I've Been Found

WARNING: Mental health problems and suicide!

I finished filming my ASMR makeup video, edited a different ASMR nail art video, and the moment I closed my computer and packed it in its bag, my big smile sunk into a deep frown. I stood up, and went over to my “teary corner”, and started to curl up like all the other days I’ve been through, but realized something that stopped me from a complete ball. The room seemed to be getting slightly brighter, I looked around confused, but mesmerized. 

Tears had already started flowing, but I was still able to speak a few, raspy words. “A-are you th-there G-god?” I didn’t expect an answer, but I figured there wasn’t any harm in trying. When there was obviously no answer, I tried once more. “G-god, a-are you t-there? It-it’s me… Pi-piper…” I sat silently, but I could see the room fade back to its original setting of brightness. I finished my curl in my corner, and went back to my tears. As they flowed, I could see them running along the wall, and as they ran, I could see them slowly staining the wall. 

I packed my lunch for work, and was just about to add my red velvet cupcake in, when the room grew in with the holy brightness again. I ran to, what seemed like the location of it, the balcony as quickly as possible, and reached my arm up as high as I could reach, and said his name over and over again. I didn’t know how long I stood there, and I didn’t know what or who I was waiting for, but after a while, the light went away in a fade and the room was back to normal. I put my arm down, shed a tear, and went back to packing the lunch. 

Soon after, I walked out the door and began my walk to the office. When I arrived, I quickly went to my desk to hide my now flowing tears. I sat down, typed a few words on the computer, but stopped to take a raspy breath. I wasn’t in the moment for anything but crying… I was ready to give up… the only thing that kept me going was my amazing father above. 

I quickly typed on the computer and sent it to the printer. I then quickly ran out of the building, and got home. I fell onto my bed, and just layed there sobbing my emotions and heart out, and I didn’t even wanna try and stop them. I was on my edge, almost to my deathbed, and I was just about ready to jump into it. 

Nightfall came, and I finally got out of my bed. I went over to the balcony, and looked up at the shiny stars. I slowly reached my hand up to the sky, expecting something or someone to reach back down, and help me. Nothing happened after a long while of waiting. I walked out the door. 

I drove for 20 minutes, and went to the Eads Bridge. I got out and walked with a purpose, and head high, to the edge. I was on a heartbreaking and painful mission, and this time, I wasn’t backing out. I’ve had enough of the pain and guilt I felt every, single, stupid, achie day. I climbed to the top of the ledge, and looked up towards the sky. I started screaming, “GOD…“ with a slight pause in between each time. For a moment, I thought the world around me became brighter… but the illusion kept flickering as if it were a dying flashlight, then it completely faded all together. 

I sighed. I looked down at the water below me. I looked back up towards the stars. I was able to shift into a small smile as a single tear shed from my eye, nothing in its path to stop it. I looked back down at the graceful water… the slow ripples and its slow, calming melodie… it put me at peace. Sometimes, it even looked as if the water was very still ice, or swaying grass, or the warm, still sand on the beach. 

I looked around, let out a sigh, and stepped forward… going down, and down, and down… into the water below, making the water no longer slow and peaceful and calming. I knew I couldn’t swim, and at that moment, I didn’t want to know. For once, I was fine with no knowledge of water and the unlimited possibilities that came with it. 

I slowly opened my eyes, one eye, and then another… realizing that I never felt a single drop of water, there wasn’t even a sound of splashing. It was as if I never jumped and just woke up from a bad dream. I looked down at my feet, to see the water below me. I gasped, almost to a high-pitch, ear-splitting scream. I looked up, and realized I was floating in a bright, and holy-feeling beam of light. Following the light up, I saw a silhouette of a man, a holy and kind looking man, with bright and kind eyes, with a warm and heartfelt smile. I smiled as tears streamed out of my shining eyes and glided down my cheeks. For the first time in my life, I felt no pain inside, I felt free and at peace and calm. I was ready…

My smile grew wider than it ever has as I closed my eyes. I let out a sigh of relief… tears sped down my face faster than the speed of light, and for once I was happy about it. I felt myself being lifted into the sky… up, and up, and up… into the peaceful and shimmering and shining stars above. 

As I flew, the pain flooded away like a vacuum, or a flood, or a strong gust of wind, either way, it was the best feeling ever. The feeling of freedom, the feeling of being unslaved, the feeling of the prey becoming the hunter. All in one, it was peace.