A Recipe for Success at Accounting Solutions Select

Welcome to Accounting Solutions Select, a mid-sized company specializing in accounting in this nondescript building in the business park area at the edge of town. Our cubicle space is approximately 80 square feet per person, all cookie-cutter copies of each other with gray walls.

If you want to succeed here, I encourage you to follow this recipe for success.

First, you need a gallon-sized cup of indifference. Accounting Solutions Select is not asking you to try to find creative solutions to problems, efficiency, or even ways to boost company morale. Trying to suggest a resolution for a problem that the company never asked for is seriously discouraged as Accounting Solutions Select may think you are trying to cause trouble when they already have a tested method that currently works. The company may think you are trying to disturb the balance of their organization and will view you and your suggestions unfavorably. The company wants you to keep your head down – and do the work that is requested, exactly how it is required.

Next, you need a large saucepan of routine, set to medium heat. Accounting Solutions Select requires you to work from eight am through five pm Monday through Friday, with an hour break for lunch at noon sharp. The company requests that you take two, 15-minute breaks at ten in the morning and three in the afternoon. You must request time off for vacation at least two weeks in advance, noting that there is no guarantee your vacation request will be granted. If you are sick, call 30 minutes before your start time and speak to a supervisor. If you are ill more than two days in a row, you must provide a doctor's note or be written up. Accounting Solutions Selects prefers predictability – and they love it when you follow the same routine day after day, everything from how much you produce to the time you use the restroom and go on break. The company prefers a predictable flow – and they like to know what, why, and when is happening in their building and company.

Between you and me, you need three tablespoons of mediocrity. Although Accounting Solutions Select loves it when you outperform your goals, you are simply assigned more work for those out on vacation or those struggling to meet their goals - and never a raise. I would suggest you abide by the idiom “slow and steady wins the race” to stay off the company's radar and to produce at a steady pace. Keep your head down and try to go unnoticed. If your name is remembered or mentioned too many times, the company will raise your performance goals or they may think you are making too many waves. Either way, be invisible. Show up. Do your work. Earn your paycheck. Enjoy your weekends of freedom.

You will also need at least one well-fitted outfit of inconspicuousness. Accounting Solutions Select prefers muted colors, with a preference for gray, white, black, and brown. Promoting a no-frills business model, the company does not want the employees to stand out. The company would almost prefer you wear the same outfit day after day – as long as it's clean – to promote a sense that every day is the same. Although the company does allow piercings, they only allow ear piercings, which can be no bigger than large studs. Hair must be neat and clean with no unusual colors, and hair must be styled for a standard business setting. That means no Mohawks or unusual styles. Tattoos should be covered with clothes or makeup. Jewelry can be worn, but should not jangle or make any noise that would attract attention to one's self or detract attention from work. Clothes must be clean, fit well, and be free of holes. Women should wear short heels or flats that cover the toes, while men should wear loafers, muted colors once again preferred. The work gets done, the employees are engaged in routine, and nothing out of the ordinary is occurring. It's business as usual.

Although not required, I suggest you find one to two teaspoons of trusted companions that work on your same shift and break schedule. This will help you to find something to look forward to as you can exchange any workplace happenings during break time, or simply just to talk to someone to vent or for slight spontaneity during the day. The company may encourage common days, Monday through Friday, but sometimes we need to speak to a trusted colleague to keep us sane from the monotony of the day.

A quart of obedience is always needed at the company. You must be at your desk and clocked in by eight am, ready to work. If you are three or more minutes late or fail to call within 30 minutes of your start time to say you will be out, you will receive one verbal warning. After three verbal warnings, you will receive one written warning. After three written warnings, you will be subject to termination. A no-show automatically earns one written warning. Calling in sick before or after a holiday will earn one written warning. These warnings reset after one year with the company.

Prepare for a sprinkling of goodwill from the company. Every Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve, you will be granted one hour to leave before your regular shift ends. If you have previously requested these days off, you will earn an extra two hours on your paycheck. Additionally, in lieu of a holiday party, Accounting Solutions Select will provide you with a ten-dollar gift card to Starbucks.

And this is my advice, but you'll also want a dash of cleverness. Always use the restroom right at the end of your shift, just so you are paid to use the bathroom on company time. Say your goodbyes to any colleagues right before you clock out, so you, once again, are on company time. No one likes to stick around after their shift – if they can help it.