For Her

She walked out into the sun, 86 degrees biting at her forehead as she looked down at the patio. Beads of sweat formed just under her hairline instantaneously. “Ugh, I hate freakin Ohio,” she growled miserably. “Why is it either pouring rain or scorching hot for 90-percent of the summer?”

“Drama queen, drama queen,” came the voice of her five-year-old daughter.

“Wait a minute, whaddayu mean, stinker?” She called out.

“Member when I said it was too hot to go inna garage,” she giggled. You said I‘m a drama queen, remember that mom?” She doubled over holding her tummy and shrieking a laugh.

“You’re so silly, bug. Get over here so I can kiss that face,” she said playfully. Arianna ran to her mommy, her curls bouncing wildly. She giggled as she heard the FaceTime tune sound.

“Is it daddy?” She asked excitedly.

“How’d you know?”

“I don’t know, I just did! Give it to me, give it to me,” she playfully exclaimed as she retrieved the device. “Hi daddy!”

“Hi beautiful, how ya doin?”

“Good. How is your day?”

“Good! I just miss your face.”

“I miss you too, daddy. I wanna come to your house. How many sleeps before it’s your turn again?

“Well, let’s see. Today is Wednesday and we meet on Saturday, so Wednesday, Thursday, Friday makes how many sleeps?

“Three sleeps!”

“You got it!”

Jasmine went upstairs to hang laundry. She hasn’t been able to hear his voice lately without feeling emotional. She resented him a little, but he was the only one she ever actually loved. She messed up, and even though she cheated on him more than once, wasn’t always the ideal mom, drank a lot, experimented with a couple drugs, and even brought the police to their door a couple of times, she felt that was then and she had grown beyond that now. She wants to try again, and he won’t even begin to hear her reasoning. He did forgive me several times though, she thought. The therapist always reminds her of that, tells her to be patient and focus on Arianna for now. Imma focus on her alright, she thought. Imma win and Imma get my money. She sat on the bed and began reciting random multiplication aloud as the therapist taught her to refrain from crying when she got upset. “Four times four is sixteen, five times five is twenty-five, six times sev..?

“Mommy, dad wants to talk to you,” traveled Arianna’s little voice from the living room. Oh god, she thought. That really figures. Her face felt numb. She tapped her cheeks and forehead a few times to help with her anxiety and potentially her blood flow. She slowly walked down the steps taking as many deep breaths as possible for composure. The moment she reached the bottom landing, Ari was standing there with her phone.

“Here mom, dad wants to talk to you now, and I need to go potty.” She handed her the phone and headed up the steps.

“Thank you, baby.” As if talking to him wasn’t difficult enough, Derrick was still on camera. “Hi,” she forced out releasing a deep breath.

“Hey Jas,” look, I was hoping we can talk about this kindergarten situation.”

“I thought we agreed on the homeschooling.” He had been asking her to consider letting Arianna go to school in Minnesota where he lives. She did need the stability and to be around other kids, as well as the preparation for first grade. He was always a good parent taking full responsibility, even when she wasn’t around for months at a time. He could have filed abandonment and taken her rights away but chose not to do so. To agree to what he wants though would mean that she would basically be letting him win and giving him sole custody.

“We did, sorta,” he replied. “But I was just wondering if you’ve thought about what we talked about. I mean, you said that you couldn’t afford to live if I took Ari full time, so I offered to still pay the child support and keep her on my insurance. I mean I know you’ll miss her, but this is better for her so what’s holding you back?”

“Honestly, I feel threatened this will give you all the leverage and make me look like a bad mom.”

Shocked, he sat quiet for a moment. He actually believed her. Out of everything she was, from his experience with her, the one thing this woman was not, is honest. “Look, it doesn’t make you a bad mom. It actually looks good on you that you’d be willing to do that for her knowing it’s a sacrifice for you.”

“If I still take the money, I think they will think I don’t care.”

“I disagree, Jasmine, and like our order says, as long as we can agree on it, we don’t have to go back to court and all that mess.”

“I just want her to do the homeschooling.”

“Okay, but Ari is a social butterfly and she’s super active. I think this will affect her negatively when she has to start out in first grade. Will you at least put some thought into that part of it? She’s gonna hate school if we do it this way.

“Then why can’t she go here?”

“Come on Jas, you know why. I know you love Ari and you are good to her, but I also know you don’t have a stable home life or a stable income other than child support from me and from Colton. I know that’s not everything, but you also have a special needs child who takes most of your time and energy, which leaves Ari feeling rejected and alone. It’s not fair to her and I think you know that.”

“I’ll think about it,” she answered. She felt ashamed. She knew he was right, but if she agreed to what he wanted, she lost. She would also have to acknowledge that her life was a wreck. She begged her mother to take her younger child, Hanna, to the park just to spend an hour or two with Ari. She noticed Ari has been sad and angry most of her time there, she cries a lot and acts out for attention. She never did this before they found out Hanna has autism, before the behavioral specialists started coming into the home, and before she had to start doing all these extra things with Hanna. Deep down, she knows it is better for Ari, but she’s not giving in to him. He wont even hear her out when she tries to talk to him about them getting back together and being a family, and now he is in a relationship and uses that as part of his whole stability argument. He thinks he is better than me and all he wants to do is hurt me, she told herself. Ari is a kid. Kids are resilient and she will be fine.

“Okay, I really hope you will,” he responded, not sounding too hopeful.

“I will.” She didn’t plan on it. “See you Saturday.”

The following week, she sat staring at her phone in her lap. She was excited to talk to Arianna but dreaded the call. She knew Derrick was going to ask her if she had thought about the kindergarten situation again. She was already three minutes late, so she forced herself to tap his name on her phone. She let out a breath when Arianna answered, “Hi mom!”

“Hi baby, what ya doin today?”

“Oh, we’re just getting ready to go to the trampoline park. Is a new one far far away dad said.”

“Oh, that sounds fun!”

“Yeah, we painted my room. You wanna see it?”

“Of course,” she answered. It burned that Ari had her own room at her dad’s house. Arianna ran to her bedroom and held the phone up turning in circles so her mommy can see the pink and purple walls, her new unicorn poster, her fake candles on her new shelf, the glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling, and lastly, her favorite spot where her daddy painted her name above her bed. She was so proud that she helped paint her happy masterpiece.

When Derrick heard them getting ready to hang up, he asked to speak to Jasmine again. “Please tell me you’ve thought about it, thinking about it, something?”

“Not really. I’ve been really busy with Hanna, and Colton has been here this week. Colton is Hanna’s dad, with whom she still has relations occasionally. She threw that in there hoping to make him a little jealous, at least distracted.

“Okay, well this is the last week to sign her up, so I’m guessing that’s a no?”

“Well, I got some not so good news. I am not healthy,” she told him hesitantly, knowing he wouldn’t believe her.

He paused for a moment. So much for growth, he thought. “Whaddaya mean?”

“I have heart disease.” She tried to make eye contact.

He felt trapped. How selfish can she be? Knowing it is likely not true, but there is minimal possibility it is, so he could not be rude or sound critical. He stayed quiet for moment trying to think of what to say, since all he wanted to do was ask if she really still thought he could believe her phony stories. He could see she was trying not to cry. “Sorry to hear,” he finally responded flatly. He hated that his bitter feelings toward her blinded him from realizing she is a human being sometimes. Had she not been so reckless and cruel in all the time he knew her, it would be easier, and he knew he owed it to Ari to try to see her as a person. Why does she have to be such a heartless, habitual liar?

“I guess, maybe I kinda deserve it, huh?” She tried to look at him but only looked down at her hands as she felt a tear roll down her cheek. She hated that she couldn’t keep her emotions in check when she talked to him. She was not giving in to him when he didn’t care about her. Her story wasn’t the full truth, and she was ashamed of that too, that she goes to such measures when she doesn’t know a better way to say no. The truth is the doctor said she may be heading down that path because of her shortness of breath and blood pressure, and something about how it may be genetic.

“I never thought or said such a thing. Almost no one deserves to be sick,” he responded. They were both quiet for a moment again. Crying of course. Always a victim, he thought. “Well, I guess that’s it then. I’ll give the phone to Ari so you can say bye to her.”

After she hung up the phone, she could no longer hold it inside. Her mother and Hanna were upstairs, and she knew they might hear her, so she grabbed her blanket, buried her face in it, and let go. She bawled and howled. The pain was so intense, she squeezed the blanket until her wrists hurt. “It’s not fair!” She screamed and cried out. She felt like a brick had been lunged into her chest and was held up by knots in her intestines. “I just do what I need to to survive, she thought. Why is life so ungodly unfair? She felt she needed another chance. She had not understood a lot in the past. “I can do better now,” she wailed into the blanket. She could hear Hanna running around upstairs, and thought she’d better collect herself before her mother gets suspicious and tries to listen. She usually talks to Arianna for around fifteen minutes. She’d been gone for about forty. Her head felt like a maraca full of stones anyway. Screw him, she thought. Just wait, I’ll find someone better and he’ll regret not giving me another chance.

She felt angry and sad most of the time All she needs is someone to think about her first for once. That’s the thing about people. No one can seem to put their own shit aside for a minute to consider someone else’s needs, she thought. She rolled her eyes. I guess I don’t need anyone else. I got me. My girls will never go thr.. She paused, shook her head, grabbed a tissue, and held it to her cheek when her face began to tingle. She thought maybe she was having a stroke for a moment. Oh my god, she thought. She stared at the floor for a moment and cried silently, surprised there were any more tears to cry. “I can’t let her feel like this, be like me,” she whispered to herself. She picked her phone up and tapped his name.

“Hey,” he answered. “Hold on, she’s downstairs getting her shoes.”

“Hey, I want to talk to you.”

“Oh, what’s up?”

“It’s okay,” she said, feeling her voice shake again.

“What?”

“She can go to school, there in Minnesota,” she said quietly. She knew she was doing the right thing, but she was trying not to think of how difficult it will be without having Ari around regularly.

“Are you serious?” He wanted to ask why, but he didn’t want to risk her getting offended and changing her mind.

“Yeah, I think you’re right. It is better for her.”

“Honestly?” It was hard to believe since she had never seemed to think of anyone but herself when making decisions for Ari. He wondered if she had an agenda but pushed that thought aside.

“Yeah, and I think she’d want to go to school if she had the choice.”

“Yeah, me too,” he agreed.

“Well, I do want her over winter and spring breaks, and maybe every couple weeks during the summer, or half the summer or something.”

“That works, whatever you want.” Maybe she is more human than I thought, he considered.

“Well, I guess that’s it. Just wanted you to know. We can work out the details later.”

“Yeah, sounds good.”

They hung up. She felt a whirlwind of emotions, but she could breathe. The weight began to be lifted from her chest. She smiled, though she wasn’t sure she was completely done crying. She wiped her face and climbed the staircase. She grabbed Hanna’s hand. “Going outside,” she called to her mother, who she didn’t want to realize she’d been crying. She walked out into the sunshine, 86 degrees kissing her cheeks. She looked down at Hanna’s tiny hand and rubbed it with her thumb.