Death Isn't Wicked, It's Beautiful

There’s this new kid at school, I think they started last week. they’re absolutely stunning. I really can’t describe the way they look but picture this, a warm feeling rushes over you when you see them everything they do seems perfect and they have a truly inviting present. But yet I haven’t seen them talk to a single person, it’s like to everyone but me they look like a monster. I see them often but trying to actually talk to them is impossible, I either get swept away by a crowd of people, or they practically disappear the moment I get close. They’re not actually in any of my classes so I never see them then, I just feel this overwhelming sense that I need to be around them. It’s not in a romantic way, definitely not but they just seem like someone I need in my life, you know what I’m saying?

I saw them again today, they were walking down the hallway during class, but something felt off, as they walked the sea of people in the hallway parted to let them through, and the people looked at them with disgust like they would die if they got anywhere near them. Without a second thought, I started to chase after them through the sea of people, this was my chance. Before I got close enough someone grabbed me by the collar of my shirt pulling me to the side.

“What are you doing?” a girl hissed at me, as all of her friends surrounded me.

“What are you talking about?” I ask confused.

“Why were you running after that weirdo?” the girl continues to hiss.

“I just wanted to talk to them,” I shrugged my shoulders.

“Don’t, there’s something wrong with that kid, I always feel so uneasy when they’re around,” the girl retorts giving me a weird look. An uneasy feeling? What are they talking about, I’ve never felt anything like what they’re describing when they’re around, in fact, I feel drawn to them.

“Look, you might feel that way but not me, I know you won’t understand but I need to talk to them,” I state firmly, gesturing to where the mysterious person was only a second ago.

“Fine do whatever you want, it’s your funeral,” the girl uttered as she and her gang walked away. great now I’ve lost them again.

I didn’t see them today, but everyone seemed a lot more relaxed at school, the teacher wasn’t yelling, there were no fights and no one, and I mean no one was running in the halls. It was weird like everyone was in on this big secret except me.

The kids are back at school, but no one really cares about them right now, it turns out a girl from our school died yesterday, she killed herself. Everyone’s upset and we don’t end up doing any work in class. we set up a memorial by her locker, there are flowers and cards everywhere. I wish I knew what happened.

I finally caught up with the new kid today, they seemed shocked that I wanted to talk to them, and I felt a little bad. They didn’t really say much but they told me their name was Azazel which I thought was cool. They told me that they weren’t used to people talking to them, and it was normally a bad sign when they did. I still have no idea what they were talking about, because why wouldn’t people want to talk to them when they have such an inviting presence?

I saw someone talking to Azazel today, they seemed really upset, I tried to ask about it but Azazel told me to leave and that they would talk to me later. Later on, I saw the boy that was talking to Azazel in the nurse’s office as I walked past, his wrists were covered in cuts and he was still crying, poor dude. Azazel didn’t end up talking to me but I get it, they were probably worried about the boy.

The boy wasn’t at school today and neither was Azazel I really hope the boys are alright.

Azazel is back but the boy’s in the hospital, he tried to kill himself. Azazel seemed exhausted they didn’t talk to me today either, but to be honest they didn’t really look sad, just numb and tired. I’m going to reach out to them tomorrow they shouldn’t suffer alone.

Azazel told me to leave them alone, they seemed really angry at me, but I was worried so I tried to talk more. he yelled at me telling me that he was sick of this bloody school and wanted to go home, that he was done with people like me and he couldn’t do it anymore. I asked him to elaborate, but he refused, marching away my heart begged me to follow but I decided to give them some space.

I saw Azazel walking along my street today, so I went to check it out. The shock and fear on their face when they saw me was devastating.

“you live here,” they asked pointing to my house.

“yeah,” I mutter inching closer, I had this overwhelming sense that I needed to be right next to them.

“Oh,” they sighed dropping their head “Say how would you describe the way I look?” he asked looking closely into my eyes.

“Why do you ask?”

“Answer the question,” he almost shouts.

“Well I don’t really know, you’re really good-looking I guess, You’re definitely not ugly that’s for sure. You’re a really nice person to be around Azazel don’t worry about how you look,” I say with the intention to comfort him, but he just looks even more upset.

“I’ll see you next week,”

Azazel hasn’t talked to me all week I feel like crap, no one talking to me since I hang out with Azazel, and my grades are dropping a lot. I’m always getting in trouble for no real reason, and Dad’s been called out overseas for work, I’m completely alone.

I’m so done right now, all week I’ve felt nothing but suicidal, I thought it was just a normal relapse at first, but this time, it feels real. I marched up to the roof of the building, I know I won’t jump I’m a wimp it’ll just scare some sense into me.

It doesn’t. As I inch closer to the edge of the roof I feel nothing but calm.

“Billy,” I hear a voice behind me, I turn to see Azazel standing there, looking more radiant than ever.

“Azazel, what are you doing here?” I hiss, of course they turn up now.

“Billy stop,” they beg edging closer to me.

“Why are you here!” I yell again.

“Do you know what Azazel means?” they ask carefully.

“Why would I care,” I say inching closer to the edge, they are not going to stop me.

“It means angel of death,” they mutter.

“What?”

“That’s why I’m here Billy, I’m here to help you die,” Azazel starts to cry “But you don’t have to you can just come over here.”

“no, you’re lying,” I hiss.

“Why do you think that you and that other boy are the only ones that talk to me?” they ask.

“I don’t know, because you radiate an inviting energy,”

“Wrong it’s because, you’re desperate to die, it’s something you’ve been waiting for, for a long time, even if you didn’t know it. You and that poor boy see me as this inviting person full of warmth and safety, whereas everyone else sees me as this scary thing, patiently waiting on their downfall. Death is one of humanity’s greatest fears.” he explains “I’ve been trying to push you both away so you stop liking me, If you stop liking me you’ll stop liking the idea of death, I couldn’t save that girl and I nearly lost that little boy, please don’t let me loos you too.” they beg.

“I’m sorry Azazel but I can’t stay here, if what you say is true I’ve been waiting for this for a long time,”

I can hear him whispering something as I step up to the edge “Don’t try to save me,” I lean forward, the wind rushing through my hair. The pain is horrid, but it doesn’t last long, I can hear Azazel speaking.

“I’m so sorry I couldn’t protect you, please find a way to be happy in your next life, I don’t want to see you again,”

~c’est fini~