My ultimate goal was to obtain a masters degree in mathematics

Before I narrate my story, I would like to talk about mom. She was the worst mother on earth. She was so evil. She used to find her happiness in hurting me. Unlike other mothers, she never defended me. In fact, she was the exact opposite. She used to blame me when I was not at fault. She was a monster mother.

My bad luck didn’t end there. My mom was obsessed with my academic performance. She tormented me each and every minute from my 11th grade. Every single day, she used to ask me why my grades were low. Regardless of my answer, she used to torture me. She never believed me when I told that I couldn’t finish the syllabus on time. There was no winning with her. She couldn’t tolerate the idea that her daughter couldn’t get good grades. She would rather have me dead (like in a honour killing) than accept me for who I was.

She never stopped torturing me. I will describe a typical day with her. She used to come from work and ring the bell. I used to open the door. Within 5 minutes, she would give me an ugly face expression.

I knew that she would soon shout at me. I used to be prepared. Then she would suddenly shout at me for either of the following three reasons:

1) Her colleagues told her stories about their children and she was jealous

2) she compared me to another child and my grades were bad

or

3) she used to scream the same old question, “Why are your grades low”.

There was no escape from her torture. No child should have to live like this. I was getting traumatised because of the constant yelling.

Imagine living with such a hostile mother.

One day, she didn’t find money in my wallet. She immediately assumed that I spent the money on watching a movie. She didn’t believe me when I told that I bought two ice creams with it. She then went to the store to verify the cost of ice creams. A normal mother trusts her daughter. With my mother, there was no peace of mind even when you don’t do anything wrong. There was absolutely no winning with her. What could I do when she doesn’t even trust me. You can imagine how taunting she was.

She was an extremely selfish person. She loved my step father and expected me to love him. She didn’t believe me when I told her that he touched me inappropriately. She believed only what she wanted to believe. She was delusional. She was instead angry with me for hating him. One day, he called me “ugly”. She joined him in bulling me. A normal mother will slap her husband if he calls her child “ugly”. I shouted at him. She hated me for shouting at him. She began torturing me. She screamed at me for half an hour. She didn’t sleep the entire night. She kept waking me up and yelling at me. In the morning, as soon as I opened my eyes, she slapped me. She called me a poisonous insect. She demanded what right I had to hurt a pristine man like him. She couldn’t control herself at all. She tortured me all morning.

After 4 years, she got to know that he had been cheating on her for the entire 4 years. She cried for a month. However, she never apologised to me for her behaviour. She was a monster mom.

How do you think I turned out? All I wanted was peace of mind for 5 minutes in a day. She created constant chaos. Everyday, she used to find something or the other to torture me. She used to not even let me use the bathroom in peace. She used to scream outside the bathroom. She dedicated her entire life to watching me and yelling at me. She could never never accept me for who I was.

I studied non stop. I sacrificed all my happiness. She used to not even let me have friends. She used to be jealous of them. She used to control my life that much. Of course, I wasn’t allowed to watch TV or play.

She was so horrible. The only thing I could do other than studies is talk. When I try to make a nice mother and daughter conversation with her, she used to belittle me by somehow connecting whatever I say to my ‘bad’ grades. Technically, I wasn’t even allowed to talk.

So, I used to try to find my happiness in studies. I used to study all the time. I used to study till midnight and wake up at 4 am everyday to study. I was nothing but a terrified lab rat. A child should have to go through what I went through.

My only ambition was to excel academically. I had constant racing thoughts about mom. It was so hard to focus. I used to study multiple times to be able to focus. I somehow made it till my masters degree in applied mathematics with a 3.9 cgpa. I hardly talked to anybody. I used to be rude with some people because my mom used to be rude with me. I used to talk to others only when I needed them. For example: Homework help. Otherwise, I hardly talked to people.

Despite all the ambition, I used to only be able to answer 70% of the questions in exams, on average. I used to never be able to finish the full syllabus. This constantly upset mom and she constantly shouted at me. There was no escape from her torture. I tried my best. Instead of appreciating me, she constantly criticised me. A normal mother will appreciate her child if her child worked hard like me. Instead, I constantly had to hear how other children were better than me. She was never satisfied with me. She always found qualities in other children that she could compare me with and then criticise. There was no pleasing her.

In the mean time I was studying so hard and every breath I took was for my grades. The day before my final exam (during my masters), I worried if I would pass the exam. It was my only ambition since the past 24 years. I had a to study a third of the syllabus. Luckily, the last third of the syllabus was very similar to the first third. I finished my syllabus right on time. I was studying non stop till the exam began. I aced the exam and got an A grade. I got my dream 3.9 cgpa. I was supposed to feel accomplished. However, success felt empty. It didn’t feel worth it. I didn’t have to have so many sleepless nights for this.