How Are You Feeling Today?

You knew that something was off. It was the opposite of harmony. You were playing with your brother and sister just a few feet away when you felt the energy of their conversation. Your palms become sweaty, you start feeling hot, and you are taken out of the imaginative play that you were in with your siblings. Your siblings were too young to notice what was going on. You, however, were old enough to pay attention. Your dad started talking, and you saw your mom storm off before finishing his sentence. She doesn't say anything back, but your dad followed her anyway. Your mom's reaction stays with you as you get older. You start observing this several times, and you try to mimic it. You understand that this approach is an indirect way to act aggressively. In therapy, you discover that this behavior is called passive-aggressive. You perfect what it's like to communicate in this manner.

The behavior starts to unfold during your teenage years as you get to know who you are but often feel misunderstood. You purchase a thirty-dollar, long-sleeved peasant flowery blouse because you want to be seen in high school. You want to wear the brands that the popular kids were also wearing to feel accepted. When your mom sees your shirt for the first time, she compliments you, though she quickly backtracks after discovering the price tag and seeing how much money you spent on it. She yells "thirty dollars!" as if announcing it loudly would register just how expensive the shirt is and how much she disapproves of your spending. Storm out of the room. 

Your parents will fail to validate how you feel. You don't know what validation feels like, actually. Your therapist tells you that you seek validation in relationships whenever possible because you were deprived of it growing up. 

Your mom gets mad at you for being in a bad mood and tells you to smile. Feeling happy around others is a sign of respect. She reminds you of this several times, and while you try to change your feeling, you simply can't. Sometimes you are in a bad mood in social situations because you are reminded that everything is new, and the newness of everything makes you feel uncomfortable. You left the place you called home and now live in a new country after all. Slowly, your parents took you to parties to socialize with others, but you were homesick. You couldn’t fake a smile when people asked you about school or your hobbies. 

Convince yourself that your problems are insignificant. Your parents moved you from a third-world country to pursue the American Dream. They were the ones that dealt with real issues, not you. You didn't have to deal with poverty, hunger, lack of healthcare, education, broken infrastructure, resources, etc. Because of your so-called problems, you are exposed to a range of emotions: amusement, anger, anxiety, boredom, confusion, disgust, excitement, joy, nostalgia, relief, sadness, etc… but remember, they are insignificant. Suppress them. Keep suppressing throughout adulthood. 

When you become interested in a boy, hide it from your parents. Tell them that you hang out with your friends or coworkers instead of the boy. When they ask you how you are doing, answer with one-word responses. "Fine" or "Okay" is the default response. Follow the 90:10 rule. This is the simple formula for how you should communicate: which is to say it should be based on 90 percent text and 10 percent in person. You ask permission over text, so you don't have to see their facial expressions and limit talking to them overall. Texting allows you to think about what you want to say next, or it gives you the option not to say anything. You can even say, "I didn't get your text message." You convince yourself that this is an acceptable way to communicate. After all, this is how you dodge in-person confrontation and avoid conflict. You understand and appreciate that words in a text message hide a great deal of emotion. You become a pro at articulating the written word after the fact instead of vocally at the moment; this is partially why you ended up as a writer. You remember that lies come through while speaking because of guilt or intonation. You can apply this approach to other relationships. Apologize over text. Do not deal with the consequences of offending someone in person. You won't be able to handle their emotions. 

Once you get into a serious relationship with someone, tell him that you are an open book. Tell him what you read on the internet about relationships and that you long to be in a successful relationship where communication thrives. Slowly, your partner discovers that you can't actually talk about your feelings as you spend more years together. You storm out when he tries to finish a sentence during an argument. You apologize over text. You assume he knows how you feel and don't explicitly say it. You give the silent treatment and, depending on the severity of the argument, extend it for a longer period. When he spends a night out with his friends and texts you "halp" at three in the morning, then fails to remember this the next day, ignore his apologies. Do not tell him how mad you are for making you worry about him that you didn't sleep at all. Ensure that the silent treatment lasts longer than twenty-four hours at a bare minimum. 

You introduce him to your family–he'll realize where your communication issues stem from. After another passive-aggressive argument, he'll say things like, "You are just like your mom." This statement is often placed in a negative context since it means that you tried to avoid the dysfunctional parts of your childhood, yet you subconsciously manage to recreate them with him.

Slowly show your insides. This is called vulnerability. You learn from Brene Brown, a famous shame researcher, that vulnerability is "the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity." Talking about emotions makes you feel uncomfortable, and you do it to avoid shame, anxiety, and fear. Slowly realize that you have a communication problem, yet set it aside because everyone has their own baggage from their childhood. This is a part of what makes us human. Marry your partner because he accepts your baggage, and you accept his. This is also known as love. When you are triggered by his actions, practice asking yourself, "What is it that I'm feeling at this moment?" Then ask yourself, "What is it that I need?" You will fall back into your old communication patterns because trying to unlearn something that you have done for the majority of your life is hard to break. Try again and again. 

You come across an article that lists questions to ask each other before having kids. Read this question and contemplate the answer: What are some of the things—messages, behaviors, beliefs—you learned from your parents that you would like to keep, and what are some you'd like to change, do better, or do differently? You think about this question. Realize how much it hits you. You even write an essay about it. You start to show resentment towards your mom. She notices, yet both of you don't explicitly say what's on your mind. She softens her actions around you as a way to seek your forgiveness. You tell your husband stories of you growing up like they are folktales that come with a moral lesson, the type of lessons you don't want your kids to live through and learn. Eventually, it becomes clear what you want to model for them. You do research by reading parenting books about shame and communication. 

You forgive your parents for their shortcomings because you understand that they have well-meaning intentions but no clear direction on what it means to raise you. Tell them how much it affected you, though not directly. You can't do that quite yet, but you can approach it subtly. Bring up a memory from your childhood when your kids' actions remind them of something you used to do as a child. Say how you truly felt at that moment because opening yourself up gives you freedom. They, too, begin to grasp their shortcomings, and because of your openness, you invite them to tell you how they felt. You have a deeper understanding of what they went through and how hard it was for them because you, too, are a parent now, and you empathize tremendously. Practice telling them how you feel as it happens, "I felt anxious at the family gathering because I haven't seen these people in years." "I was disappointed about the joke you made." Acknowledging your feelings in real-time becomes empowering. Realize that this straightforward style of communication does wonders to dispel the resentment, anger, and alienation that you felt all along. You understand the circumstances and limitations they labored under. They, too, were trying their best to parent their four children. They didn't have access to the tools in therapy that you have learned now. You have a much better understanding of child development and psychology than they ever did. You have access to experts and sound advice in a way they didn't.

Commit to raising a child that doesn't rely on passive-aggressive behavior and can communicate. Say things like I feel amused, angry, anxious, bored, confused, disgusted, excited, interested, joyful, nostalgic, relieved, sad, etc. when you feel it at the moment. Do not suppress your feelings. Validate your partner's feelings. Ask him to do the same. When your child starts crying after asking for a snack and you say no because she didn't eat her dinner, you ask, "are you upset because you wanted a snack, and I said no?" You reinforce what you want to teach her but always acknowledge her feelings. Put a giant blue poster board up in your children's bedroom that asks, "How Are You Feeling Today?" This includes fun illustrations of thirty feelings faces. The poster becomes a metaphor for what you'd like to do differently from your parents. When your son cries, you point to the face that shows his emotion. When your daughter tells you that she is feeling frustrated while having a tantrum, maintain a cool, calm, and collected look yet jump for joy and be proud of her on the inside.