Fighting For Love

“Jamie take a picture!” I yelled at my best friend while holding a sprinkler and smiling.

We were at the annual Fourth of July Street Dance in our hometown in New York. Every year we came here to support local vendors and hang out until the fireworks show.

I was staring down at my phone. “Andddd posted”, I tapped the phone screen and shoved my phone into the back pocket of my fire red shorts.

We found an area of grass under a tree to set up our blankets and have a picnic before the show started.

“I can’t believe we’re going into our senior year of high school” Jamie said while fluffing out the blanket and laying it in the grass.

Stacy sat on the blanket and started taking sandwiches out of our picnic basket. “Bring on the college parties and cute boys”.

I snorted grabbing my sandwich and a bottle of water. “Speak for yourself.”

The three of us talked for another hour while running into other kids from our school. I got weird stares and awkward “hello”s, which I was used to after what happened last year.

 It started to get dark and the show was about to start. I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket.

I stared at the screen for what felt like hours. My normally tan cheeks were turning rosy red. My upper lip started to sweat meaning I was about to go into full panic mode.

I tapped the Instagram notification.

“I think I saw you at the Street Dance earlier” 

He was here and he saw me? I felt dizzy.

Jamie snatched my phone. “Since when do you and Rowan talk? You literally haven’t had a conversation since freshman year.”

I snatched it back. “We don’t. Which is why I’m so confused as to why he replied to my post as if we’re friends or something.”

But that familiar tug was back in my chest. The one that I felt for him three years ago when we first became friends. I blamed us not speaking anymore on the fact that he graduated, but I knew it was deeper than that. 

I must have typed and deleted my response at least five times. I hated that he still had this effect on me. 

“Oh nice” was all I managed to type. I groaned and put my phone face down on the blanket. I just wanted to enjoy the fireworks.

The firework show was a nice distraction, but I could still hear my own heartbeat thudding in my ears over all the whistles and booms that echoed in the sky after each explosion. 

I decided not to check my phone until I got back to Jamie’s house. I nearly dropped my phone when I opened the message.

“Where are you? We should catch up”

“I’m at Jamie’s house for the night” my fingers typed quicker than I could think.

“Ok I should be there in 15 minutes, I’ll start walking now”

This happened so fast I didn’t have time to evaluate anything. I looked in the mirror not satisfied with what I saw. In true Fourth of July fashion, I was sporting a white tube top with red shorts. My curly hair was frizzy from all of the humidity, and my mascara smudged giving me raccoon eyes.  

“Shit” I muttered.

I ran into the bathroom and threw my hair into a high bun. I cleaned my face then re-applied my mascara and lip gloss. I couldn’t believe this was happening.

“Here” my phone pinged.

“You got this. He’s just a stupid boy” I thought to myself.

Jamie leaned against the bathroom wall watching me with an icy glare. I knew my over protective best friend was going to come outside with me. 

Rowan flashed me that smile that made me weak in the knees from the first time I laid eyes on him. He looked taller and more in shape than the scrawny prepubescent kid I met in high school. 

He scooped me up into a bear hug making me squeal. It was like no time had passed between us at all, except it did and he had no idea of the demons I carried with me now.

Jamie led us into her backyard where we sat on her deck underneath warm white string lights. We caught each other up on everything that had transpired over the last three years. Rowan was going into his sophomore year of college. I was planning on attending a university out of state. And Jamie was going to stay local to play volleyball at a D1 college in our area.

I kept finding Rowan’s chocolate brown eyes fixated on me, as if he were trying to figure me out. There was that tug again. 

“Lil I saw that you transferred to Liverpool High School in January but you’re back already. What’s that all about?” Rowan asked.

Jamie stood up out of her deck hair and dusted off her shorts. “Well I’m gonna head back inside and let you two talk.” I caught the look in her eyes and head nod as if to say trust your heart. But little did she know my heart and brain would always play tug of war when it came to Rowan.

“My mom and I decided to give it a shot because her boyfriend lives out there but I wanted to graduate at Green Run so we moved back” I said pulling the rubber band on my wrist that my therapist gave me. In this moment it was not helping me at all.

“I don’t believe you.”

I looked up to see Rowan’s face hard as stone. This was a small town and I was sure that he got word of what happened, but which version of the story I’m not so sure.

“It doesn’t matter what you believe because that’s the truth.” I stood up to walk away when I felt his hand grab my elbow.

The unexpected touch made something in me snap. I spun around so fast it made me dizzy.

“Don’t” was all I was able to say with a shaky finger pointed at him.

There was pity in his eyes. “Lil please talk to me and tell me what’s going on. You’re jumpy and you flinch every time I move. My little brother told me what happened with Colton. Is it true?”

There was fire in my eyes. If looks could kill, Rowan would have turned into a pile of ashes right at this very moment.

“You don’t get to ask me what happened. I don’t care about the rumors. Maybe if you hadn’t abandoned me when you went off to college, you would know what I went through.” I realized I was yelling now, and Rowan had taken a couple steps back.

“I’m sorry. I got so caught up in school work and basketball and just college life. But I am so damn sorry. Deep down I knew that you deserved better than me so I distanced myself from you, okay?” Rowan started closing the distance. “I thought he was better” he whispered.

I took a step back. “You left me with a monster Ro! He-“

My walls were cracking. The walls I spent relentlessly building ever since that day in the hallway last year.

I suddenly couldn’t hear. Rowan was talking but he sounded like he was miles away. I tried to use my rubber band to bring me back to the present, but it wasn’t working. I was right back in that hallway.

BANG. BANG. BANG.

I could feel my back against the locker. I could smell Colton hovering over me. And then – my senses were invaded by a different smell. It was a mixture of mint and sandalwood. The smell that made me feel intoxicated anytime it was near. 

Rowan had wrapped himself around me in a full embrace. My shuddering body was finally starting to calm down. After a few deep breaths, I realized I was gripping Rowan’s shirt as if my life depended on it. I let go of his shirt and let the blood flow return to my knuckles, but I didn’t step back and neither did he.

We stayed in this moment, chest to chest, for what felt like a lifetime. And I savored every moment of it.

Finally a few minutes later, I took a few steps back from him. Those adorable brown eyes that were there moments ago were now filled with something unrecognizable. Regret with a dash of lust maybe.

“Nothing that I say or do will make up for the way that I left you Lil” Rowan started. “But I would be crazy to not at least try."

He reached his hand out for mine and I knew this was it. 

I placed a shaky hand in his and let him guide me back to the table in Jamie’s backyard. 

Together we sat there, hand in hand, just talking underneath the stars. Talking with Rowan made me realize I was deserving of a love that fought for me, not against me. Maybe I would find that in him.