The Death of Comfort

She looked back at her life, revisiting memories of her past in a photo album. She had a more nuanced perspective now however. All those memories, taunting her, reminding her of all that she once had that was now gone. That trip to Italy, those family beach trips, birthday dinners, all of them. Photos of a time that she had once looked so fondly at, now remind her that she mourns something that may have only existed in her mind. She knew that her circumstances were at least partly her fault. She had stayed too long at the party, because she had feared what she may have missed if she had departed too soon.

There was a time when she had seen in his eyes, that which she now knows has always been true. Indeed, she noticed it often throughout the years. That the love of her life did not love her. Did he ever? Does he even know what that means? Why did she so willingly, deliberately ignore the warning signs? She knows, as she asks the question, why she chose ignorance. To ignore it meant life would stay comfortable. Nothing would change. Change itself requires discomfort. The one glaring truth now, that she is forced to reckon with, here in the aftermath, in the ruins of their life together, and in the trauma inflicted on her kids in the process, is that her comfort came at the expense of his own. She was the source of his discomfort. To acknowledge that even if only in her mind, loudly, is to know that this is a self-inflicted wound. A self-inflicted wound, now turned septic.

Once in the hospital, after a serious, near fatal car accident she had seen in his eyes that faraway look that she had seen many times during their years together. A look that told his story without ever uttering a word. A look that said he would rather be anywhere but there. The level of disinterest that existed within them brought it to the surface. Still she chose ignorance. She told herself that nobody is happy in a hospital. Everyone has that look in their eyes in a hospital. Certainly he was happy at her survival. The miracle of that near fatal collision should have brought about sheer joy, yet it did not. She wonders now if he had wished things had turned out differently. She knows on some level that that certainly is not true, that nobody could wish for a death of a "loved" one, to avoid ushering in future confrontation, but the question tugs at her all the same. Despite her pain, and the mental fatigue brought about by that same pain, she knows better. She mentioned this to her sister in passing one day, shortly after the break up, and she said, “Well yeah, but he has always been like this”. That acknowledgement of what she had always known to be true, was like a slap to the face. It was said out loud, but felt much more on the inside. She knew that she had only herself to blame for her willful ignorance and the wreckage that came with it.

She felt like a leaf now, at the mercies of ever changing winds. She was full of promise some days, and some days she was utterly lost. Some days she could move mountains, and some days she could not lift a finger. That is the way of things she supposes. Some days you are up, some days you are down. She knows that part of the reason she feels so lost and confused is how he left. When he left, he did it in the most disgraceful, disrespectful way. There is some small part of her that still loves him, and simultaneously finds him so contemptible though, because of how he left her. He had essentially ghosted her, and she hasn't seen him since their last encounter, nearly two years ago. She realizes that no apology will be forthcoming, and has to live with that. She will never get to utter her own apology to him, and she has many regrets about that too. No closure will be granted. She is one that needs closure. She wants to tell him and apologize to him for her own failings, and would like some acknowledgement of his own as well. She knows that day may never come. She is in fact, certain of that. She knows that when the time is right, she will forgive him. She knows that will not change anything between them, perhaps only making things less awkward and uncomfortable for them all in future events. Graduations, weddings and the like. Sometimes you cannot ignore things. Sometimes circumstances are not always avoidable. In due time, her own outlook will change. She knows this. It is an inherent rite of passage for everyone. She also knows that forgiveness, at least for her, is not absent of memory. Certain instances warrant some kind of closure, and to be ignored by the one she loved better than herself, the one she deigned to defer to at every turn, trusting him more than she trusted herself, is a betrayal nobody could really prepare for. Nobody would even expect that. She was ambushed by his absence, and left to tell her children the story of why. She herself did not know the answer to that question. Causing her to doubt herself could in and of itself make this act could almost unforgiveable. She will forgive because she knows despite this, she will still triumph. Even though she doesn’t know the how or when. She will forgive because she can’t stay there too long in her grief and anger. She will forgive because it is very necessary for moving on and moving ahead. Her forgiveness gives her a measure of closure, even if it is not the one she planned on. Life is never as clean or as pretty as one would think, and she knows this as surely as she knows the sun will rise. She knows now too, that to be uncomfortable, is to grow. There can be no growth when there is comfort. Plants that bloom biggest, and brightest, do so when that are pressed to do so. Growth begins when discomfort comes in. She knows this for herself, and she knows this for him too. Despite what had transpired between them, she loves him still, in a vastly different way. She has let him go, free to become who he was meant to be. Without her. And the same for her. She will walk a path that was foisted upon her, and she will make the most of her life. It is an enduring legacy that she will leave behind, and she will have become her best self because of her pain, and her discomfort. This is what growth, and ultimately, life has taught her. She will be okay in the end.