One last eulogy

Trigger warning: Contains contexts of suicide, physical violence, death, and substance abuse

1999

"Hey, back to square one!!!" I whinged, as I threw a board game piece at Harry's eight year old face. We were conversed in a rainy day game of snakes and ladders, yet the only snake i was focused on was my cheating little brother.

Monopoly was a much easier game for him to pull the wool over my eyes, he would always demand to be the banker and as i was busy arranging the property cards as the ever important real estate agent, he would wait until my eyes were averted and grab a wad of fake five hundred dollar bills. After a few hours had passed, his smug little cheshire grin would smirk " haha, I win!!"

In a hurricane of flailing limbs, paper money, game pieces and obscenities, the board game would go hurtling through the air. Landing on the other side of the room upside down like a toddlers discarded toy that they had grown bored of.

2000

Sitting tall in the recently soaped saddle, reins looped through my small fingers, seven hundred pounds of equine below me. I breathed in the fresh country air. My nostrils allured by the smells of spring, the dampened earth after heavy rains, eucalyptus leaves and the refreshing scent of woody pine. Felix my gelding jigging along in time with my beating heart.

Trail riding was my respite from everything. When my body became part of the horse, i felt untouchable. His hooves became my own, his animal instincts merged with my human senses, whispering secrets into my psyche. whoosh; I heard it hurtling towards my head before it hit me. Next moment, i felt the cold hard excrement of horse droppings bounce off my face like light bounces off a white wall.

snigger snigger; came the laughter as my eyes searched for the culprit of this sudden attack. Next thing i knew another nugget of excrement came flying out of the bushes towards my horses rump. Snorting nostrils in surprise, pawing a hoof in fright, my horse and i bounded away like an antelope trying to escape a hyena, in this case the hyena being my brother, he certainly sounded like one that day.

2001

thud; Our father's crushing blows pummelled into my side. Not enough to crush my ribcage but enough to leave me on the floor winded. As i tried to gasp for air like a fish flopping around on a sandy riverbank, opening and closing its mouth as it slowly suffocates to death, father kept hurtling blows in my direction. Taking a deep burning breath of oxygen, i used all my strength to utter the words " give me a chance!!!"

Father thinking i was wanting a chance to get up and run as far away as possible, the reality was so much more urgent.

I just wanted a chance to breathe, before he winded me again. Yet his fists kept coming and the only tactic i could use, was to roll up into a ball to protect myself, like a frightened hedgehog playing dead until danger has surpassed. Eventually the blows would cease and yet my ringing ears picked up the lethal auditory of father's next words . " right Harry it's your turn" whack; " Give me a chance!!" my brother cried.

later that same year

brrrrrrrrr; the school bell rang for recess. To my ears it sounded more like an air raid siren warning citizens of incoming war. Though i was a soldier in my own personal war. Shell shocked and battered, wishing i had mastered the skill of disassociation. I dragged myself out of the unfamiliar classroom and into the alien playground. The sounds of laughing children prickling my ears, the smells of hot pies fresh out of the canteen ovens, waiting for little hands to grasp them. The sights of swings, slides and games of tag as children darted to and fro, mocking their friends with " You can't catch me!!" Only to then get too cocky and a hand grasp their shoulders to make them the new IT.

Staring at my brand new leather school shoes, i sat on a bench. Away from the loud banter of school yard chaos. Being my very first day i didn't know a single soul. " Hey sis, shove over will ya!!" greeted my brother. Seeing his friendly little face wrapped me up in comfort, like a warm sheep wooled duvet on a cold winters night. We sat together in silence, knees touching. Using each other as a emotional shield until we both found our feet in our new surroundings.

2002

" Arghhhhhhhhhh!!!" Father screamed in rage. Flying spittle into our mothers face as he turned in the passenger seat, to stick his drunken red face inches to hers. As the designated driver, mother had to keep all her concentration on the road. A near impossible task as her husband screamed stinging abusive venom into her ear. CRASH; the noise sent electric jolts of fear through my body like touching an electric fence by accident, the fright of the shock that you never saw coming.

It was the cars glove box that had been the target of his fists this time. It couldn't endure the compact and broke in half, getting crushed under the weight of raging testosterone. " You are all useless, pathetic nothings, all three of ya!!" He snarled, like a demonic hell hound and continued to sting our mother with his venom.

Another night out as a family ruined. Promised treats of roast beef with all the trimmings, with a large helping of strawberry icecream for dessert forgotten. The only thing that had his undividing attention, was the many cans of beer he had guzzled down. Not to mention the stronger stuff he had recently been introduced to, white powdery stuff that made his eyes go big and scary. I sat in the back seat, all dressed up in my best clothes for nothing. Feeling anger so intense that I couldn't even cry, the hatred almost blinded me. As the full moon followed the car as it sped home with our mother trying her very best not to lose control and crash, I turned to look at my brother in the seat next to me.

Trying to curl himself up into a tiny invisible creature, he buried his face into his knees. His tiny body wracked into spasms with each heart wrenching sob. My heart felt like it would stop in that moment, I placed a hand on his back to comfort him.

2003

" Come here kids" our mother wept as she reached her weary arms out to grab each of us, pulling us into a protective circle. I hesitantly wrapped my bony arms around my remaining family members, flinching involuntary at the intimacy. I didn't like anyone touching me anymore, the only things i liked touching my arms were razorblades. Yet mother looked so shattered, her pain melted out of her eyes and dripped down her cheeks to then paint shapes into the creamy carpet.

" We are like a precious box of chocolates" she whispered. " a sweet little family, we will all stick together!!" My fourteen year old mind was unsure if this was an attempt at sounding poetic or just intense heartbreak speaking its painful truth, yet nothing else mattered in that moment. Mother was hurting, father was finally told to leave and so he did. With his threats of running us all over lingering in the atmosphere like a bad taste you would much rather forget. My brother glanced in my direction, arms wrapped tightly around our mother like a baby orangatan. His big brown eyes so haunted, as i gazed into them i almost got lost in a rabbit hole of anger and hurt. Not realising that my eyes were mirroring the exact same inverted wonderland as his. We sat there, our bodies comforting our mother, our souls lost in each others optic vortex.

2005

" Wheeeeeeeeeee!!!" Harry screamed ecstatically, as the new amusement ride rose sixty one metres into the sky and then came crashing back down at sixty three kilometres an hour. As my brother raised his arms in the air and laughed at the sudden adrenaline rush, i sat all harnessed up beside him, trying not to be sick. That was a whole day of smiles. Our long awaited adventure to Dreamworld was a time for pure joy and magical childhood innocence. Fairy floss, hotdogs and death defying roller-coasters and best of all, no adults!! Our day fitted itself together perfectly like a pretty jigsaw puzzle. It wasn't until we returned home that i noticed once again that one piece was missing. Where was home anyway? I had no idea. I lived in others homes temporarily, hopping from place to place like a march frog. Mother and her new husband were taking Harry interstate, his dream was to ride racehorses. So off to Melbourne they went to make it happen. Melbourne to Jockeys being like Hollywood to Actors. Harry had opportunities and was going places. I didn't know where i was going except into my own Wonderland of insanity.

Sometimes in life, the things we plan to do end up being just a passage to something else. Something greater perhaps, but always something meaningful, for life is meaning in itself. Whether you just choose to smile at a stranger or plan to change the world with creative new inventions, it all induces change. Harry followed his dreams and achieved them, he became a leading apprentice jockey. Yet the universe had other plans.

2011

" Amy, Harry died!!!" Was the voice that punched me in the heart one chilly spring morning. The sun was just starting to infiltrate the night sky and yet the cheery birdsong fell on hollow ears. The phone call that would change my life forever. Mothers sorrowful voice going on to explain that my brother had committed suicide. All i could do was scream incoherently into the phone. I fell to my knees and wept, unable to breathe, wishing fate would undo this nasty prank so i would have a chance to breathe again. " just one thing at a time!!!" My logical inner self guided. I was in a trance when i packed my bags, i had finally learnt the handy tool of disassociation. My soul left my body, rising up and into the unknown to search for my lost brother, desperate to say goodbye or beg him to take me with him. " Take me to your new wonderland" i begged, " take me where there is no pain, just joyful dancing under light spring rain. Take me where innocence grows on the banks of peace where no tears ever flow". At least i could be relieved at the fact, he had finally found his peaceful wonderland.

The seasons passed in their carasole of time, just like the Joni Mitchell song promises. Not being able to return to cosy childhood fragments of sitting beside my brother on the sofa, singing along to the sweet melody of mothers angelic voice as it sang about a boy who caught a dragonfly inside a jar. Our mothers voice was like warm strawberry liquor with hints of dark chocolate, weaving it's slightly bitter flavour with the tarty sweetness of the strawberry. Goosebumps would prickle our skin on those bittersweet days. Bitter because the moment was fleeting, sweet because the memories would stay with me forever. Whenever time passes on in my life, my mind always revisits the song.

After all these years i'll finally put him to rest, I must move on with my life and not focus on death.

I'll always love him and cherish his soul, but he would now want me to crawl out of the hole.

Onwards and upwards, I'll persevere on, and focus on living and try to be strong.

So in one last eulogy i'll finally say goodbye, I'm glad that I knew him but i'll no longer cry.