Isaiah Chapter 54

Setting: At the “Spot” sitting on a bolder. 11:58PM

Nathan: match?

Freddie: sigh. Yeah cool. Damn I forgot, you brought papers?

Nathan: take another one if you need to ha-ha, in and out. And yeah, I brought some with me. I can’t remember the last time we came out here. Damn near forgot they’re stars in the sky, I aint look up in the dark in a minute.

Freddie: Man for real I almost forgot why we enjoyed coming here.

Nathan: *spark, pull, pass. When you gone stop that?

Freddie: I mean are you hel...? Soon Nathaniel. *Pull

Nathan: yeah okay. So, when? Because if we being real, it should’ve been yesterday. And right now, and day is a good day to start.

Freddie: *pull. Bro do you even know…? Have you…? *pass

Nathan: mhmm *pull, don’t let the year close and you still trying ma’am.

Freddie: it won’t.

Nathan: *pull. You smell that? Must be burning the sugar canes. *pass. Anyways, what’s taking you so long to start the other stuff you been talking about?

Freddie: I started something already. I just stopped for a while. *pull. Partly because it aint no walk in the park Nathaniel. But also, because I been at a place where I’m okay if this is what it’s going to be. I don’t look to anyone to define success for me or what brings me joy. But also in the same breath, wanting more. *pull, pass. Sometimes I feel like people hear me say more and go to thinking material things. And yeah, that too. But if I’m being real, it’s not even close to touching the surface.

Nathan: *pull. Yeah, I feel you. Bro honestly, I didn’t know that’s where you at. *pull. I mean I know you been talking about change since jit days, amongst all the other shit. But lowkey, I guess I couldn’t picture access like that. *pull, pass.

Freddie: yeah, it’s like standing on sinking sand to me. Truth be told, it wasn’t clear to me neither. I think I’ve gotten older and learned to reframe. It’s gotten easier to put it together with the different jobs I’ve been working at. But when I think back to when I was younger, the goals haven’t changed, just taken a different form if that makes sense. You know how you always teasing me, talking about “why I like playing with mud?” ha-ha. *pull. I love pottery, love how it starts with nothing and I can shape it into anything I put my mind to. Sometimes it becomes frustrating, because it doesn’t always come out right. Just be a blob. Then other times I got a new vase for my flowers, or a new ashtray.

Nathan: bahahaha aye yo, I still don’t know how you sit and play with mud for hours man. Ha-ha but I definitely appreciate my trays fasho. I ain’t gone speak on how it was looking in the beginning, because I had to guess what it was ha-ha.

Freddie: *pull, pass hahahaha it doesn’t matter sir, you understood what it was though.

Nathan: hahaha, yeah barely. I thought you was making rocks...hell, ha-ha.

Freddie: hahaha you know what Nate? Anyways, bro in the beginning I was talking to God, like it’s so many people in this world you could’ve gave a vision like that. Like so many people bro. And it’s so many already sitting at the table for a long time. Then here he go with me.

Nathan: *pull

Freddie: like damn I understand works, and I’ll never intentionally be disobedient. But I’m human. Ion to much feel bad for kicking and screaming on my way. And I like to think he already know this about me in this relationship. We ain’t been in this walk to long, but he caught me at 15. So, it just makes it easier when I decided to stand up again. Not all the time kicking and screaming, but shoot, he’s the only one I can carry it to. I don’t know how to explain it.

Nathan: *pull…pull. Freddie, you think he would drop the prints like that if he ain’t think you capable? *pull. I mean yes, people have done it, doing it, and probably after we gone. But how you know? Like maybe it’s a specific way he wants it done by you, I don’t know. *pull, pass. I feel you on why it can be a lot. I guess when you realize how much and what you want to do or whatever. But dawg, aint you the one who said “if everyone or most people doing they own thing for themselves, somebody gotta reach back and think of tomorrow. Somebody has to do the work” remember? You know yo goals aint the same as everyone else. Leave everything else where it’s at. Art, work, whatever. It’s doing what it’s supposed to do if they're talking. It can make you think, provoke, change… all that. Release it. You can’t always control how they perceive it, but release.

Freddie: *spark, pull

Nathan: we can rollem up after we finish, we might as well start ma’am.

Freddie: *spark, pull. *rolls eyes, I have to laugh at “whatever”. I think it’s easy to say that when you don’t know what’s going on behind the scenes. Like the depth of the powers that be.

Nathan: you forget I’m right here with you Freddie?

Freddie: I know, but still, I guess it was just new to me. Or more aware, I guess. And to be real I do my best not to focus on the things I see, or things I can’t control. I just remind myself that God is in control. And I try to make my days easier by focusing on those who get it. The first time for the rest would be nice, but I understand grace. I just don’t think people understand it, until they want it for themselves. *pull Eh, and God been too real to me, for me to entertain doubt for too long. *pull, pass. I hear you when you say leave it where it’s at, but I aint too much trying to hear ego masked in words because I’m holding up a mirror or you see the potential. Usually, I hear to believe in myself more instead of change. It’s frustrating sometimes. Because it’s as if the belief didn’t bring you here in this moment. I feel like it was there when I’m told to believe more, respectfully you know. There with them too when instead of change, I got a combination of words. Cool. And if it’s too much, which I get, I’ll move out the way and carry on to those who do get it. And yeah, those who don’t sometimes are met with anger because yes, this is precious to me. It’s for the most precious in this nation. I understand in order to touch and agree with those that do; I must consider those who don’t. I’m working on finding the balance. At this stage it’s been the most challenging for me, and how or where to start. Yes, it’s a lot, because it’s so much I’ve learned about myself and still learning. I get annoyed when someone tries to place me in their box, especially on how my journey is supposed to be. I’m probably just overthinking it; I don’t know. My Bishop used to do these series. He had one back in 18’ I believe called “Uncommon Faith” one of my favorites. I think that’s where I’m at right now.

Nathan: bahahaha, dawg I’m glad you know about that kicking and screaming shit. *pull. Most definitely yo ass. *pull, naw but for real though Freddie, truth and growth aint supposed to make you comfortable or easy. It’s just a safe ground you can stand on, too. I’m listening to you, but don’t just hear me when I say keep going. How brave you think you’ll have to be later versus now? *pull, pass

Freddie: man, I won’t know until I get there. I just try to stay prepared. And I know it’s not to make me comfortable, and lowkey *raises hand, I know it starts with stopping this. Or at least for a while cause hahaha. I’m not gone lie to you hahaha. Maybe not while I’m sticking my feet in. I think bravery is shown in different ways. Like in my mother’s womb, I was a Black woman before I was anything else. Sometimes it be like walking in a room and asking myself which one of them today? Not that I can separate the two. *pull, pass. I have to be brave every time I walk out that door, praying I make it back home. In my tone. In my mannerism. In choosing rest when the world tells you to keep moving. In choosing to ‘live’ in today’s world. In standing firm and holding my ground with my boundaries. Black women carry and wear so many hats. Even in pain they’ll tell you to do it gracefully. Waves moving, but of course, poise. I get it, and of course there’s a time and place. But I think it should be within reason. Part of being brave is realizing everything may not be alright, and it’s okay if it isn’t pretty or what you’re accustomed to seeing. That is a part of bravery to me.

Nathan: yeah, I feel you *pull

Freddie: still choosing to show up. Maybe it’s stupid, but I don’t like to give room for someone to tell me how to carry my pain. I know I’ll shake back, but whatever that’s in between, is in between. Then I carry on back to the work. To be vulnerable, freely.

Nathan: so, let’s check out that place you always talking about with the trees and start again this weekend.

Freddie: is this the last one? Damn...

Nathan: yes ma’am

 2/25/22