Looking for What Once Was

"In the quiet solace of the night, memories of lost love mingled with the faint hope of new beginnings, painting her dreams with bittersweet hues of what once was."

 In the quiet solace of the night, memories of lost love mingled with the faint hope of new beginnings, painting her dreams with bittersweet hues of what once was. It had been twelve long years since she was held intimately in the arms of love. As she hugged herself, she thought of what used to be. Flashes of memories, remembering his loving touch, warm breath on her ears, her neck, and his voice—like that of a storyteller, she hung onto his every word. His scent of sweat, his muscular build. Twelve long years, her heart had endured the loss of her soulmate. On this night, she thought of the smile of someone else. But like many nights since her soulmate, the love of her life was lost, her night ended in loving memories and streaming tears. She lightly touched her tears, covered her face with the palms of her hands, and mumbled 'Christmas' and thought of him, missing him again. Though it had been twelve years, her heart ached the same as when the doctor told her, 'He didn't make it. I'm so sorry for your loss.'

This time of year melts her heart, for she looks not into the present but into the past. A baritone voice stops her in her tracks, filled with joy. She looks around, searching for her soulmate, who no longer exists. Her heart aches as she gazes at the young couple, the man laughing, reminding her of the love she once had. She finds herself looking, seeking. She tells herself to pull herself together and takes a deep breath. Her friend Molly comes up behind her as she is about to enter their office. Molly asks, 'Is everything alright?' She quietly says, 'I am good.'

As she views the bustling scene from her office window, it all seems like a picture—people moving to and from stores and restaurants. She zooms in on the travelers' colorful, outrageously decorated hats, coats, and boots. And for just one moment, she gives a genuine smile of happiness—not of the past but of the now. Snow flurries gracefully begin to fall softly. She notices a man wearing a blue coat with a bright red scarf. Suddenly, she holds her breath briefly, as if she'd been shocked. Her thoughts race, thinking it's him. Her head presses close, trying to get a better view, a closer glimpse, as the man waits at the corner for the traffic light to change. Her eyes stretch as he crosses the street. She is looking for her soulmate.

This time of year, when love seems most visible, she aches from this emotional journey, blending memories with the present and her attempts to cope with her ongoing ache of loss. But still, she presses against the window. Looking. Looking. Looking for her lost lover, never to be held.

Her friend Molly walks over to look out the window and is excited to see the snow flurries. She quickly looks at Molly and responds, 'Yes, it's beautiful.' But she is still looking. Her eyes no longer have the smile but are replaced by her deep sense of loss.

As she and her friend Molly are leaving work, Molly invites her to come over and help decorate the Christmas tree, eat a bunch of highly carb-infused snacks, play some wild Christmas music, and even sing along. She refuses, saying she's expecting her mom to visit.

On her way home, she drives, looking solemnly at the stores and neighborhood homes' Christmas decorations. And thought she should have accepted Molly's invitation. She sighs heavily.

On this night, she ended up on the street where she and her soulmate once lived. She had not been on that street since she moved, for it held too many memories, too many tears, and way too much pain.

But on this night, this street and the view of their old house warmed her and seemed to say, we've missed you. The big oak tree appeared to have stretched out its thick, long branches and bowed down as if she were a queen. She smiled and thought it was official; my mind played tricks on me. Whew, I am a goner! She agreed to herself.

As she continued to look out from her car windows, a few more neighbors began to turn on their outside Christmas lights.

She decided to walk to the corner where their old house was, just to peek at the ornament the new owners had placed on that tiny little brick shelf, on which she had never placed a Christmas ornament. To her surprise, the new owners had placed what looked to be a small seashell decorated with colorful rhinestones.

She smiled. And thought of the many giggles and jokes she and her soulmate said about that tiny little shelf space. Once, they thought of gluing and glittering five pennies to stick on the shelf. But they never did.

Lost in her thoughts, she recalled her soulmate finally using the tiny little brick shelf. When her soulmate asked her to marry him, he said that she needed to come outside to get her ring. The ring was taped onto the top of the tiny little brick shelf.

She could still hear their laughter, his baritone voice, her giggles, and snorting laughter. For their music of love boomed in everything they did.

As she walked back to her car, she looked back and was startled, for she thought it was her love.

The stranger's voice yelled, "It's just me, Mr. Bell, walking my dog," and shouted, "Have a Merry Christmas!"

As she entered the car, she sat for a few minutes, realizing she was looking for her love. She yelled, "I need you!", "Why aren't you here!" "Why did you have to leave me?" There are times I feel you're near.

She would look and see nothing.

She recalls when they were each other's hope and strength.

As she drove away from the love, promises, and dreams that were once made, she was mentally a mess.

Remembering how the Christmas Holiday was their happiest month, she said, "I called you Mr. Christmas. You were my spirit of the season!"

She touched her heart and said, "Christmas, this time of year, when love seems most visible, I look for you." She aches from this emotional journey, blending memories with the present and her attempts to cope with her ongoing ache of loss.

She continues to look out the window. And into the crowds. Looking. Looking. Looking for her lost lover, who's never to be held.

That night, she dreamt of him again, of his laughter, his touch, and his presence that once filled her life with joy. In her dreams, he was alive, and they were together, dancing under the stars, their hearts beating as one. She knew that in her dreams, she would always find him, for in her dreams, they would never be apart.

She'll look to find him in her dreams forever. For there, she may see him. She'll always look to find him. For one day, he'll look upon her face as she smiles and say I was always looking at you."

The end.

Paula Whittington