Meet the New Me

CW: References to sexual abuse

Janey Price, a shy thirty-year-old seamstress, lays aside an article she has just read. She ponders,“I’ve never heard of such a thing.Can it be true?” She rereads the quote from renowned psychologists C.Zweig and S.Wolf. “Beneath the social mask we wear every day, we have a hidden shadow side, an impulsive, wounded, sad, or isolated part that we generally try to ignore. The shadow can be a source of emotional richness and vitality, and acknowledging it can be a pathway to healing and an authentic life.”

Still perplexed, Janey thinks the quote itself sounds a bit like a riddle.What exactly is the shadow side?Later, she’ll investigate the subject further to see what other psychologists have to say about it.

Janey’s shop is attached to her home, which is located at the back of the business. It is small and unassuming, much like Janey herself. Her hair and makeup would remind one of the late fifties, but looks quite natural on her. Her face is reserved but pretty. Janey often says she has the figure of Olive Oyl, which isn’t true. She is rather slender, though. Of course, she makes all her own clothes, and they perfectly reflect her personality.

Despite her appearance, she has never had a boyfriend or lover. Now at thirty with a few streaks of grey appearing in her honey brown hair, she seems quite content with her lifestyle. Janey once confessed to her aunt that, being as shy as she is, she could never feel comfortable living with another person, what with all that invasiveness that’s involved.

When the little bell over the door tinkles, Janey springs up from her seat to greet her customer.. It’s Mrs. Graystone who is here to pick up the dress she ordered for her husband’s award ceremony this evening. The Rotary Club is honoring him with a service award for his impact on the community.Mrs. Graystone is bubbling with pride.

Janey retrieves the dress and lays it on the counter. It’s a simple yet elegant black chiffon with a sequined belt.Mrs. Graystone gushes. “Oh, Jane! It is absolutely perfect! I love it!”

Without making eye contact, Janey thanks Mrs. Graystone and suggests that she wear pearls with the gown, like in the picture displayed on the front of the package. Then, placing the dress and the sales receipt in a bag, she wishes Mrs. Graystone a lovely evening.

“Oh, I shall thanks to you, Jane!” Then whirls out the shop door.

As the last tinkle of the bell fades, Janey smiles. Another successful day has come to an end. She shuts off the lights, locks up the shop, and enters her home. She turns on the burner under the tea kettle and heats the oven for some leftover pot pie.Janey retires to her bedroom to change.Soon she hears the sound of the tea kettle whistling angrily, and rushes into the kitchen calling, “I’m coming! I’m coming!” After finishing her meal, she rinses the dishes and stacks them in the dish rack. In her parlor, she sits in the overstuffed wingback chair next to the replica of a Tiffany reading lamp and opens her laptop.With legs tucked beneath her, she types “How do psychologists explain the inner darkness in people?” She reads, “Many psychologists agree that in the psyche there are two inner worlds: the persona and the animal. One relates to the external world and the other to the internal world. The ego is primarily body-based and is executive to the personality. It stands alongside the shadow; the two represent our identity.The shadow is considered a source of evil. It is that hidden, repressed, inferior, guilt-laden part of our personas. Experiences such as physical/emotional/ sexual abuse may lead to inward withdrawal. All these things we bury deep in our minds so as not to think or deal with them, but they still form our lives. Facing them scares us into thinking we might be capable of murder.”

Janey slowly closes her computer and blows out her cheeks. It frightens her to think that there can be two sides of her, a positive and a negative. That the two sides work together like some mad scientist to take all of her experiences and mold them together to form the person that is her, without her even knowing!She looks at her hands and notices that they are trembling. “The only thing I’ve ever been is shy.” A childhood memory of her playing with other children at pre-school flashes by. Janey is amazed at how much fun she had learning her numbers and colors. Her school years were much the same until the third grade, when she was about nine or ten.Something changed, and Janey became more withdrawn, shunning friends. At the same time, she found a growing hatred for boys. When a girl asked if she would like to play house, Janey replied,” No!I hate boys. They are all pigs!” As her depression deepened, so did her dislike toward boys. One day, as Janey sat alone in the corner of the school yard, a boy noticed she was weeping. When he approached her and asked why she was crying, her rage erupted, and she attacked him with her fingernails, seriously scratching his face.

The school counselor asked Janey’s parents to come down to the school.After explaining in more detail what had occurred, he turns to Janey. “Did Willis do anything to frighten you or hurt you in any way? Did he threaten you?” Her eyes glued to the floor, Janey shakes her head no. The counselor continues, “Well, how are things at home? Are you happy or do you feel afraid?” Janey glances up at her mother and sees her worried look as she wrings her handkerchief into knots. Janey remains silent. Now her father speaks up. His face is pleasant and reassuring. “Dear, the man asks you a question. Go ahead and tell him the truth.” Janey notices the barely perceptible shaking of his hand. Swallowing the guilt, the shame, the sin, Janey answers, “N-No.”Her father rises from his seat.“Well, it seems to me that Janey is having an off day, and we may never know why. I will, of course, pay any medical expenses poor Willis may have, and Janey will definitely apologize. From now on, you will be a good girl, won’t you, Janey?”

…

Janey Price is pushing back hard against the wingback chair, wishing it would just suck her up. All these years, she has buried these bad memories, thinking they would disappear.

It all started when her mother began attending a Thursday night Bible study at the church. Janey’s father volunteered to put Janey to bed and watch over her so his wife could attend. He always insisted that he’d bath Janey first. She didn’t like it. Didn’t like how he would run his hands all around her. Touching her in places he shouldn’t. Then he’d put her in her pajamas and kiss her good night, leaving her to weep into her pillow. Some nights she would wish he would go away, just die. In the morning, she would get dressed for school and quietly eat her breakfast as if nothing had happened. Years later, when he did die, people at his funeral commented on how Janey never showed any remorse. How she never shed a single tear for her own father.

It’s little wonder Janey never liked men. She couldn’t stand the sight of them or the smell. She hated the way they would try to sweet-talk her.

Something strange came over Janey. A breakthrough. An awareness. A sense of relief, a freedom from guilt and shame. It was like the article said, “By acknowledging the shadow side, you may find a pathway to healing and an authentic life.”

All these years, her shadow side had been using and molding her experiences to shape her personality; now that side is released, and she can understand the why behind who she is.. Janey Price sits up straight and wipes the tears away. Her monster is gone; she can hold her head up at last. “Starting tomorrow, I’m going to look everybody I meet in the eye!I wonder what they’ll think when they meet the new me?”

The next day, Janey’s Seamstress Shop opens on time with a freshly baked plate of chocolate-chip cookies on the counter next to a big “Welcome” sign.Janey Prie has taken the first step on the pathway to healing.