deep pang of remorse or regret or hollowness that fills my bowels whenever I look up at a plane. As if there’s something I’ve missed or am missing or haven’t got to yet.

***

I’m going to an audition.

It’s a really important audition. I’ve put the work in for this one. I’ve placed my name in the right ears, I’ve done the ground work with the script (actions, wants, problems) and I’ve listened to Derren Brown incessantly to escape the deep gaping hole that is my VOID. But that’s all under control now because I've been listening to Derren Brown’s book: HAPPY. He also talks about how the past is just a story we tell our selves. As is the future in many ways. And the more we repeat the story of our pasts the more likely we are to tell ourselves that’s who we are. ‘Oh, I’m bad at painting because my teacher said I was’ etc etc. So, if I keep telling myself that I'm shit at drama because of one bad audition, the more likely I'll be bad at other auditions. But if I break that repetition – by listening to Derren Brown’s book: HAPPY – I can become more confident. I can realise my actual ability as an actor. That’s truly amazing. That’s changing my life. I’m going to listen to him before every audition, I think. Not only that, but he records the audiobook himself. So it will be his soothing voice coaxing me into utter relaxation as well as confidence before every audition.

I’m listening to this audiobook by DERREN BROWN called HAPPY and I’m in a good mental place and all the people on the train are plasticine, all ebbing moved around like a stop motion film. It reminds me of when I was a kid. I’d gone back to my friends place after school because he’s got a stop motion Lego set. It’s my idea of heaven. We’re taking pictures and then changing the Lego’s shape until we’ve made some stop motion animation. But I can’t exactly concentrate because I've wet my pants and so I’m sitting with my new best friends, pants covered in wet piss, just thinking about how moist and probably smelly I am.

There’s a man playing music from his phone on the train. I don’t personally mind but I can tell it’s annoying everyone else. But to be honest with you it kind of blends in with the SCRRRRREEEEEETCH of the train. I need to fill out my tax. Also the shower’s leaking so we’ll need get the landlord to get a plumber round to take a look at it.

I’ve changed a couple of times now, from the overground (national rail) to the DLR and then the underground. I’m currently on the underground – hence all the rattling. I live in Southeast London. The Audition is in North west London – so I might as well be living back in the Cotswold's to get to this Audition. I slept with that girl last night and she kissed me this morning on the overground. Literally Infront of everyone. I think she thinks we’re a thing. It might be a thing. I texted her playfully saying “Do I like this girl?” and she replied saying “Do you?” which threw me right off because she thought I was being serious. So maybe it’s more of a thing than I thought it was. She kissed me right on the mouth then got off. I was pretty tired. I don’t sleep well with people in my bed. She chose my outfit for the audition. I look good. Some days I look good for an audition and some days you have to face the reality that you will never look good. Ugly maybe? Yes. Ugly. It's mainly to do with the hair.

I come out of the underground and the smell is rotten. It’s summer. It’s ridiculously hot. I never get effected by the changing weather. My father does and I've found it odd that I don’t. Where’s my coat? There’s a little yapping dog that rushes down the tube steps and the owner doesn’t know where the hell it’s got to. Well, I show him where the hell it’s got to and I smile at him but he doesn’t smile back. It's as if I’ve done him a disservice by showing him where his little yapping cunt of a dog has run off to.

I’m feeling good. I feel cool. I’ve still got way too much time; about forty minutes before the audition because how in the hell was I supposed to know when I'd get to the other end of London? I know this place fairly well, I lived near here for about a month or two, so I know a nice café but of course it’s packed so I order a coffee to go and in the time it takes them to make it I head to their toilet. Sometimes when I'm nervous I shit really quite a lot. Well this time didn’t fail to disappoint and so, off I shat. Whenever you go independent, be it a coffee shop or a nice family restaurant, you can’t help but be bamboozled at how poor their toilet locks are. Well this one was also shit. All that was there was a little hook that looked like it would fall off at any moment. And so, mid poo – obviously smelly and rank and all over the place – the door handle shook and opened ajar, just enough room for someone to notice it was locked and notice a pungent smell and for them to exclaim:

“OH!?”

My £4 coffee – a Flat White with oat milk to go please – was ready and it was slightly cold but that’s fine because that’s out of my control, isn’t it? The only thing in my control are my thoughts and my actions. But then surely I can be in control of getting really really fucking pissed off no? No. No, you can’t. That would be a reaction to something out of my control wouldn’t it?

Sure... no genuinely, sure!

But then how would I have any emotion at all? Because everything is a reaction from something exterior? Well it just depends on how you interpret that exterior provocation. Right? Okay. Good! I'm really starting to look forward to this audition now. I have a really good feeling about it. I try to remember what my objectives were but I can’t actually remember. Never mind. It’s my mind I have to work on. My mind is what’s important. Because I can’t let them – the people in the room – get to me. They don’t deserve it.

After walking very slowly to the destination and then finding the place and then walking around some more to kill time, I finally knock on the sacred temple doors. Derren Brown was flowing heavily through my head and I'd almost forgotten why on earth I was there. That’s a good thing, surely.

The buzzer spoke to me.

“Hello?”

“Hello. I’m... Sorry I'm here for the Merchants Odyssey?”

“What time was you’re audition?”

“2pm.”

“Okay, I’ll buzz you in.”

And so, the door was unlocked with a great BZZZZZ and I proudly stepped inside the temples air-conditioned interior. There was no one to greet me, only a proud room with framed posters highlighting the advancement of this particular Oracle’s achievements. To my left was a stair way leading up to the higher echelons of their domain. There was a sign next to the stairs that read in Ariel Black lettering:

MERCHANTS ODYSSEY.

TWO FLOORS UP.

↖

AUDITIONS IN PROGRESS.

PLEASE KEEP QUIET.

And so I ascended, lifted upwards like the greats of old towards their legendary fate. The words of the great illusionist Derren Brown echoing through the cathedral like chambers of my empty being,

“Everything is FINE.”

And all the way my body feels itself releasing from normality and entering a state of...

Jesus fucking Christ I'm sweating buckets. I look at myself in the toilet and take a look in the mirror and see great patches of sweat forming in a penis like shape on the front of my grey tee shirt. What the hell was I thinking wearing a grey tee-shirt? My tummy is rumbling. And I seem to have some kind of convulsive shakes in my torso area. I look at myself in the mirror and shake it all out. I do a role down and I let myself hang for a moment before rolling back up and then shaking out some more. I look a bit flushed, but that’s okay. I smile at myself in the mirror. My mouth is twitching. I won’t let them get to me. My legs also feel hot.

I unlock the toilet door and return to sitting in the waiting area. This drained feeling seems to have spread up my legs and into my belly and now it’s creeping down my arms and into my cunting head. I think of the words from the great mentalist Derren Brown:

“Everything is FINE.”

I keep telling myself this. I do it because I know I can smash this audition. I sit there having a little smile to myself. My smile is twitching. There’s another boy sitting across from me. He looks fucking petrified. I smile to him. ‘Glad I'm not him!’ The boy gets called in first, which is odd because I came exactly five minutes before the audition? I always come five minutes before the audition. And now its fifteen minutes after I came five minutes before the audition? Which is odd isn't it? Because he’s going in first? Anyway, I'm unphased by this and wait my turn.

Fifteen minutes later he comes out and they’re all laughs and he’s playing it cool and the casting director and the boy actually hug! Like, embrace one another! She tells him how wonderfully he acted and then he gets his stuff, smiles generously at me, and fucks off. The casting director by this time has gone back inside the room raising her eyebrows in pleasant surprise to another person in the room, as if to say, ‘shall we just end it there?’ and then she gently closes the door behind her. I wait another five minutes and I'm truly sweating now. As in, I need another top, perspiration. It's boiling hot in here. Why can’t they just open a window. Let some of that breeze in? But I remember what the magician... Wait, the Magician!? No, Derren Brown is an Illusionist.

Yes. I remember what the illusionist Derren Brown says in his renowned book: HAPPY!:

“Everything is FINE.”

I’m right. This worry is just a story I tell myself. It’s nonexistent. It’s just a fiction I tell myself that I...

“Do you want to come in?”

“Absolutely! Great to see you!”

“You too.”

She’s smiling at me and I've met her before. She’s lovely, truly lovely, not a bad thing to say about her. I love casting Directors. Those oracles that stand between the Gods and...

“Hey mate. Thanks for coming in. So, what you been up to at the moment?”

Who the fuck is that? Oh, fuck, is that the director? WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?

“Everything is FINE.”

“I really enjoyed the script yeah.”

“Oh great.”

“But yes... Sorry. Yes, I’m really good. Just been working at this gym. They do such early hours! Which in a way is a good thing because at least I’m used to waking up early! For being on set I mean. Which I’ve also been doing a bit of.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeahp.”

“What have you been doing?”

“I did this...”

Wait... What did I do? What did I fucking do!? What was it called!

“Everything is FINE.”

“Oh this thing with. Oh it was this period piece. It was fun. But yeah.”

“Okay great. So shall we just give it a read?”

“Absolutely.”

We start reading and I have no idea what the hell is going on. But I'm saying lines. Lines are coming out of my mouth and I'm trying to listen. That’s good that I'm trying to listen. No... Actually... We’re doing a second take. Good, good! I have time to change stuff up, relax a little. Okay yeah... I’m properly listening now. Good. Listen, react. That’s all I need to do. Keep it simple you stupid stupid fucking... Keep it simple...

“Everything is FINE.”

I need to listen more. Listen... Listen... LISTEN. What the hell is happening outside!?

“Everything is FINE.”

Is that a drill?

“Everything is FINE.”

No, it’s a cunting drill.

“Everything is FINE.”

Why won’t they close the windows!?

"FINE.”

They might as well have a marching band outside!

"FINE.”

They need to let a breeze in though... I don’t give a flying fuck about a breeze! There’s a drill sounding outside! MY MOUTH IS TWITCHING.

"FINE!”

“That was great. That was good acting. Thanks for coming mate.”

“Oh! Thank you guys. Have a great day. Oops… sorry... just... get... my... script... OK! Thanks guys! Cya soon!”

I don’t get the job.

I begin to lose the point in it all. And then covid hits.

***

I’m lying on the floor. I can feel my ankle swelling. I’m looking up at it all and I'm not really thinking. It’s more like I’m just absorbing the way this whole thing works. The air is cooler and cleaner. It’s consistent with the tail ends of nature and it holds itself up with pride. There’s another plane in the air and it catches this flow. I can almost hear it behind the bleating of sheep and the rustling of leaves. There is nothing but sound for me. And the image I have before me is whole and clear and it seems like it’s happening now and not later or before and it flicks on and off and plants itself randomly within the empty chambers of my mind. And it’s a selfish thought. That this pandemic has been the best experience of my life. It was my way to conquer my demons. To step back and see the whole. The sounds are not so intrusive anymore. It doesn’t feel like it’s there to intimidate me. A cloud formation plumes into a mushroom and it expands beyond the horizon. The plane gently nestles itself into it. and there is a bright flash of heat as the sun comes out, enveloping my past and my future. There is nothing but a cool stutter and a short whisp and this is all there can be and all there will be. Anything beyond that is just a mere drudge, a mere shlep or drag. If I catch the wind just right, if I catch that flow tight enough it may, just may, pull me to my destination, land me safely and wish me well on my travels.

The End