YOU MUST GET BACK UP!

I should begin by telling you that I am the most unlikely person on earth to have this story to tell. I am female, late middle age, married forever, a mother, blah blah blah, just suffice to say, I wish I had a skeleton in my closet, I wish I had a box of hidden love letters, I wish? I wish I had had a nugget that was all mine, mine alone to savor. Obviously I didn’t!

My life was never unhappy, it was just a life, like a train on the tracks of life, going one place over and over again. Home, family, friends, the sameness would bore a sloth. Until the day I found a group to play Scrabble with on the computer, it was a good mental exercise and I found myself looking forward to chatting with several of the players as we played each evening.  

An older gentleman and I were especially well matched in our skills and our games were very enjoyable. Chatting along finding out personal facts about our lives, how we were the same, reliable, predictable, bored with our lives and what our dreams would be if we could even remember how to dream.

And so it began, in addition to the scrabble game, we would play a side game in the chat window dreaming up trips to take, what we would see, places we both knew would never happen in reality. The relationship became very addictive, I could hardly wait for evening to find him again in the chat window.  

Our last imagined trip was a cruise, walking the deck, dressing for dinner, really nice stuff, but on this night, we became more than friends, and the next night and the one following that….I was drowning in my newly awakened passion. I could think of little else! On our final night together it was so amazing, half a country apart, just words on a screen, just suggestions and gentle directions, the memory so strong even here now, I have trouble writing. I flew so high that night, I was so confused, how could I be feeling these things I had never felt before in my married life. It was so very emotionally amazing. I sat crying, my fingers poised above the keys and then I crashed! Realization of what I was doing! Shocked at my own stupidity! I quickly blocked him, like he was evil, I logged out and turned off the computer, as though the computer was somehow to blame. I was trembling! I was crying! My husband was just a short distance away in our family room watching TV, what had I just done?

That night began a time of severe depression, I was guilt ridden, disappointed in myself and thoroughly confused, how a long married life, a good life had never given me what I had just experienced. I stopped all computer connections except family. I totally submerged in a morass of guilt and shame. I could not eat, I could not sleep. I was in fact a mess!

Other friends, in real life and on the computer began to notice my absence but I could not tell anyone of my guilt and shame. Contact with everyone became less and less. Until one afternoon, Marcus, a fellow who had been a friend through a hobby group on the computer, asked what was wrong. I responded, “I am rotten company just now, so goodbye until later!” He said, “Hold on there a second, you sound totally distressed, maybe it will help to talk about it?” I could not speak of it out loud or even write it so I shut him and more people out of my life. I spent my time sleeping and crying. I cannot begin to impress upon you my guilt, it was destroying me! I felt I needed to be rescued, but how?  

A few days later a long email arrived from Marcus. He spoke mostly of himself and his battle with PTSD, relating his depression, horrible nightmares and occasional thoughts of ending his own life. He was trying to explain that you can’t hide from depression, you must find a way to beat it! His closing line was, “Everyone has fallen, at least once, but you must get back up, it’s what you do after you get up that matters, what happened before cannot be changed, but you must take charge, stand up and move ahead in a way you would like your life to be today and tomorrow!”   

My response to him, “I thank you, truly and from my heart, but I could never speak of this out loud!”   

He answered, “I live across the pond, we will never meet, you will never have to look into my eyes or I into yours, what better person to tell!” “I am really here in friendship, please think about how you will feel when your burden is gone!”

It made total sense but still, he was a relative stranger, he might try to pressure me for money in exchange for his silence or as a horrible mean spirited joke tell it to mutual friends. I could not take that risk.   

We did send daily emails but he never again tried to get me to tell my secret. His was a good friendship for both of us. His message was always one of going forward in a positive way.  

About a month later I finally told him what happened. I had not meant to tell it but it just felt right. We had built a trust, mostly his telling me his traumatic experiences in the war and how years of working with counselors had finally gotten him some peace of mind. I told him the whole thing. The hardest part was describing the feelings I had that night, how shaken I was, how much I loved the experience for the brief time I was flying high before my mind reminded me how sick it was, how much guilt it carried, how disgusted I was with myself.  

Again he reminded me, “We all have fallen! We are all human! You must get up! Move forward, don’t let that one thing define you!” On this night, I cried again, but it was the enormous relief, the release of my pent up anger with myself. He asked me if I was still playing scrabble. And of course that was a NO! I told him most of my recent habits and friendships had stopped, I was in a place where most things frightened me!

Marcus turned into a life long friend. He was over the pond so our emails were full of questions about his country and the things he did, his struggle with his PTSD, and his fear he could never be really well again. It was a friendship rich in so many unexpected things. Genuine innocent caring for one another.  

Another year of emails passed and during this time we discussed how much my interest in his country had grown. What a total surprise when he offered to host my husband and myself for a visit. He would be our tour guide and show us the best parts that many tourists never see. My husband laughed at the offer but discussed the possibility of going. I was getting excited and wanted to set a date. It was then my husband admitted he thought it was all just talk. He would never fly for 8 hours and spend that kind of money to meet some stranger in a strange land! I begged him to at least think about it before I declined the invitation. He said, “The subject is closed!” “It was an idiotic idea from the beginning!” I was becoming more and more upset as I really wanted to go. I tried again to speak with my husband and finally he YELLED, “I FORBID IT!” I was incredulous! You don’t forbid a grown person, I was not a child. I went to the computer and changed the ticket from two persons to one person...business class...and I pushed the Purchase button!!! Oh my God, I did it!   

I knew I had to tell him, so I went immediately and told my husband that I had bought a round trip ticket for one to England! He was furious! More than furious! Much more than furious! Silence was the thing I had to deal with now, his silence and the icy looks. He was livid!  

And so it was that I travelled solo across the pond to see a Facebook friend. Marcus and a friend met me at the airport and I spent the next two weeks mostly with Marcus, traveling about, visiting others from our hobby group, seeing the sights and enjoying it totally.  

That was nine years ago. Those two weeks were the best of my entire life..in truth!  

Each day I posted my travel journal for friends and family to see, photos of everyone I met there and the things we did. It was an adventure!

Marcus and I are still best of friends, I help him now more than he helps me, the PTSD, will not leave him. I came home to silence but it did not cost me my marriage. Maybe I came home to new respect. My family and husband could see the joy in my retelling of the adventure….there was nothing to mar the memories. And life went on!