First Step

I was getting unhealthy. Now, I had known for some time that my physical wellbeing was going to be put at the back of my priorities. Not the best mindset, but I can’t help it — I’m too tired to care now with everything that had happened. 

My bed has sunken to form the shape of my near-dead body. The air-conditioning has not been turned off for quite some time; that’s probably going to reflect badly on my electrical bill. But once again, I don’t care; the school shouldn’t be complaining, after all, they did offer to pay for all my expenses. I do feel sorry for their sorry investment in… me.

I don’t know what time it is; I have since turned my alarm clock off so I that wouldn’t have to be reminded of the outside world. The sun’s light through my closed blinds is enough. My phone rings occasionally, but I just let it ring; I’m too tired to come up with an excuse anyway. It gets tiring after a while. I let out a sigh — a heavy one. I can’t really stop sighing now. It frightens me, because sometimes I want to stop sighing, but then a really big sigh rises from my lungs and I let it out, and I get even more tired. Not healthy.

The day has just begun, the sun is slowly getting stronger. I can tell from the blinds see.

With my being awake, I don’t really know what to do. Someone tries to turn the doorknob to my room, but the door has long been bolted shut. I really didn’t like how my classmates would barge in, asking if I was fine every so often. And when I had told them to stop, they refused — so I have since locked it shut. The rattling of my doorknob stops, and whoever that was has left. Maybe it was Allen, my best friend...

Oh, no it couldn’t be him anymore. 

Or maybe it was Casey, my other best friend. I did feel bad that I hadn’t seen them in awhile; but I’m sure they’re doing just fine without me. 

Or maybe it was because I had some paper for a class I’m taking. My teammates are probably gritting their teeth because I’m avoiding all responsibility. I was letting them down by not attending classes anymore. Never knew that I’d one day be… that guy in the group. 

But my health is more important to me, I justify pathetically.

I kind of miss the group dynamic; it was energising and lively — all the coordination and activity — but… its tiring thinking such thoughts. I’m too sluggish right now. Maybe after a few more days of rest… I’ll be able to get back to that kind of energy… ugh. 

What am I thinking of course the knock was from Casey, it can only be him now. I should have probable let him in. My thoughts are getting vicious. But… almost by instinct — I shut down. 

It’s kind of my response to everything actually. 

My phone pings for a notification. I awake and I pick it up immediately. 

I gasp with more force than I had ever exerted since my self-imposed exile; it was a notification from the org I joined — informing all members that the event we spent all summer preparing was happening in a few hours. This bit of news shocks me. I had forgotten all about it. All of the effort I had put into reaching out to local, yet still respectable public speakers for the conference. It was a conference with the goal of empowering differently-abled individuals. Did that make me a bad person if I chose to prioritise myself? Someone with an able body prioritising themselves over those less fortunate than I am?

I feel strange thinking about it. I had put so much effort. Effort — something that I had forgotten the feeling of. Urgh, it gets irritating thinking about it for too long. 

And I had already forgotten about what I was thinking about. That’s irritating too.

I push all the annoying out of my mind, trying to focus on something else. But then I guess I got so good at pushing things out of my mind that I even pushed my own consciousness out. 

I guess its a habit for me now.

I awoke again. I check my phone: it was only an hour away from the conference now. 

Hmm… I’m beginning to think that my part on that has already been finished, so it doesn’t bother me that much now… it still does but, … I just try not to think about it for too long. It’ll die down like all other thoughts eventually.

I mean I could… finally shower and wear something decent — it doesn’t have to be nice… but just, decent — I guess. And once I’d be finished, I’d go to the event. I mean, it’s only in our school auditorium… and my dorm is on school grounds, so it will only take me five?… Ten minutes? 

Walking though…

And not to mention, people will have been wondering where I’ve been. I don’t have a good reason. 

Wait, why am I acting like people will care where I’ve been? I mean, maybe some of my friends like Casey will or the people from my org like Jekka, but I’m sure they’ve been too busy with other — more important — affairs. 

I’m just making excuses… And I know it, but I’m not doing anything about it. 

Pathetic. I know.

It hit me that I was asleep again, and so I awoke with a startle. This time, I had fallen asleep for longer. It was probably around 10 P.M. My head was dizzy — most likely from dehydration. But I didn’t even have the will to stand up and drink water. 

I probably should do that right now… but something holds me back. I need to drink water; but one, I didn’t want to, and two, I just don’t feel the need to. My headache was getting worse, but I don’t remember if I had any medicine. Come to think of it, I had never bought any medicine my whole time in college. Was I never really that ill? Or has it just been my dormant laziness ever since? I couldn’t tell anymore. 

I look out the window, it’s a dark night. The temperature — I felt — had dropped significantly. Did I still have any clean hoodies? The air-conditioning was becoming too cold to handle. I needed to turn it off; but the remote was by the door and my bed had to be the furthest thing from it. 

UGH.

Look at me, I can’t even stand or walk to drink water, to raise the temperature, or even get a clean hoodie from my closet. But you can’t blame me! I was chained to this bed — my very comfortable, safe bed. At first I didn’t want to leave, but now I do… and now I can’t. I’ve degraded a lot. I’m physically weaker, mentally more fatigued than I was when I was still doing actual productive work, socially absent, and emotionally… numb — to the core. 

If Casey could read my mind right now, he would be slapping me so hard to get my act together and start doing something. I brought the pillow up my face to cover his nagging, as if he were here with me right now, reading my pathetic mind. I wish he really were though.

But… Allen. If he were here right now, he’d bury me in his chest with his tight hug. He always knew exactly how anyone felt. It was a gift of his I suppose. And I really needed that gift with me right now. I snuggled with my pillow now, thinking it was him. And now the tears came, I couldn’t think anymore. Why did I think again? I knew this was going to happen. This is what happens when I start thinking too long. 

First, some whimpers, then the sniffles, then the tears would run down my cheeks. And finally — the sob. I was sobbing now.

I tried to push it down, push it deep down; to the darkness, somewhere down there — God knows where. Stop thinking. I needed to just make my mind go blank. 

I tried and tried, but it was too late, my memories had flooded my brain. Warm, fuzzy ones — they calmed me down… for awhile. But then the realisation would hit that I would never have those same feelings again. I let out a sigh, my tears had formed a small puddle on my pillow so I turned it and tried to go back to sleep. Even though my body didn’t want to. 

Sleep is nice because I don’t think. But I do feel sorry for forcing my body to go to sleep, however my mind is too heavy for it to resist. My phone rings, but I don’t mind right now. I let the default ringtone be my lullaby.

I awoke again. The headache was gone, but another part of my body was asking for my attention. This time it was stomach. I then realised that I hadn’t eaten a full meal all day, nor yesterday, nor the day before that, and most likely more previous days that I’ve lost track of. I had lived off the biscuits I kept in the drawers of my nightstand, so I’m pretty sure the nutritional value of cookies and crackers wouldn’t sit well with my body. 

I pick up my phone to see who called me before I passed out. The light from my phone blinds me, it was 2 A.M. now. I had several missed calls, many unread messages, and many more notifications concerning the conference I had missed. My partner for the conference Jekka, had sent me a link for a video of the speaker I had personally invited. The talk was about empathising with disabled closeted kids. I knew I wanted the speaker to come exactly for this reason. It was a topic that was very near my heart. I felt sad that I missed it but I didn’t want to dwell on more gloomy thoughts… again. 

It almost seems like that I can’t get away from them no matter how hard I try.

The most recent call was from Casey. I thought it fitting that it was from him — how he still persists in trying to get to me, when all the others have given up.

I look around the room, the air-condition was still absurdly cold and running, the heaps of laundry that was piling on my poor hamper, my mini-fridge which contained a nice jug of water that would probably be good for my dehydrated body and parched throat. 

But I felt bad now, not for myself — but for Casey. Forget me, how was he? I had toughed this one out by myself, but I knew deep down that I should be with him. Was I that selfish to not even consider his feelings? Because we are most likely not going to get through this, unless it was together.

No, that’s it. I called him.

“Hello?” the voice was groggy, but not because he was sleeping. It was more like because he was still awake, I thought.

“Casey,” my voice too, was not in the best shape. I don’t even remember the last time I talked, let alone to another person.

He did not say anything for awhile. As did I.

“Do you… want to meet up somewhere?” my voice was weak, but I hope my intention was strong enough. It took him a few moments before he said anything.

“Why now?” I faltered at the reply. I really didn’t know the answer to that. He had called me multiple times before, but I never responded. The only answer I could give was that I was being a selfish jerk.

“Because I want to see you.. I… I’ve missed you. And I’ve probably been a selfish jerk to you… probably.” I did not hide anything. I didn’t need to feel embarrassment or shame with Casey. Because I only had him at this point.

I waited for a few more moments before I heard a sigh. “The 24 hour Ice Cream store in town. I’d like some ice cream right about now.”

“Ok, see you there.” And then suddenly I felt purpose. It was for Casey this time, not for me.

I left, having not done any of the things I had wanted to with the air-conditioning, water, or laundry.

We sat in the corner booth of the store. It was just the two of us at this hour. Neither of us had said anything, but it was about damn time that I started doing something first.

“Casey... I’m sorry.” The words had just come out, don’t think just speak.

“I know. I’m sorry too,” was his reply, but he did not look at me. I inspected him though, to see if he was in a situation anywhere near the horrid state I was. But he wasn’t. He looked well-fed and groomed; whereas I could be equal to a caveman. 

It was then that I realised that I was still wearing my god-knows-how-long days-old pyjamas. I’m pretty sure I had a smell on me… hopefully it isn’t bad. 

“I probably smell like shit.”

Casey let out a small giggle. And I felt so relieved just from that. 

He looked up at me and the face of guilt immediately came over his face. “God, you look like shit too.” 

This time I laughed, at least we were doing something good for our souls. “Yeah, it’s been a pretty rough time for me.” I looked down, I didn’t want to let him see how pathetic I was in my sorry state.

“It’s been a rough time for everyone, you and me especially,” he looked me straight at me as he was saying. I tried even harder to turn my gaze further away. 

“I should have at least texted, I know.”

“No, you should have fucking called.” He had anger in his voice, but it was the concerned, frustrated kind of anger. I felt bad again. My tears were coming.  

“Ben, I will always be here for you,” he continued. “But I wish you were there… for me at least.” My tears of shame, guilt — and even more sadness — are now out. 

“I know… and I was too selfish to not see that,” was my pathetic response to his extremely valid point.

“But… you look like you’ve been having it way worse though... Wanna talk about it?”

Goddamnit, why is he so selfless. 

“No I don’t, but we do,” I said so with certainty, I wanted to fix this. I wiped the tears from my face and he looked at me with a bit of surprise, but he gave me a small smile. “Well, look who’s getting his act together.” I chuckle, he’s too caring that he considers this “getting my act together” — far from it, I still think.

“To start, I’ve lost all will to do anything, including taking care of myself. But you already knew that.” I smiled, being a little flippant has always helped me make serious stuff more bearable. 

He smiles confidently now, knowing I’m not hiding how bad it is for me. “It was hard for me first, but… I had other friends with me.” That last note was a direct attack.

“I deserved that one.” I really did.

He placed his hand over mine. “No you don’t, because I should have knocked down your door and been by your side too,” he said sternly to me. I really did not deserve Casey as a friend. 

A fresh round of tears came down, I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed by how much he cared for me. How someone cared for me. I was being an absolute piece of shit — ditching everyone for my own selfish reasons, and not having the gall to even explain myself. That is how truly pathetic I am.

Casey scooted closer to say: “You better not be thinking you’re pathetic right now,” and slapped me. “You know Allen would be agreeing with me right now.” 

My face stung, but I was more concerned about him potentially reading my mind. I laughed at how stupid I probably looked.

“I never deserved both of you.” And that was the truth. 

“No, we deserved each other. I’m here for you Ben..” And he pulled me into a hug; the warmth that I missed so much — came rushing in. The pain started to come out, but it had to come out eventually. I buried myself in his chest and let out. 

Crying and crying, it wasn’t much but it was something — I had to let it go… let him go. That was all I needed to do now. It was a first step for me at least.