Thunderstorms in Autumn

If you could kill one person in the world and get away with it who would it be?

Jay can't stop asking these stupid questions but right now I don't mind too much, right now I feel like a god. Steph's hair smells like vanilla and lavender. I know this because her head is on my chest. Her hands are soft and smooth, but her nails are long and sharp. I know this because every time lightning flashes outside she grabs my hand, and every time the thunder shakes the walls of the restaurant she squeezes tight and her nails dig in to my palm.

Julien answers first.

I don't know, probably someone who deserves it. Some serial killer or sexual predator or something.

That's not a real answer. Jay says, sounding a little annoyed.

It has to be someone you know personally or someone famous. Otherwise you take all of the fun out of it.

Hold on. Ash chimes in.

Killing someone isn't supposed to be fun. I wouldn't kill someone unless I absolutely had to and they deserve it, so I agree with Julien. It has to be some kind of monster like that or I just wouldn't kill anyone. Maybe not even then.

For the first however many of these questions Jay asked I wasn't on this planet. When the power went out we rounded up some of the candles that were on the tables for decoration and lit them, then we all huddled together in the kitchen. There were only five of us there because the place was closed and we were cleaning up. No need for a full staff after 11 pm. I plopped down against one of the prep counters in a sort of half sitting and half laying position. Steph was next to me in a similar position, but as the storm worsened she slid closer and closer, and eventually she leaned over and put her head on my chest. No words were spoken about it as far as I know, because as soon as I realized what was happening I think I had a panic attack. I couldn't comprehend anything. All sound was muffled and distant. There was no way any words would have came out if I tried to speak. I figured I was probably sweating, and then panicked even more at the thought of sweating on her. The first time she grabbed my hand I thought I was going to die. My heart was going to explode. Then, when her nails sunk in to my palm I came to my senses a little. The pain brought me back, but in a euphoric sort of way. Eventually I was able to calm down enough to actually comprehend that Jay was asking questions, and this one about killing someone was the first one I fully understood. I didn't feel panicked or nervous anymore, I felt good. Like, really good.

I'd kill myself, Jay said, and I could feel his smirk through the darkness without actually seeing it. This was the type of answer he was hoping to get from the rest of us. Something dramatic and edgy that he could really sink his teeth in to.

No you wouldn't, I blurted out. I could feel Steph's head move to look up at my face. Probably a little shocked to hear me speak after the untold amount of time I spent in silence.

For one, you're just trying to be edgy. Two, that answer doesn't even work with your question. You didn't say that you had to kill someone, you said if you can kill someone and get away with it. Killing yourself isn't getting away with anything. You're just dead.

Jay was quiet for a moment and eventually said

Actually if you think about it, it's the most surefire way to get away with killing someone. They can't punish you if you're dead. Unless we're talking about some afterlife shit, and I don't know if this crowd has the capability to have a conversation that interesting.

No. I actually kind of agree with Jay, Steph said, in a sort of whispery, sleepy voice.

Not that I agree with suicide or anything like that but if I had to kill someone I'd kill myself. Even if society says that there's a type of person who deserves to die, like real monsters, I don't know how I could live the rest of my life knowing I took someone else's life away from them. I'd think about their mom, or their kids if they had any. I don't -

Julien interrupted.

Well that's the point though, he didn't say we had to. He said if we could kill someone and get away with it.

Let's change the subject. Ash said.

Talking about killing people is bumming me out. What do you guys think about love? Or like soul mates? For me, I would have to say that love is something that is meant to be shared, but it's okay to only share it with one person. I don't think I could do it though. I mean, it seems scary to me. I want life to be an adventure and I don't know how adventurous it could be staying with one person your whole life. What do you guys think?

I think true love is a thing but not soul mates. Steph said.

Like, you can meet someone and eventually fall in love and that person becomes your true love. But...I don't believe that there's some predetermined person we're supposed to be with.

I agreed with Steph and said so, and everyone else did too. It was a pretty tame and reasonable answer but we all agreed that it made sense and it didn't necessarily clash with what anyone said. Jay didn't have anything to add to the topic and I believe he set a new personal best for length of time without speaking.

Until-

Well whatever, back to the good stuff. What do you guys think happens when we die?

I knew Jay would come back to this. If a topic he finds interesting pops in to his head he can't let it go. It has to be discussed and debated until he's satisfied or everyone else is tired of the conversation.

I think we're all just energy, Ash said. She paused briefly, and we all waited for her to elaborate.

When we die we just go back in to this huge pool of energy. Some of us have really bright and good energy, and this gives us more power to go where we want to go next. Some of us have dark, murky, negative energy and we either stay in the pool until we're light again, or we're forced to in to something terrible. Kind of like reincarnation with more steps I guess.

Steph was the first to reply.

That doesn't really sit right with me. I mean, so you're saying anyone who has a really shitty life is like that because they were bad in a previous one? A lot of people with hard lives are really good people.

Yeah I can't get behind that either, Julien said. I grew up Catholic, and I don't think I believe in Hell but I'm sure there has to be a Heaven. I mean there's not just nothing. There can't be. When I got out of the church I had a couple nights of sheer existential dread thinking about it. I can't fathom nothingness. It just doesn't make sense to me. We have to continue somewhere, and I think it's somewhere good.

I tried my best to think of something to say, but Steph was holding my hand again. There was no lightning or thunder this time, she was just holding it to hold it. I was having trouble focusing on anything else.

Jay spoke up next.

I'm kind of at peace with nothing. I mean, we live through this bullshit and then we just get to rest. I guess...I mean who even knows if it's rest. It's just nothing. No. Actually you know what? I'm not okay with that. How can you experience nothing? That's such a strange concept. I decided I don't like it anymore. But...I did hear this theory once. It's called quantum immortality. Essentially it says that there are infinite parallel universes, and that when we die in one our consciousness sort of just shifts over to the one closest to your reality and you live from the point of dying like it didn't happen. Maybe you got in a car wreck and died, but in this other universe you were able to be saved. Or maybe the semi missed you by half an inch and the wreck never happened. It can also explain some things like the Mandela Effect....you know...where mass groups of people remember certain events happening or things being a certain way but they're really not. That shit really freaks me out and I don't know if-

A loud electrical whirring sound cut him off, and suddenly the lights were back on. The kitchen appliances were beeping, and everything was stirring back to life. I felt a little sad. I realized I didn't want it to be over. I wanted Steph's head on my chest and her hand in mine. It wasn't just that though. There was a weird comfort to the situation that no one talked about, but I'm sure everyone felt. There was a severe storm outside, but we were safe, protected by walls and a roof. We had cozy little candles as our only light source, but we still couldn't see each others faces. Just conversation in the dark. Like we were kids at a sleepover talking about life after we were supposed to be asleep. A feeling of wonder to our words mixed with a little whimsy.

No one asked Jay to finish his thoughts and theories on the afterlife, and he didn't offer up any more questions. We all got to our feet and started blowing out candles. Ash went to the window and said that it looked like the storm had pretty much died down and we should be safe to go home.

After everyone had gathered their things and the candles had been put away we gathered by the door.

Everyone good? Asked Julien.

We all said that we were and flipped out the lights. The restaurant was dark again. For a moment I wanted to ask everyone to stay. To keep talking through the night and only stop when we heard the birds the next morning. It didn't even matter to me if Steph was across the room, but I would like it better if we went back to the exact spots we were in. I didn't say anything though. Even if they all had the same thoughts as me they would have declined. We had our adult lives to get to the next day and we should go home. Everyone shuffled out the door, Julien, Steph, and I all had keys but mine were ready so I turned to lock the door behind us. When I turned back Jay had already disappeared into the night. If I had any plans to talk to Steph they were gone, her and Ash were walking together and too far away for me to say anything without it being awkward. Julien waited for me. We both just stood there for a brief moment, grinning. Neither of us said we had fun, it would have felt like a weird thing to say. Julien gave me a light, playful shove and told me to have a good night.

Yeah

I said.

See you tomorrow night.