Zu and the star fox

When you said stepping out of the house was your biggest fear, no one laughed. And the sheer thought of it felt like a physical cut. To leave the house which carries Zu’s memory was like allowing the witches and the monsters to eat you whole. Sound of rain seeped into the room and Blue or Annie or Copper rushed to close the windows. Bee or Laya or Ethal remained silent. Their gaze shifted from you to the rotten bananas on the table.

‘How long it’s been there?’ Annie or Ethal asked.

You didn’t say anything but thought of Zu and her tired smile.

Zu often told the story of a star fox with amber eyes and that they are unnaturally swift because they carry prayers of one who mourns to the Goddess. You laughed at Zu’s story but always watched her, studied the way she stood in front of the door with a cup of coffee. She made it the way you liked—one and a half teaspoon instant coffee, two teaspoon sugar, a pinch of salt and cinnamon powder, and a drop of vanilla essence.

8 years and 97 days. You counted days like you counted the stars—distorted and sleepy, but you were adamant that you counted them right. Every star was Zu, and with every count, you felt closer to Zu.

‘Zu would want you to go out,’ Bee or Blue or Laya said every alternate day, but you hated it. ‘You are selfish,’ Ethal or Copper or Annie said. You hated them, you hated everything and everyone.

The star fox, once summoned, would sing a lullaby that could soothe the harshest pain. There were days you wished Zu would send the fox your way. You wanted to feel Zu’s love. You wanted to hold on to something that could calm you at night. You desired to feel the sun, but the thought of stepping out scared you, as it felt like releasing the fragments of Zu.

8 years and 98 days. Zu’s presence lingered in the corners of the room. Zu placed the coffee cup on the table—it’s green and golden, The Lord of The Rings Elven script mug. You drank the coffee but left one fourth of it for Zu. It was an unsaid tradition to let Zu have the last dregs. Zu always made sure you were never late. Going for work was a bliss when Zu was around. She knew how to make you reach work on time. She had a charm of some sorts or that’s what you believed till she left.

‘She left, don’t say like that,’ Ethal or Bee or Annie said.

‘She is always with you,’ Copper or Blue or Laya said.

Zu was a menace in the morning. The only thing she hated was seeing you late for work. One day, you downed the entire coffee and Zu’s face fell. It was like a promise being broken and the whole day at work you wallowed in guilt. You returned with two cups of iced caramel macchiato to make up for the morning mishap.

8 years 99 days. Copper or Blue brought you coffee. It’s an iced Americano. Ethal or Laya said Americano will keep you energised throughout the day. They learnt it from a YouTube video or an article or from a WhatsApp forward from Annie’s aunt. You don’t the coffee because Zu’s ghost plagued every corner of the house.

Zu kissed on your cheek and said she will make you yachaejeon. You liked it the first time you ate at a Korean restaurant, but Zu hated it. You wanted to ask why, but Zu would only smile and say, ‘I like seeing you happy.’

‘I like seeing you happy, I like seeing you happy, I like seeing you happy,’ you repeated Zu’s words like playing an affirmation tape to manifest. Maybe that’s what you were doing, desperately trying to bring Zu back.

‘One day you have to leave the house, go to work. Zu would want it too,’ Annie or Laya or Blue said. The thought of stepping outside the house terrified you, but most days it was grief and on odd days it was this strange staggering fear, where you saw a monster of sorts waiting outside the door to eat you whole. Some days, you thought it was Zu or the star fox, but you knew Zu and the fox wouldn’t harm you.

You were a lonely child, and Zu was your only friend. There were days you wondered whether you forced Zu to be your friend, but Ethal or Blue said ‘you are being hard on yourself, you are a wonderful person.’

 ‘Think of Zu,’ was what everyone said, and all you did was think of Zu.

Zu was your sun and your eclipse.

8 years and 100 days. Someone opened the window and the house illuminated. You ate French toast and had a cup of black coffee. Copper or Bee congratulated you and hugged you.

‘Baby steps, even if it’s just going to the market,’ Laya or Annie said.

Market was Zu’s place, and the crowd was Zu’s way to escape. She lived more in the masala-soaked air than in your house.

Cold air scuttled through your body. There were people—loud, noisy, quiet, but terrifying. They rushed through streets and the air thinned. Scent of kebabs, momos, kathi rolls, kachoris, kulchas seeped in, sounds of people’s laughter and scream, cycles honking and 90s Bollywood songs hovered over you. The more you walked, the thinner the air became. Every step was heavy, and the world was slipping away. You closed your eyes and thought of Zu—her sweet smile, her upturned sharp eyes, her pink tinted lip balm, which she claimed was organic, and the coffee she made. You kept thinking of her till the calmness washed over you and the sounds dissipated.

You didn’t want to open the eyes, the fear lingered, pushing you further away from Zu and the little world you created before. You feared that the blinding lights of the world would erase Zu forever, and your desire to stay in the bubble and never leave intensified, but the air got colder and the noise softened. And as you opened your eyes, the world blurred, people faded, and time slowed.

A star fox, like the one from Zu’s tale, stood in front of you. Your prayer glimmered in its amber eyes. You blinked and a teardrop fell. You tasted the tear and smiled because the tear was salty and Zu once said, ‘as long as tears are salty, I am with you.’ 

You hugged the fox, and the world melted away and with it, every pain and agony you carried. Zu’s star fox answered Zu’s prayer. Or maybe it was Blue’s or Copper’s or Annie’s or your own. The world felt like you are back in time just like the old days, where happiness could be reached if tried, it was like being with Zu.