The One on 57th Street? No, the Other One

The One on 57th Street? No, the Other One

-silence-

“Hey, it’s me. Wait! Don’t hang up.”

“You again?! Are you kidding me? You’re really calling me after I told you the last time, I never want to hear from you again? I guess throwing your stuff out the window wasn’t clear enough for you.”

“Yeah, that was definitely clear. But can you just listen for once? Please don’t hang up again. This is totally not like the last time and you’re the only one who can help me. Come on, you know that. If I could call anyone else in the world, I would."

“I certainly do know that and that’s why I’m hanging up now.”

-silence-

“So, I’m going to hate myself for asking; what exactly did you do to yourself this time?”

“Really, it wasn’t my fault. It was a truck. You know, one of those big semi ones. I tried, but there was no way to avoid it.”

“Jeez dude, you’re such a mess. Why is it always something like that with you? Not that I'm counting, but isn’t this like the fourth time?”

“Actually, it's the fifth, but only if you're counting the infected appendix thing.”

“I'm not counting that one. I figured that’s on me since I liked you back then. But that was before I went from liking you to just feeling bad for you. That’s not the basis of a healthy relationship, is it? But hey, that was in the past and now...let's just say that I’m going to hang up on you now.”

-silence-

“OK, I know. I know. After the last one, I promised myself that I’d never call you again. I really did."

“But yet, here you are bothering me once again. If I’m remembering correctly, the last time you called me it was because you ate a bunch of poison mushrooms with your camping buddies in upstate. There wasn’t one of you idiots who had the sense to call 911. Not one of your shining moments."

“Hahaha, well you're right about that. You always did have a talent for remembering my screw ups. That was totally an honest mistake. But thinking back about the whole thing now, it was a pretty funny situation."

-silence-

"I guess until it wasn’t.”

“Yeah, until they came to lift your body off the mud.”

“Yeah. That part wasn't good."

–silence–

“Listen, let me try to get this through your head one last time. Just because we used to date, it doesn’t give you the right to call me every time you need something. Even if I’m the only one that could do it. Got it? I think I’ve done more than my fair share of favors for you. Wouldn’t you agree?”

“Of course, and I’m always so grateful to have you in my life.”

“I’m not in your life!”

“Anyway, how’s our dog doing?”

“Wings is not our dog; she is my dog. She’s good now and has mellowed out a bit since you left. She’s quit chewing up my shoes and the sofa cushions.”

“I really loved that mutt. You know, now that I’m hearing your voice, it reminds me of how great we used to be together. Don’t you think we had real connection? You know, something special?”

–silence-

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. I know that you're still sensitive about how the whole breakup went down. That wasn’t one of my shining moments either.”

“Sensitive! Is that what you call treating me like dirt? You ghosted me after I busted my ass to help you. Of course that was after you told me how much you really liked me. Oh yeah, after you told me that we were now 'a thing'. We were already doing our posts together. Sensitive? Yeah, I’d say that sensitive is a good word. Maybe asshole is a better word. You are such a narcissist. I’m not sure why I’m still talking to you. There must be something wrong with me.”

-silence-

“The only thing wrong with you is that you’re perfect. That’s a lot for someone like me to understand.”

“Please save your usual crap. This was never about me and you know it. This was always about you and the fact that you couldn’t accept what I really am. That was the problem."

“Ok, but that’s not totally fair. In a way, a lot of what happened to us was really your fault too. You were hiding things from me all along. I don’t recall your dating profile ever mentioning anything about you being a perfect angel. All that I remember were those hot pics and that gorgeous smile of yours. Also, that you liked Thai food and were looking for a guy who likes to be active. Who’s more active than me?”

-silence-

“Yeah, that was another problem. You were too active.”

“So, you want to bring that up again?”

-silence-

“No, I’m over it. We’ve been through this like a million times already and I don’t want to do it again. Besides, as you may know, I do have something of a life now. I’ve got some new friends; ones who you’ve never slept with. I’ve even started dating again. It took a while, but I’m doing pretty well without you in my life. So, pardon me if I’m not in any mood to hear any more of your bullshit tonight.”

–silence–

-silence-

“So, are you going to help me or not?”

-silence-

-sigh-

“Fine. So where are you this time?”

“The morgue again.”

“The one on 57th Street?"

“No, the other one. The nice one on 7th Avenue.”

“Yeah, don’t worry. I’ll find it but I have some delivery coming soon. I’ll think about getting you after I eat. But I’m telling you right now, this is the last time. Are we clear?"

“Absolutely! And thanks. I mean it."

“And listen, I’ll do the whole resurrection-of-the-dead thing again, but this time, you’ll have to take care of your own paperwork. I can't deal with that tonight."

“Thanks. You are such an angel.”

“Hell yeah, I am!”

-silence-

‘Tell you what though. If you want to come over and hang after, I’ll save some of my pad Thai for you.”