"Are you there, God? It's me.."

"Are you there, God? It's me.."

I was so nervous to even start a conversation, or a prayer if you will. It's been a while since I've last sat and talked with the big man up there. clearing my throat, for some reason I felt so nervous, though I've had many talks with God, but this talk was different.

like..the prodigal child returning home but with a burden to get off my chest.

"It's me..riley, and..it's been a while since ..you know..we last talked..or since I last talked to you...considering everything that's been happening and going on lately, I just..you know.I'm sorry.."

sort of feeling foolish but I kept going because I know deep down He is listening. It's just. I feel unworthy of having a conversation with the Big man, Last time I cussed him out. Literally.

But,

Angrily, I let out a heavy sigh, and soon the words just came rolling down from my mind and out from my mouth,

"Ok God, Why? why didn't you take me instead? I literally was on my knees begging you. I wouldn't have mind being sacrificed. I mean you took someone that had so much going for her life. newly married, a mom of a three year old and yet..you let me live? I just don't get it.." I felt that burning sensation deep in my chest, that feeling I get when I start to feel emotional which I hated.

Sitting there in my room, with the candles lit, i looked at the picture behind the candles, it was my sister. Beautiful and young and Forever frozen in this age, in this time. So full of life.

So deserving of this life.

Yet here I was. alive. with nothing in life accomplished. nothing going for myself, hating every second that I was given a chance to live but not her, confused and conflicted. I will never understand why this happened.

Staring at her picture, I started again,

"You let me live yet, everyday I am in a constant battle of trying to make things right, or trying to live life for the goodness of it, trying to live for my sister but how can I? I am such a fuck up."

yeah that was the type of relationship I had with God, where I could ..talk to him as a real person.

sighing, I laid back in bed and just stared at the ceiling, pretending that it was God, of course I don't have any idea of how God would look like but I imagined a big burly man with white hair and a big white flowing beard with soft yet concerned features, grabbing my sister's picture on my night stand. I felt the tears welled up in my eyes, and slowly falling down my cheeks. hugging her picture close to my heart, I closed my eyes and recalled my memories of her, and with her.

her laughter, her voice, her smile, everything about her, It's only been 6 months but still..her death felt as if it happened just yesterday. Every second I am haunted by the fate that was chosen for us.

We both fell ill, with the same sickness. we both fought hard to live. I made it out, and was relieved. When she didn't I felt..such immense guilt for being relieved. for being alive. when she deserved life more than I.

"God,

I do not understand your plan, and I probably never will but it is hard. and I just wish..you let her see me, or visit me at least...I just wish you could let me dream a dream where I am reuniting with her and talking stories and catching up and the things I want to tell her, like how her baby girl knows she's with you but still asks questions like "why she went" I guess it doesn't really make sense to her but she's trying to understand..just like how I am trying to understand your plans. ..and Im so sorry for...doubting you and...resenting you and..basically ..almost hating you... because I know you have a purpose. and who am I? to question your purpose. to question your plan? when I am just a speck of dust in your creation...but how can I live on acting as if I am at peace when I am far from it?

Angrily, I sat up in bed with my head in my hands, my sister's picture in my lap, I watched my tears splattered across the glass that acted as a cover for her picture. wiping my eyes suddenly, I sat up right and breathed deeply in and out.

"Did you ever think about my parents? how they would feel to lose another child??? so soon?? did you ever think of my siblings and I? how a lone I would feel? she was my bestest friend and you let this world take her away from me. and I know I've said you, but safe to say this world because.. I mean YOU ARE GOD?!? you could of prevent this?? you could just with the snap of your finger or blink of an eye stopped her sickness, gotten her better and she would of came home. like she wanted. she cried to come home. she said it outloud did you not hear her? how did you hear my prayers? instead of hers? I mean we all prayed. hard and long into the nights early mornings, why would you just turn away like this? was it to torture me? because you know I am weak? because You knew I would feel this way towards you after everything. I love you but I am so angry with you and I refuse to hate you because.. can I even admit that? even if I felt a tiny bit of myself hating you, Im scared to recognized that. . I am conflicted because I love you but also..I am so hurt by you..."

I stood up and started to pace the room,

"God..I thank you for helping me get out of there alive but why do I feel so much guilt? It just doesnt sit right with me. and who am I again? to even question your divine plan? I guess its the part where I dont understand it all is what gets me. because I just don't, no matter how many people tells me so many times "it's all apart of God's plan" .. that phrase for awhile made me so angry with you."

Sitting back on the bed, I continued.

"Are you there?, God..It's me..riley..

I'm sorry.. forgive me, for doubting you, and your divine plan. whatever it is... but..

"I .. will learn to heal eventually, and although your plan to me is still not clear, I guess this is the part where I have to trust you right? trust you and just completely have faith, because like it says in the bible 'Jeremiah 29:11 :

 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'

and..I guess.. Ill just have to wait.. to see her again..maybe..if..or when I do make it up there, we can sit and talk just like this except with you across from me. and then you would tell me your grand plan of it all...thank you God."