What She Wished She Were

Sparrow walked along the flowers leading to her small house on the edge of Boise Drive. The weather was misty and cool, which fogged up her big, round glasses. “Why do they do that?” Sparrow thought. “I have done nothing to them.” The day before, Sparrow had begged her mom to let her go to the park for a teen gathering that the park district was setting up.

Sparrow roamed to her house and glided into her bedroom to sift through her drawers to find something to wear. She picked out a new pair of blue jeans and a plain red T-shirt. She was hesitant, because what did she know about the fashion trends? She didn’t go to school. She only really left the house to go to Walmart for the necessities. She had seen the other teenagers in the area as they biked to school or took their dogs for a walk. They wore Nike shorts with long sleeved shirts, which definitely weren’t Sparrow’s style. She was a casual girl, and she was always herself. She saw no point in trying to change, even though everyone else tried to look and act just like everyone else. The ‘cool’ people. There was no fun in that.

Sparrow pushed her glasses onto the bridge of nose as she looked in the mirror. Her brown hair had been combed and her blue eyes shone behind her lenses. She nervously stood up and went into the living room, where her mother was sitting reading a book.

“Oh, Sparrow,” she sighed, “You look beautiful.” Sparrow blushed and smiled as she moved towards the door.

“I hope this is as perfect as I imagine it will be,” she muttered as she shut the door behind her.

As Sparrow approached the park, she saw clusters of friends laughing among themselves and drinking cans of soda. There were a few kids sitting at a picnic table setting up a game of Sorry, but she couldn’t bring herself to join them. It was hard being shy. Sparrow sat down on the swings overlooking the gazebo. Sparrow used to have friends. When she was 7 years old, she and the twins next door would send messages through the small hole in the back fence. The twins had started it. They would peek through the fence at the little girl playing all alone in a hand dug sand pit. They would draw her pictures, and Sparrow would draw them back. Pictures soon became conversation, where the twins learned all about how protective her mom had become after her dad died in a car crash when she was 4. They heard that she was homeschooled after that and rarely left the house. Sparrow liked having someone to talk to. Until they were gone. Sparrow hadn’t seen them in weeks, and she decided to hop the fence when her mother was in the restroom. A large dog had chased her away.

As Sparrow thought, she saw a girl walking up to her. She looked, hesitated, and spun to walk away. Sparrow sighed. She knew that this would happen. It happened all the time! She couldn’t understand why people acted this way towards her. She knew she was an outcast. She just didn’t know why. Could it be because she was never seen? Almost every week, Sparrow begged her mother to let her do something “normal”. Let her go to the event at the library. Let her go to the high school football game. Let her go to the coffee shop. The one or two times her mother let her go, would get shunned and ignored. People didn’t accept her. Not on the inside or outside.

Just then, Sparrow saw a tall, handsome boy walking along the path, holding hands with a blonde girl. She watched the way they strided down the path, hand in hand, and looking at each other with so much admiration. Sparrow wanted that for herself. She wanted the contentious feeling she thought others got with someone they really loved.

Just like that, the night was over. Sparrow was glad that she got at least a few kind smiles in her direction. The blonde girl was thriving off of the smiles of approval she got from her peers. How can someone be truly happy when they are trying to seek the approval of people who barely even notice them?

Sparrow walked home with her hands in her pockets as she looked down at the beaten sidewalks. Her spirits were low. Oh, how she had hoped that tonight would be different. She couldn’t help but wonder if it was her they didn’t like. Maybe it was her hair. No, it was the same as everyone else’s. Her clothes? Maybe. Or maybe it was something deeper. Could it be her voice? Her timidness? The fact that she just wasn’t quite like everyone else? She couldn’t figure it out. She opened the door to her house and her mother jumped off the couch.

“How was it, honey? Was it all you wanted?”

“No, mama, it wasn’t fun. Nobody ever talks to me, no matter how much I want it!”

“Then why do you always want to go?”

Sparrow’s eyes started streaming and her voice got loud. “Because, mama, I just keep hoping and hoping, yet no one ever acknowledges me! No one! They might for a little while, but then they quit!” She shivered. “What is wrong with me?” Silent tears fell down her cheeks.

“Nothing is wrong with you, Sparrow. Nothing at all. Anyone who doesn’t care to get to know you is missing out. Those people can go and kick rocks.”

“Is there really nothing I can do to make them like me?” The tears started dripping onto Sparrow’s shirt.

“You could change. Be like them. But I know that’s against your morals. Just be patient, my dear. Soon you will find people who see you and love you for who you are.”

Sparrow hugged her mother and ran to her room. She took out her journal and wrote:

Just because someone doesn’t like you for who you are doesn’t mean nobody likes you. The time will come around. That special person will be there, waiting. They will meet you and know, “She is someone I can be with, someone who will love me for who I am”. And I will be ready to accept that.