The Art of Falling Forward

Katie released a big sigh. “I’m entirely bored with life.”

I paused Love Island: All Stars. The reality show’s latest bombshell, Ekin-Su, was mid-sob after the “Snog, Marry, Pie” challenge, tears, mascara, and whipped cream frozen all over her face. I had a feeling my girlfriend’s face would soon resemble Ekin-Su’s, so I wrapped my arm around her, giving her shoulder a light shake. “What makes you say that?” I asked.

“It’s just the same old thing every day,” she replied, nestling into my shoulder. “Commute. Work. Commute. Gym. Eat. Sleep. I feel like I’m not really doing anything.”

“Well let’s do something then. We can go to the MET, I know you mentioned wanting to go there recently.”

Katie sighed again, and I could tell I had missed the mark. My brain scrambled to come up with a new solution, maybe something a little more expensive, but I hadn’t thought past heading to the mall for a shopping spree at Skims before she started gushing. “It’s not that. I’m not talking about going on dates and stuff. I’m talking about my life. Like I’m just not feeling fulfilled. I feel like I could be doing more. You know? This whole nine to five thing is just like…ugh. I feel so…average. I don’t want to be average. I want to…well, feel fulfilled!”

I gently brushed Katie’s shoulder with my fingertips, unsure of what to say. This was new territory for me. We had been together for nine years, living together for nearly three, and only in the past year had she started complaining about her life like this. We had been together since high school, had gone to the same college, and had both found jobs back in our hometown a few months after graduation. She was hired shortly after me, and with our newfound money we decided to move in together. She had a nice job as a marketing assistant in the city and had been there for almost three years, working the cute corporate life that a lot of girls on her TikTok For You page lived. I thought she was content with her life as it was. But now it seemed as though I had misunderstood her. All the times she had mentioned wanting more in life before always seemed like it was done in passing, not serious, just something she said after a long day and after she hadn’t eaten since her last snack at three p.m. But there was an undeniable tone in her voice that set me on edge and kicked my brain into overdrive, working extra hard to come up with ways to protect her and make sure she didn’t get upset for real.

“Well…what do you want to do to feel fulfilled?” I asked.

This seemed to be the right question to ask. Katie perked up, her eyes lighting up as the gears started to turn in her head. “I think I want to create something. I don’t want to send emails for the rest of my life.”

“Okay,” I continued. “What do you want to create? Content?”

Katie shook her head, staring straight ahead at the TV screen, though her mind was elsewhere. Daydreaming. “No…not content. I think I need to think about it some more. Let’s keep watching.”

I obliged and un-paused the show, and we continued watching Ekin-Su’s meltdown.

At eleven p.m. the next day, I stood at our apartment door fumbling with my keys after a long workday. I never minded listening to Katie’s workday stressors, but whenever she asked about mine, I always downplayed because working as a junior associate at a law firm was sometimes markedly more stressful than Katie’s complaints about having to juggle a lot of deadlines. Thank God today was Friday. I blinked to try to get the tired out of my eyes so I could get the damn door unlocked, but before I could I heard some hurried footsteps and then the door began to unlock from the other side. Katie swung the door open, eyes bright.

“Babe, I figured out what I’m gonna do! I’m gonna dance.”

The only thing I had been thinking about on my commute home was laying on the couch for a very long time, but I was frozen in the doorway. I hadn’t even stepped foot into our apartment yet. “Dance?” I repeated.

Katie nodded. “Yes! I’ve always loved to dance, you know that. It’s so fun and creative. I think it could really be what I need right now. There’s a dance competition in a month—I’ve already signed up.”

My head was swimming. I felt confused and slightly delirious. My body finally managed to take over for my mind and I somehow slid past her into our apartment, making a beeline for the couch. No. The kitchen. “Do we have food?” I asked.

Katie shut the door and followed close behind me, voice racing. “Yeah, I ordered Italian. It’s in the fridge. Listen, I’ve already started practicing. You’re gonna have to watch me and let me know how I’m doing. We have to come up with our own choreography and everything. I’m picking hip-hop. Will you watch me now? I have the beginning of a routine down and I need some feedback.”

As Katie was talking, I had grabbed the Italian food from the fridge and started digging through it, munching on a garlic knot while I waited for some rigatoni to finish heating up in the microwave. Now that I had some sustenance in me, I was feeling a little more focused, so I leaned against the counter and faced her, waving the garlic knot in her direction. “Go ahead then. Let’s see it.”

Katie leapt up and ran out of the kitchen to get her speaker. My pasta finished heating up as soon as she got back. I snatched that bowl from the microwave behind me, at the same time remembering I still had my tie on. I started loosening that from my neck, and Katie already had the song queued up and was standing in position ready to start, kitchen ceiling light beaming down on her like a spotlight.

“Plain Jane” by A$AP Ferg began to play. She started with just a light bounce before launching into some exaggerated hip hop choreography. It only lasted a few seconds, and by the time she was finished, she was breathing hard, focusing so hard on me that I was transfixed. I had never seen anyone look so thrilled before. It was then I realized she was waiting on me to react, and I hadn’t said anything.

“It…wow,” was all I managed to get out.

She leaned forward. “Well? What did you think?”

It was terrible. Katie could not dance. At all. My brain was already overheated from that day and now it was running on fumes trying to make the decision on what to say quickly. “I was great!” I splurted out.

“Omg, really?”

I nodded vigorously. “Oh hell yeah. You killed it babe. You’re gonna do great.”

Katie squealed with delight and jumped up and down. “Okay great! I’m gonna practice some more—I know you’re probably tired so I’ll try to be quiet and try to come to bed soon. Got lots of practicing to do. But ahh I’m so excited! Thanks babe.”

I gave her a farewell nod as she exited the kitchen, a fake smile plastered across my face. It fell all the way off once she was gone. God. My girlfriend found something she was excited about, something that had made her so happy, and I wanted nothing more than to be there for her. But she was so bad at it. How on Earth was I going to keep this secret from her?

In the weeks leading up to the competition, Katie kept practicing and kept showing me her progress. I hadn’t told her anything other than that she was doing great, with hopes that she would improve as she practiced, but she didn’t. I had tried asking if she thought about taking a class before joining a competition, but she was dead set on competing. On top of that, just a week before the competition, I was given the opportunity to lead my first deposition. I was excited, and proud of myself for proving myself to my boss, but I was also feeling anxious and more stressed to perform well. Not just at this deposition, but as a boyfriend. I didn’t want Katie to embarrass herself at this competition. The thought of her being disappointed and hurt by being rejected at this competition made my chest hurt. But as the competition grew nearer and nearer, more and more of my focus had to be on prepping for this deposition, and I had less time to think about Katie. I felt my mind darken with conflicting pressures, and on the night before my deposition, the pressure cracked.

I leaned back in one of the chairs at our small dining table, raking my hand through my hair. I had papers sprawled all over the table and my laptop in front of me. My eyes felt like they were going to fall out of my head. Katie walked around the corner from the bedroom, a gentle smile on her face.

“Hey. How’s deposition prep going?” she asked.

I sighed. “Fine.”

She stood next to me and rubbed my shoulders. “You’ll do great. Steve chose you for a reason.”

I looked up at her and just noticed that she was wearing one of my favorite pajama sets of hers. A soft, tight tank top and small, flowy shorts. I ran my fingers down her spine, my eyes tracing her body as my fingers fell lower and lower. “You know, I know one way I might be able to relax before tomorrow,” I said.

Katie rolled her eyes and pushed my arm away. “Tyler, stop. You gotta focus, and so do I. My competition is in two days, I really should be practicing right now.”

“You’ve practiced every single day since you told me about this competition. You’re as prepared as you’re ever gonna be. Come on. Let me help you relax too.”

Katie shook her head and dodged my arm trying to scoop around her. “Nope, sorry. Gotta stay focused. No distractions.”

I felt my shoulders slump. “You’re not thinking of actually winning this competition, are you?”

Katie’s brow furrowed with offense. “Of course that’s the goal. Why else would I be working so hard?” When I didn’t immediately respond, Katie’s expression changed. Her mood plummeted to resentment. “What, you don’t think I can do it?”

“I never said that,” I quickly responded. “It’s just…well, it’s your first ever dance competition. I just don’t you to feel too discouraged if you lose.”

She crossed her arms, glaring at me as if she were looking at her worst enemy. “Seems like you don’t really believe I can do this.”

“Of course I do. I just want you to set realistic expectations.”

“What good does being realistic ever do anybody? I’m trying to win this thing. So that’s what I’m aiming to do.”

“I get that, I’m just trying to make sure you know that it’s okay if you fail. It doesn’t mean you can’t try again.”

“Oh, so you think I’m going to fail?”

Katie was close to fuming, and I didn’t get why. I was just trying to help her. I leaned forward in my chair. “Katie, I never said that. I’m just trying to prepare you for the possibility—”

“You don’t see me ‘preparing you for the possibility’ of screwing up your deposition, do you?” Katie asked, using air quotes when saying “preparing you for the possibility.”

“Katie, no, but—”

“Then why are you doing it to me? You know, I’ve sensed that you never really supported me from the start. Ever since I first showed you what I came up with, I could tell you had doubts. You think I’m crazy. Ugh, God. You’re supposed to believe in me, you’re my boyfriend! I need your support more than anyone else’s, and you’re just telling me about failing instead of being encouraging.”

I could feel emotion beginning to swell inside of me, and I looked for anything to suppress it. “Katie, of course I want to encourage you. And I want to support you.”

“Then do a better job of it! I need to hear words of encouragement, something that’s actually helpful and will prepare me to do well, not all this talk about me failing or ‘preparing’ to fail or whatever else—”

“You’re not good enough! You’re not going to win, Katie.”

The words escaped me before I could do anything to stop them. They hung in the air like smoke blown from a cigarette. Katie stood, frozen and horrified, and I sat, angry and heated, until a softer emotion suddenly rolled over me and I realized what I had said.

I stood up. “Katie, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to—”

But she held a hand up to stop me. “Leave me alone.” There was power in the way she spoke, but I could see her cheeks turning red. Shit. She was definitely going to cry. I reached back out to her, but she had no intention of letting me near her that night.

My deposition had gone well. As well as it could have, given the fact that Katie hadn’t spoken to me all that day and I wanted to think about how she was doing. But somehow I was able to force myself to turn off that part of my brain and focus solely on the deposition. As soon as I was out of that room though, I wanted to check in on her. I shot her a text.

Hey, you ready for tomorrow? Don’t listen to what I said the other day. I was stressed and tired. You got this.

There was no reply. I wasn’t exactly expecting one, but it still stung. I had no idea if she was even still doing the competition. I felt an overwhelming sense of dread. When Steve, my boss, came to congratulate me on doing well at the deposition, I was only half-listening.

I went to the competition to watch Katie perform. It was a small venue, nothing in the major leagues, definitely more of a local thing. But the turnout was still pretty good. I was impressed that Katie had found this place and had the courage to follow through with this. Though she was upset with me, she hadn’t disabled her location, so I knew she was coming here today.

When it was her turn, I could tell she tried her best. But she just wasn’t as good as the rest of the competition. Watching her go up there with confidence despite what I had said to her caused emotion to grip my heart like a vise. It was admiration mixed with sadness. How could I be so mean to someone who had so much drive, someone who deserved to go for what she wanted, someone who I wanted to win so badly?

Katie found me after the competition. Disappointment and dejection had taken over her entire body. I wanted to grab her in a hug, but I didn’t make presumptions.

“I sucked,” was all she said.

“No you didn’t,” I replied.

She shot me a sharp glare, but I doubled down. “I’m serious! You really made some improvement since I last saw you try.”

Katie’s eyes began to glass over as tears threatened to flood out of them. “I heard them backstage,” she said. “They were laughing after my performance. I really am terrible.”

Again, I didn’t know what to say. I felt as though nothing I said from that point would be helpful to her. All I could offer was a hug, which I did.

She fell into my arms instantly, sobbing into my chest. I led her out of the competition venue, back home.

After an indulgent dinner in from our favorite Italian place, we found ourselves on the couch watching Love Island: All Stars again. This was a happier episode. The couples were telling each other how much they had grown to care for each other at a big brunch.

Katie had made brownies from scratch, which were finally cool enough to eat. She brought the entire pan to the living room along with two glasses of milk. I was more than ready to dig in, and cut myself a huge brownie to feast on.

“How is it?” Katie asked after I had taken my first bite.

“Amazing,” I said through my mouthful.

“Don’t lie to me,” Katie warned. “You gotta tell me when I suck at things from now on. Forreal.”

I finished chewing and swallowed everything down with a swig of milk. “You sure? You didn’t take it too well the first time.”

Katie gave me a playful slap on the arm which I didn’t do a great job of dodging. “Yes I’m serious! Despite the usual event of things…you were right. I needed to be told that I shouldn’t have been doing all that.”

I put my hand up to my ear and leaned in. “I’m sorry, what’s that? Did you just say I was right?”

Katie gave me another one of her looks. “Don’t push it. Just don’t keep those kinds of secrets from me again. Got it?”

I smiled at her and leaned in for a kiss. “Only if you promise to put on those pajamas I like so much.”

Katie’s mouth slipped into a sultry smile. “Well, I got a secret I need to share with you.”

My eyebrow shot up. “Oh? What’s that?”

“I have something even better than those pajamas. Oh, and I signed up for a writing class. I’m going for the Pulitzer Prize, baby.”