Letter between Selves

Dear Future Self,

‘Previous-self’ speaking here and I just wanted to say I’m sort of sorry. No, I mean I’m really sorry. I know I haven’t treated you well and now you are dealing with the aftermath of those choices. For what it’s worth though, it was fun. I had an absolute blast partying with my friends in high school, college, drinking into the early hours of the morning and feeling invincible. I thought we couldn’t be hurt; nothing bad could happen to us. I know you were being mistreated, but please understand I felt so alive and free. We would drive around in fast cars while using our bodies with stimulants, sugar, fast food, alcohol, and whatever else we could grab our little grubby hands on.  

I would barely sleep to cram in last minute studying for an exam the next day. I would drink a bunch of caffeine and bounce back after another 'all-nighter' to do it all over again like it was no big deal. I would try drugs, pills, sex with strangers, anything and everything to just feel; to just feel anything in general really. I know you don’t understand. I know you don’t get it. You always think of future consequences and the “long-term plan” and “long-term solution” and never have any real fun.

Now I hate to think you are paying the consequences of my selfish actions, really I do, but I don’t feel guilty for embracing life to the fullest. I know you feel that I am selfish and greedy with impulsive desires and actions that I carry out without even considering you or your feelings. But to be honest I do care. I would think about you ‘future-self’ from time to time.

“Like what am I doing to myself?”

“Am I hurting my body or killing myself?”

“Am I limiting my life?”

Honestly, you were more like a passing glance, a stubborn, annoying little insect that wouldn't go away.

You wouldn’t ever let me truly enjoy my fun freely.

You were always in the back of my mind waving your finger at me telling me to be a good little girl.

Well future self, I wanted to feel alive or at least a slight resemblance to happiness or joy but you think it was all superficial and a waste of our days. You would rather sit in a boring room with a book living out your long miserable life with lots of wrinkles and weak bones to do anything with. I don’t know how you expect us to be happy with a life like that ‘future-self’.

All the Best,

Previous-Self

Dear Past-Self,

You are right; I do think you are selfish, greedy and impulsive without considering me or my feelings. If you did, you would then NOT do those actions and abuse us with toxins, poisons, fast food, drugs, and alcohol. Did you ever think that maybe I am not feeling as well as I could be right now because of all of your choices and actions? Do you ever take accountability for what you do or am I supposed to be the only responsible, accountable one?

You see because of you and your choices, I am now 25 years later dealing with stomach ulcers, fatty liver disease, and obesity. Not to mention I am also pre-diabetic, have to have a root canal in a few weeks, and I am at my heaviest and have never weighed this much before. I barely have any friends because they all settled down from the party scene and started having families of their own with kids while you just wanted to continue partying.

Now I cannot party at all and have to take extra measures taking care of our health.

And to make matters worse, all those great memories you’ve had, haunt me now because my life currently feels like it never measures up. I used to love reading a book by myself in a quiet room at home or just watching a movie but now I need more stimulation for happiness it seems. I look at the long-term plan because what you do now will of course affect you in the future; what comes up must come down you know.

Do you remember when you did that 'all-nighter' before an exam and you drank a whole pot full of coffee?

-Well that tore a small cut in the lining of your stomach which eventually led to the stomach ulcers we now have that we are currently dealing with. You no longer can have coffee or any other caffeine or acidic items like oranges or lemonade.

Or do you remember when your friends dared you to do the cinnamon challenge and you were coughing up cinnamon for weeks? It became disgusting and I used to love cinnamon and now we can't enjoy it.

I remember when you got so messed up you were sick all night; unfortunately, I remember several nights like this.

Maybe you couldn’t enjoy yourself fully because you felt a morsel of guilt each time you partied and abused your body; maybe it had nothing to do with me. Did you ever think of that? I bet deep down you know you were doing something wrong because it will inevitably affect me, your future self, who is also you.

Do you remember when you were driving too fast and almost hit someone crossing the street? Or when your friend almost toppled the car over taking a turn too fast? Or when you impulsively got that tattoo you now hate or quit that job you disliked right before they gave everyone huge raises and changed management? You act too quickly and give up too easily. If you would only hang on a little longer to see what the eventual outcome may be, you would learn a little patience ‘past-self’ and see how all good things come with time.

This one makes me so embarrassed I don’t even like thinking about it or bringing it up to be honest Past-Self! Do you remember when you drank so much you were so drunk at our friend’s condo that you accidentally slipped in their bathroom and hit the toilet reservoir so hard you managed to somehow break it, causing water to come out everywhere and leaking to the second floor with everyone from then on knowing you broke the toilet?

-I think this one speaks for itself.

You don’t think about how I will remember these events or what you do. You act so careless and immaturely. I wish you would grow up. I wish you would see things my way. You blame me for not being understanding but I get you; you just want to have fun and have a good time in the moment. You don’t think about tomorrow or next year. Think about how powerful we could be if we did think about the future and had your ambition?

I know you can be quite entertaining, fun and heck, you can even be the life of the party when you aren’t thinking of me but we really need to work together or something because we can’t keep going like this. I think we need to strike a truce; a balance.

I can’t live life without a little risk or fun and you can’t live without taking care of yourself with some safety or precautions. So, how about we try to communicate in a civil way and check in more with each other moving forward?

Dear Future-Self,

You know I don’t like being called ‘Past-Self’ because ‘Previous-Self’ is not only my true name but also more distinguished sounding. I will consider what you said at the end of your rant and will be more civil and attempt to check in more. That is all…       Good idea.

-Previous-Self

Dear Previous-Self,

Thank you.

-Future-Self