You Can Never Actually Forget The Heart Ache

He had my heart… My trust… My faith… And my life. I thought he held me dearer than anything. Who knew an argument could tear us apart—I sure didn't. 

All my life, I never let anyone be so important to me. " Dependence is for the Damned," was what papa had always said. And I followed his advice in every piece of my existence for thirteen years. It was written in my mind and heart.

Hassan. Hassan was his name. The name of who rewrote my heart. I began to trust him and care for him, more than anyone in my life. And for the first time, I felt like I was not alone, and that life wasn't just a repetitive competition for superiority that came day and day again, till one day the competitor was no more. He colored my life with shades that I never thought would ever be a part of me.

The four years of my life I spent with him were the most memorable, gratifying, and enlightening of all. Though I thought that he had freed me from the monotonous life I was once imprisoned in by my father, his betrayal only convinced me that my papa was always right--Dependence is for the Damned.

He broke my heart. A feeling so painful, I don't believe I can ever forgive. To be destroyed by the friend who gave you a new life, no one should experience such a thing. I want to forget all about him, so I'm burning away the chapter of my life that I wrote with him. If I never see his face again, It'll be too soon.

But I guess life had other plans…

A friend of mine was throwing a party in Lahore's Pearl Continental—nothing big, just a few family members, some friends, and colleagues. The hall was exceptionally decorated. It was quite ornate, yet still prudent concerning the occasion. My friend, Dr. Adnan, had recently been promoted to Vice-Chancellor of his university.

 We had known each other for almost twenty years; since we were dorm-mates at MIT. He studied management, whereas I was taking engineering, but we got along swell and established an ever-lasting bond. Later on, he returned to Pakistan and got a job in a university as an assistant manager, whereas I continued my studies till I got a Ph.D. from MIT, and then, later on, got appointed by an American company. 

Though we were in different parts of the world, we stayed friends. Good friends. He'd come to meet me in America, I'd come to meet him in Pakistan.

 I had flown to Pakistan on an urgent, last-minute, flight to attend this party. And why not? It was the least I could do.

In the years of my life after Hassan, I met many nice people who helped me heal. Some I kept, some I left. But what I learned most from them was that friendship could stretch over any distance. So why couldn't Hassan's? But I always remember to keep this thought out of my head. In fact, whenever it pops up, I usually pinch myself really hard to pervert my attention towards something else. Because, as I've said before, I'd rather forget than forgive.

I enjoyed the party. It was fun. I had a nice dinner. The people were polite and lively. I met with Adnan, congratulated him, chatted, had a laugh, and met with his family. Then I met all the other guests. One by one, Adnan introduced me to all of them. They were very nice people indeed. Some of them, I would even go as far as to say, were one of the friendliest people I'd ever met. I had a nice conversation with all of them. We talked over tea and biscuits. It felt nice to let loose after a while.

" So I said, " You can keep your biscuits to yourself."," Mr. Hasham said as he completed a joke. Everybody laughed hysterically. Though it was the first time I had met him, I could understand he was quite the funny fellow. He had me laughing on all of his jokes, which if you knew me, would have left you stunned. Once I was even about to spill tea over myself because I could not control my laughter. " I think that's enough out of you for today," Mrs. Atif said. " I don't think my dress will be able to last through any more of your jokes." " I know what you mean," I replied as I took another sip of tea. The conversation was going smoothly until Adnan came with another colleague, I suppose. 

" Is everyone enjoying themselves?" Adnan questioned. " Great, Adnan. You should sit down and talk with us," Mrs.Atif answered. " I will," Adnan said, " But first I'd like to introduce you all to our newest professor, transferred from Bahawalpur…" 

"Bahawalpur… Bahawalpur…" the word rang in my head like a bell getting louder and heavier as it echoed. I didn't hear the rest because the echoing made me feel dizzy. I took another sip of the tea and pinched myself as hard as I could until the echoing stopped.

I took a deep breath and sipped my tea. Then the 'professor' stepped forward and said, " Hello, I'm Dr. Hassan Aqeel." 

Hassan Aqeel—No, that name.

 It was his. Is this him?

 I can't look at him. It took me too long to get better. I can't suffer through the same fiasco again.

 But how do I leave without making a scene? Tea! Yes! I'll say I'm going to get some tea.

 But as I was about to stand up, Mr. Hasham said, " Aman. Where are you going?" 

" Oh, I'm just getting some tea," I replied. 

" Oh, tea can wait. Why don't you introduce yourself to Mr. Hassan first," he answered.

 Then he shifted his attention to Hassan and said, " Hello. I'm Mr. Hasham Ali." Then he stood up and shook hands.

 Mrs. Atif followed his lead and also stood up. She said, " Hello, I'm Mrs. Atif. It's nice to meet you." Then she shook hands with him too.

 Now I was the only one who was left. It would have been rude to be stingy in meeting him, while everyone had stood up to greet him. So I had no choice. I had to face him. 

I stood up.

 "A new beginning," I thought.

 " I don't know him and he doesn't know me." 

As I raised my head and saw his face I could distinctly remember him. I glared at him. Telling him secretly through my eyes, " I don't want anything to do with you."

 Then his eyes changed as if he understood. I brought out my hand and said, " Hello. My name is Dr. Aman Farhat. It's--a pleasure--to meet--you."

 He looked bewildered. As if he had not expected this.

 I kept glaring him in the eyes, trying to convey my meaning through a nasty look. 

He should have known I would not have a nice reaction towards meeting him again. But I guess he did not expect me to deny his existence, and act as if I had met him for the first time. But he decided to play along anyway. " It's nice to meet you too, Mr. Aman." 

Now that this formality was over, I walked away saying, " I'm going to get my tea." The others might have expected me to return, so I did, but only when Hassan was gone. Once he was, I returned with a cup of tea and acted naturally; like nothing had happened.

I avoided Hassan for the rest of the night. Steering clear from him and deliberately planning my escapes. Because though I had decided to move on, I think he still hadn't let go. Maybe he wanted me to forgive him? That I could not do.

 He followed me through the hall and casually tried to start a conversation with me. But I was very careful to leave in a way that would not disturb or tip off the other party guests.

This little game of ours continued, till finally, he caught me at the salad bar.

 I was hungry, so I let down my guard for a minute, while I ate some salad. But he saw an opportunity and swiftly came.

 " Aman," he said calmly.

 " Yes, Mr. Hassan," I replied imperturbably.

 "Aman!" he said again, but this time his voice rang passionately. 

" Yes, Mr. Hassan," I replied, indifferent.

 He might have been determined to do whatever he wanted to do, but I was determined to keep my cool. I was not going to start the friend to friend emotional fair, so I kept eating my salad, acting like I did not even know he was there. 

" Aman! I know you remember me. I know that you know who I am. So can we just talk?" he said.

I looked at him making a dumb face and said, " I haven't the slightest idea of what you're saying, Mr. Hassan. Perhaps you're confusing me with somebody else?"

Hassan smiled and said in a mocking tone, " Now I know it's you. Only the Aman I know can play koi as good as this."

I answered, " Well… I'm not playing koi, so you can conclude that I'm not the Aman you think I am."

" Aman… I just wanna make up for what I did," Hassan said.

" For what? I bearly know you. How can we be in a fight?" I said.

Then, suddenly, the speakers on the walls announced, " Respected guests. The celebration will end at 3:00 am, so please empty the hall within twenty minutes.

" Well… It was nice meeting you Mr. Hassan, but I have to say my goodbyes and leave," I said.

" Aman! Please! At least forgive me before you leave," he said desperately.

" Hassan. I can't forgive you now and I don't think I will ever be able to. But I can forget. So I'd rather forget than forgive. But I can say this, you helped me turn over a new leaf. So thank you for that. But the time I spent with you is no longer a chapter in my life." 

And with that, I left him and went to say my goodbyes. I hugged everyone and told them I hoped to meet them again someday. 

The next day, I boarded the return flight I had booked in advance. As the plane lifted off and I got higher and higher in the air. I realized how great this vacation trip was for me. I finally got closure. My healing was finally complete. I had faced my greatest regret. Now I flew in the air, feeling lighter and stronger than ever.