The Real Hitler Diaries

Submitted into Contest #139 in response to: Format your story in the style of diary entries.... view prompt

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Historical Fiction Funny

                          The Real Hitler Diaries

Author’s note: For those not old enough to remember the 1980’s, one of the most astonishing events of that decade was the discovery of diaries kept by Adolph Hitler. Stern Magazine, Newsweek and the Sunday Times in London all planned to serialize and publish and were  prepared to hand over millions of dollars to the man who found them.There was one problem though: The diaries were fake, forged by a petty but talented criminal by the name of Konrad Kujau. Well respected experts enthusiastically endorsed the find before some finally recognized the manuscripts for what they were, complete fabrications. As a result I saw  opportunity. I sat down and immediately  penned THE REAL HITLER DIARIES. I mean, why not? Then I tried to sell them but nobody offered me a nickle.    ML

Introduction to THE REAL HITLER DIARIES.

Several years ago my maternal grandfather, Reinhardt Shmutzdrek, passed away in Guden-Baden Germany. His last words whispered to my mother concerned some documents stored in the attic of his house, including official papers of the Third Reich given him by his good friend Zigismund Heil who was very close to Hitler.

I was disappointed to find nothing of value in those papers unless one was interested in how Ziggy’s toes froze on the retreat from Moscow or the state of his bowels in a POW camp outside of Frankfurt. But Ziggy did mention one Ralfs Von Zmarkett, a former SS officer who in fact held A.H.’s personal journals. This shred of information launched me on a decades long quest which has now been brought to a successful conclusion. When I started the search, Von Zmarkett was alive.  Strong clues indicated he was living incognito in Argentina. A reporter from Newsweek headed off that way to investigate the lead while I followed up on a second possibility, that  he was living under his real name in West Covina, California. 

A few weeks later I was sitting in the town’s Der Wienershnitzle when a kindly old gentleman sat down at the table next to mine and after several ferocious bites on his Polish dog introduced himself to me as none other than Rudolph Von Zmarkett. The chatty old guy told me he lived in a little two bedroom bungalow which he had recently shared with another fellow, a doctor---can’t remember if the name was Mainder, Manhal, Mengele, something like that, but the doc had recently returned to his family in South America and left a ton of documents behind.

I drove Rudy back to the bungalow and found a treasure-trove of old wooden boxes filled with papers turned yellow with age. On the very first one I picked up were clear notations in A.H’s hand with doodles around the edges of aircraft, burning cities and sinking ships. As Rudy peered over my shoulder I began a meticulous cataloging of what turned out to be a very extensive diary. After years of work I am proud to submit just a few of the most interesting excerpts from A.H.  for your perusal:

11 November 1918

    Feeling just lousy today. Must start thinking about my future. Painting? Maybe. But no 2nd story work. I have a fear of heights. It is hard to think when you are in an army hospital in great pain, recovering from a gas attack. The gas is caused by the citrus fruit grown by the traitors who have lost Germany the war. The citrus growers are to blame for our defeats! It lies heavy in my stomach. My God, how I loathe the Juice!

30 July, 1921

    Have decided painting is not for me. I am spattered like a ring-tailed monkey. Went off afterward to have a drink in my favorite beer hall. The girls there are big and Aryan. Solid arms, bustenhalters of Wagnerian expanse. Met some old army pals in the pub. They said ‘how about a party’. I said sure, come back to my place and we’ll have a real good time. ‘Not that kind of party’ they said. A political party. Hmmm. This might not be such a bad idea.

10 April, 1924

    I was kidding around in Munich and got in big trouble. OK, maybe I shouldn’t have jumped on that table and fired my pistol---can’t anyone take a joke? Now am in jail. I don’t like jail. It is so dank I have caught a terrible cold, much chest congestion. I am writing an entire book about this. I have entitled the book  ‘Mein Cough’.

19 February, 1927

    My party is doing well, many people joining. But struggling with that little runt Rudolph Hess over the party symbol. He wants to keep using that silly crooked cross done in black with a white circle background. It doesn’t grab me. I prefer a bright, smiling yellow face with the slogan: ‘Have a nice tag’.

17 March, 1929

    Hindenburg has finally taken notice of me! He stopped by party headquarters and said: ‘Adolph, take my advice and shave off that silly moustache or you’ll never get anywhere in politics. Who do you think you are? Charlie Chaplin?’ I smiled and called him a schweinhund under my breath but he gives me an idea: When I retire I shall write and star in a movie and call it ‘The Great Comedian’.

1 January, 1930

    Came back to the Juice in a speech today. Received great applause when I indicted the sneaky, greedy citrus growers. Depression comes to Germany? It is their fault. The country under assault by Communists? Their fault! All would be better if we get rid of ascorbic acid, I told them. I want Germany to be rid of the Juice!

22 August, 1931

    That fat boy Goring came by party headquarters. How he fits through the door is a wonder. He needs to lighten up on the sauerkraut and sausage.

26 March, 1932

    I am informed the Communists want to kill me.  Their lack of respect for human life is just shameful.

3 April, 1932

    Met a wonderful girl named Eva. She wouldn’t give me her last name or tell me where she lives, but I think she likes me. I tried to cop a feel in the beerhall where she is working as a barmaid. She told me if I did that again I would be heiling with a busted hand. I like an Aryan woman with spunk!

30 January, 1933

    A great day! I am second banana behind Hindenburg,  was out on the Reichstag building balcony tonight taking my bows. The building gives me the creeps. I wonder if it is fireproof?

 29 January, 1935

    Took back the Saarland. One down, twenty or thirty to go!

28 May, 1937

    Reviewed the armed forces today. Goring doesn’t like it when I poke his paunch and say ‘hey big fella, you’re so wide you’d flatten Prussia if you sat down.’ The Luftwaffe boys have no sense of humor, all they know is bomb and strafe, bomb and strafe.  Had more fun in the sub pens near Hamburg.  Ordered charcoal  be put on the eye pieces of all the periscopes.

1 October, 1937

    Called Speer in today to discuss the New Berlin. Told Al I wanted the buildings to last a thousand years. Speer says he can’t get a guarantee on workmanship for more than five centuries, max.

30 September, 1938

    Am one happy Fuhrer! Took Austria today. Next will work on the Prague government. Boy, would I love to cache a few Czechs!

30 September, 1938

   Ho, ho! I’m on a roll. Chamberlain came to Munich. He gave me Czechoslovakia, I promised I’m finished gobbling countries. He didn’t see my fingers were crossed behind my back. I asked about Scotland, hinted it would be great to base a few U-boats there. He said Churchill would blow his stack. Who is this guy Churchill?

3 July, 1939

    I’ve ordered Goebbels to begin a propaganda campaign against Poland and he came up with a bunch of very funny jokes, real knee-slappers. I especially liked the one about the bride from Warsaw.

24 August, 1939

    Signed a non-aggression pact with Stalin. The Big Red One wanted to know if I’d keep my word. Sure, I told him. He tried to see if my fingers were crossed behind my back like with Chamberlain but I hid them under my long jacket.

3 September 1939

    Going through Poland like a sharp knife through wienerschnitzel. Britain and France declared war on me today. No big deal.

7 April, 1940

   I am informed my generals have developed a flame thrower of astonishing power to use against the Maginot Line. They are calling it ‘The French Fryer’ ho ho ho. The scientists are working on some nonsense involving atoms. Have told them to stop the foolishness and concentrate on weapons that really work.

11 June, 1940

    Paris not all it is cracked up to be. Dog poop everywhere! Really messed my boots up good. I have ordered the immediate arrest of all poodles.

15 July, 1940

    Tried to call Churchill today, hoped he’d be big enough to let bygones be bygones. Can’t believe he hung up on me. Called back, same result. Mind you, I was paying for the  call.

7 January, 1941

    War in Africa just zipping along. Our panzers get great mileage once the Italians move out of the way.

28 May, 1941

    Bismarck sunk but I shall have my revenge. Have ordered the U-boats to forget transports and cargo ships, focus on the British trawler fleet. Take away their fish and chips and the English will soon be brought to their knees!

22 June, 1941

    Big surprise for the Big Red One, I’ve sent him a couple million German soldiers as a present, ha ha. My generals want me to supply the troops with winter clothing which is ridiculous. They’ll be in Moscow in a couple of weeks.

8 December, 1941

    Went to war with the USA today.  Aha! Now between Japan and Germany we  have Roosevelt surrounded!

5 January, 1942

    Not happy. My troops have not taken Moscow.  Excuses, excuses: The weather, the mud, the enemy. Nonsense. If it were Paris, they’d be there already. I have ordered Goebbles to begin a press campaign talking up the joys of Moscow night-life.  That should motivate them.

7 May 1942

    A Fuhrer’s work is never done. If I’m not planning new offensives I’m busy flattering Mussolini and telling him how fantastic he looks in his tailored uniform. No time even for a little shluffin with Eva. Sigh.

30 August, 1942

    Still having trouble in front of Moscow. OK, I had an idea.  I picked out a city the army can take in two days to rebuild their confidence.  A real pushover on the Volga called Stalingrad.

1 March, 1943

    A so-so year thus far. Ups and downs with Rommel, the Balkans, and rumors of a second front in the west. Worst of all, not a single post-card from Rudy Hess since he’s been in England.

27 October, 1943

    Bad night of sleep. Bombers overhead all night. Goring says his boys shot down many. I told the fat man: ‘not enough’.

1 June, 1944

    Nerves totally frazzled with all this talk of an Anglo-American second front in France. I need a vacation. Thinking of going to Normandy for a few  days.

30 June, 1944

    Have ordered a new set of war maps. Also some new generals. Tired of all the pessimism around the conference table. They tell me Paris is about to fall. I tell them great! Wait until the Americans step in all that French dog poop and watch how fast the Grand Alliance falls apart after that.

20 July, 1944

    At my East Prussia command post. Bang! Bomb goes off. Nah-nah-nah-nah, missed me.

7 February, 1945

    Anglo-Americans near the Elbe, Russians on the Vistula. OK, I hope they get good and wet crossing the rivers.

19 March, 1945

    Thought I heard thunder this morning. Relieved to find out it was only the Russian artillery opening up on Berlin. Been scared of storms since I was a kid. Love this bunker, it’s so cozy.

6 April, 1945

    Toying with the idea of marrying Eva soon. I tease her, say ‘Eva, you got the ‘Braun’, but I got the brains.’ Being a bachelor Fuhrer is losing its appeal, might be time to settle down. Goring dropped by, asked permission to leave Berlin today to inspect our air squadrons in Argentina. Funny, I didn’t know we had any there.

29 April, 1945

    Married Eva today and have promised her a wonderful and fun-filled life  ahead for both of us.

30 April, 1945

    The Russian guns made it impossible to get Eva in the mood for a little non-artillery ‘boom-boom’. Poor darling decided to take what she thought was a sleeping pill but it was a pill that has put her to sleep forever. It’s a sad fact most accidents seem to happen in the home… Tried to phone Truman, Churchill and the Big Red One to talk things over. Nobody accepted my call. OK, then. That’s it. I’m through being a nice guy!

                                                           ***

March 28, 2022 18:14

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6 comments

Zack Powell
02:44 Apr 03, 2022

I know I shouldn't be laughing because of the subject matter of the story, but damn this piece is funny. So many good one-liners: "the Juice," "Mein Cough," "cache a few Czechs," "French Fryer," "Braun and brains." This is probably the only time laughter and Hitler go hand in hand. History buffs will love this story. Thanks for sharing it!

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J.C. Lovero
01:09 Apr 07, 2022

Hi Mark, I definitely enjoyed this take on the prompt. Humor is such a great way to confront issues that otherwise polarize and divide, allowing us to read it, digest, and reflect. Nicely done!

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Kathleen Fine
21:26 Apr 06, 2022

Such a unique and creative idea!

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Mark Linsky
20:38 Apr 03, 2022

Thanks Zack, and thanks for getting it. As I said to Jeanette, another Reedsy member, laughter is the best way to counter pure evil.

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Mark Linsky
20:48 Apr 02, 2022

Thanks Jeanette for laughing. I think the best way to counteract evil in all its forms is to laugh in its face. Mark.

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17:37 Apr 02, 2022

Absolutely brilliant! Very clever use of the prompt and the historical fiction genre. I cracked up many times reading this and was quite intrigued by this perspective. Well done!

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