No Place Like Home for the Holidays

I take a deep breath in when I step out of my car. It’s the first time I’ve been home for the holidays since I graduated college, so I haven't had the chance to smell that familiar hometown air in a long time. It’s crisp and smells kinda like pinecones. I look around while walking up to my parents’ front door. This is the house I grew up in, and everything looks almost the same. Of course, there are some slight differences, but the house and its surrounding property are so familiar and warm. It welcomes me with open arms when I lightly knock on the hard oak door for the first time in forever. In a matter of seconds, the door is practically flying off its hinges from my mother opening the door.

“Charlotte! Sweetie, it's so nice to see you!” my mom quickly envelopes me in a warm hug. Even though she's getting flour, and what appears to be cookie crumbs, all over my coat I squeeze her back with just as much love as she is giving me. Soon enough my dad is at the door as well waiting to greet me.

“There you are sweetheart,” And I am once again embraced with the world's strongest bear hug.

I look around as I walk into the foyer of my childhood home. The same cracks and marks on the walls are still where they were when I left, and Pompom, our family cat, lays where she always did right by the warm and crackling fireplace.

“You got here early,” my mom states as she leads me inside to the warmth of their fireplace. “You weren’t supposed to get here until tomorrow night. What happened?” I sit down at the dining room table as my dad prepares some hot coffee for us.

“I just wanted to see you all sooner,” I smile. “Is there anything wrong with wanting to see my family?”

My mom just smiles at me as my dad sets down a tray with three mugs of coffee for us.

“We're so glad you’re here this year. It’s been so lonely without you home for the past five years.” My dad frows.

“I know. For what it's worth I've missed you guys so much! I was able to take an extra long break from work this year, so you’ll be seeing a lot of me this year,” I giggle. “Trust me by the time Christmas is over you’ll be packing my bags for me.”

My comment only makes them laugh more as we sit together as a family to enjoy our late-morning coffees. As I’m sitting there with both of them I can't help but feel nostalgic, thinking about the countless times that we had dinner at this very table as a family. All the conversations and family meetings we’ve had. As I reminisce about all the things we've done in the house, I also think about all the fun we've had outside of the house.

Every vacation, every trip to the local supermarket, all the cups of coffee and hot cocoa we've drank at the local cafe. There are many memories in this small town that I call home. Well, technically it's not my home anymore, but I'll always think of it as my real home. And I think of all of the small and simple joys I've had here I begin to wonder why I ever even left. What exactly did I want that my home could not provide for me?

“Speaking of your job, how is it going sweetheart?” my dad walks over to refill his coffee mug.

In college, I majored in finance. After graduating I was offered a job working as an accountant with a CEO at his offices. To be honest, I took the job offer because it paid well. Actually, it paid way better than what an average accountant would make, but good money doesn't mean a good job. I actually hate my job for multiple reasons but mostly because it's nothing like they told me it would be. The people I work with are terrible and my boss is selfish. Part of the reason I could never visit home was actually because of my job. I can’t complain though. I don’t want to make them worry or disappoint them.

“It's good Dad.” I smile at him and swallow all the complaints I have.

For the rest of the morning, we talked about all the things I've missed in the past few years. Our next-door neighbor got married, some new businesses opened up, usual small-town activities.

“Oh my goodness! You should go into town and see Andrew! You know, the boy you used to have a crush on in middle school.” my mom gushes and I roll my eyes.

“Why? What's he been up to?”

“Well, when he graduated he kinda laid low for a while and didn't do much. He seemed a bit… depressed maybe. But after a while, he bounced back and became a whole new man!”

“Mhm, he took after his dad and opened up a business and started building houses,” My dad explains. “Here.” He hands me a phone with a web page opened.

Bright Builders Construction Company.

The website went through various testimonials from his clients and listed all the services he provided. Basic business things. Then I tapped the ‘about’ section. Immediately I was taken back. Back to the moments in high school when I liked him so much. Loved him even. It was a simple photo of him, to anyone else it was simple, but to me it was different.

He looks almost the same as when I last saw him. Same hair, same smile, same guy I loved. I guess I had been staring at the photo for too long because I only snapped out of my trance when my mom cleared her throat.

“We had him do some construction on our house not too long ago,” she gushed. “Oh, he was absolutely amazing! A real angel too!”

My parents went on and on about his work. How he was so talented and hard-working. I didn't think much of it, because I already knew all of that. We were super good friends in high school and I had a huge crush on him. My parents knew about this crush and always tried to set me up with him or encourage me to make a move and ask him out. I never did. I tried many times to drop hints or ask him subtle questions to see if he felt the same way, but I don’t think he ever did feel about me how I felt about him.

“Charlotte,” my mom smiles at me and grabs both of my hands. “You should go into town and see him! Oh, I'm sure he would be ecstatic!” my mom goes on and on, but I'm not really listening to her.

I'm not doing that. I'm not going out of my way just to break my heart. Besides, it's been five years since I last saw him, and my mom did say that he’s become a“whole new man”. For all I know he could be a complete asshole now, or he could be married or in a serious relationship. I don't want to intrude on his life either. I was a good friend who left him and I'm sure he doesn't even want to see me.

After a long day of catching up with the latest small-town dramas, and telling my parents about my own dramas, it was time to retire for the night. As I was getting ready for bed I realized that I had forgotten my toothpaste and brush at home.

“I'll just have to deal with it tonight. I'll buy some new ones tomorrow.” I say to myself as I climb into my old bed in my old childhood bedroom. 

While I drift in and out of sleep I keep thinking about Andrew. I think about what my

Mom said about how I felt. I think about him and how he looks. I wonder if he is still the same Andrew I left knowing, or if he really did change completely. And for a moment I second guess myself. Maybe I should seek him out and confront him. It's not like I'll be here for long anyway.

The sun rose as quickly as I fell asleep and its bright rays shone on my face, awakening me abruptly. I groggily stumbled into the bathroom looking for my toothpaste and toothbrush only to remember that I forgot them. I sigh and throw on a pair of shoes, grab my car keys and purse, make my way to my car, and start driving into town. Even the surroundings are the same as when I left. Although I suppose that is to be expected in a smaller city. Not much changes. There are a few new buildings and some new restaurants. They finally got a grocery store in town so there's no need for me to go miles out of my way into the next city.

As I step out of my car I regret not grabbing my coat as well. The air is sharp and pierced my skin even through my thicker Christmas PJs. I practically run into the store and sigh when the heated air washes over me like a warm hug. Navigating through the story front full of Christmas decorations and an abundance of bows and wrapping paper, I finally find the regular aisles and then  the hygiene aisle. As I scan the shelves of toothpaste and mouthwash, something or someone, catches my eye. Standing there just on the other side of the same aisle right now, is Andrew.

I remember that I decided I did want to talk to him, but I didn't expect to have to do it so soon. He must have felt my eyes burning into him because he turned and stared at me for a second. It felt like more than just a few seconds really, but right as he opened his mouth to speak I grabbed whatever random items I needed, darted out of the aisle, and swiftly slid into a self-checkout counter. After paying for my items I leave the store and just sit in my car for a while. I feel weird. Weird for just ignoring him and weird for the fact that for the first time he saw me in several years I was dressed in penguin pajamas. I can't figure out why I just ran from him. I'm not scared of him, I have no reason to be.

I sit there for a good five minutes just thinking about whatever just happened before I decide to stop stressing about it and just grab something to eat before going back home. It was at this moment that I also looked down at my dash to see that my gas light was lit, meaning that the roaring in my tummy would have to wait just a bit longer. Thankfully I had enough gas to make it to the nearest  station and luckily it wasn't too packed either. Unluckily for me, I also realized at that moment that I no longer had my bank card. This must mean that I left it lying at the grocery store, meaning that I would have to go back there as well.

I decided to just take the cash I had on me and get just enough gas to make it back to the store. I'd then come back for more. I make my way back to the store praying the whole way that Andrew has left by now. I march back in and begin inspecting the register that I used. I guess the answer to my prayers was a no, because at that moment, while I was down on my knees swiping my hand under the dirty checkout register, a pair of heavy work boots stopped just in front of me.

“You looking for something Charlotte?” It's Andrew.

I crane my neck to look up at him. I press my lips together giving him my best awkward smile and in the calmest voice I can muster I respond.

“Yeah, I think I might have lost my card here.”

He was more than happy to help me find it. We both searched around the store and outside before we found it at the customer service desk. Grateful that someone returned the card, I smile widely. Andrew walks me out to my car and on the way we have a nice conversation.

“I'm glad you were able to get your card back. It would have been a pain if you had to cancel it on… vacation?” he questions.

“Yeah it would suck, and yeah I'm on a vacation. Just visiting.” 

“Ah,” he looks away from me.

“I, uh, I'm sorry about earlier. I guess I was sort of nervous to see you after so long.” I explain awkwardly.

“It's fine,” he smiles. “I wasn't expecting to see you either.” The tension is unfortunately thick. I guess I was hoping it would be easy to talk to him since we used to be friends but I guess not.

“How have you been?” I attempt to make small talk.

“I'm good, how about you? Are you doing good at your job?" Of course he'd have to mention that.

“To be honest I don't really like it,” Why am I telling him this? “My co-workers suck, and I just don't think I'm really treated fairly,” I explain.

“Well, I'm looking for a secretary. You could always leave and come back to me.” he laughs. He's joking but something in his tone makes it sound kinda serious.

“Yeah I could,” I giggle too. We stay silent for a moment while I think of what to say. “I'm sorry I left and didn't say anything.”

“Charlotte, you don't owe me an explanation. You never did.”

“Yeah but we were good friends, and I feel like my leaving ruined that friendship.” I frown.

This time it's his turn to smile awkwardly. He bites his lip and looks around seemingly searching for words to say.

“I think our friendship was ruined for a long time. Even before you left for college it was ruined.”

“What?” I say just above a whisper. Really I only said it to myself.

His words make my heart sink and they only confirm my earlier suspicions that he never felt anything for me like I felt for him. If he weren't standing here and if It weren't a public space I’d probably burst into tears, but I persist and keep myself composed. I'll just have to cry later.

“I stopped wanting to be your friend long before you left,” Wow, way to drive the knife deeper, I think to myself. I was confused and hurt, and I guess he could tell because his next words come out much more rushed. “I mean I liked you. Well, I still like you, I mean. Like more than a friend kind of like!” he explains awkwardly. 

I can't help but laugh out loud. This whole thing is so bizarre. I'm still processing what he's saying. He likes me, and he has for a while apparently.

“You're laughing. Why?” he sounds panicked.

“I'm so sorry. I just didn't expect this.” I pause to catch my breath. “I like you too, more than a friend.”

He smiled. 

“I wanna see you again before you leave.”

After a longer conversation, we decide to meet up again, intentionally this time, for coffee or a drink. The whole way home I have a warm feeling deep inside. I feel good, like I've accomplished something. A weight has been pulled off of me. Even as I walk into my parents’ home, and back into my bedroom, I can't stop smiling. I’m glad I ran into him, and I’m glad I came home for the holiday.