Darkness

C/W: mentioning of depression and self-harm... Darkness have been my best friend for a while now. I wake up every morning and cannot see a thing. I can only feel her surrounding me with her horrible depressing clouds. Sometimes, I struggle to get out of bed solely because of how heavy the storm gets; it pushes me back into the linen sheets and makes sure that I don’t move for a second. My mind keeps alive but the body never listens. She enjoys holding power over me.

When I first met Darkness, I was just a ten-year-old boy living my childhood to the fullest. She appeared suddenly out of nowhere, I hadn’t noticed it for quite some time. But all that time she was slowly crawling to me, wrapping her old wrinkly arms around me. I think the very first time when I met her was when I witnessed my parents arguing in the kitchen. There were no broken dishes, the food stayed in the pots, but a feeling of shattering was in the air, and it stayed there ever since. Every single fight they had allowed her to peek from around the corner but with every said word the distance between me and her reduced. She was fully welcomed into my mind when they finally announced the divorce. My older brother took it a lot better: he barely cried as he understood the circumstances better than I did at the time. In my case, Darkness had to be certain that this was the point of no return for me and her.

Now, it has been over five year since my father moved out of the flat, we all once shared. I still see him, certainly, less than I might have wanted, but once a month is not that terrible. I could have enjoyed more than just occasional small talks; however, it is more than many others have with their fathers. I am not fond of my situation, on the other hand, I wouldn’t want the fights to be the environment I would have spent my teenage years stuck in. Sometimes, I do have a guilty thought of them getting back together only because the positive memories have settles in my brain quite vividly.

My relationship with Darkness had progressed over this half a decade. She used to be gentle: the only thing she would do is lay me down in bed. But at this point of our interaction, she has a tendency to become violent once in a while. The last time that I recall her showing her claws was a week ago, when she was insisting on the fact that I am worthless, showing very explicit pictures of my family and friends abandoning me. The worst part was when she pulled out a screwdriver and made me take out the screws out of my last pencil sharpener. I locked myself in the bathroom and kept on crying, while she was staring at me from a poorly lit corner. I took the blade out and operated a familiar operation on my thigh. After disinfecting the cuts, I collapsed on the floor, but not a single tear was rolling down my cheek at that point. I went completely numb. She wrapped her arms around me, like she always did and started whispering the thing she always said, ‘Good boy, but not that deep.’

I cannot say that I do like spending my time on my phone, but it gives me the sense of escapism I lack in my regular life. One time I came across a website that allows you to meet people – another one among hundreds, but this one was specifically for teenagers. The yellow icon seemed attractive, so I downloaded it without a second thought. After a few meaningless conversations, ending with them telling me that they were doing nothing, I met a girl, who was deeply interested in history. She would tell me facts that not many people knew, the communication was brilliant. I hadn’t felt this close to someone in a very long time. We left that app, and in a few weeks of talking we agreed to meet in person.

She lived twenty minutes away from me on train, so we agreed to meet at the train station. I was nervous while standing there waiting, but she seemed sweet, very knowledgeable and just truly amazing. Very luckily for me and her, that day turned out to be one of those rare ones when Darkness was quiet. I suppose she was interested in how she could ruin a day I have been waiting for. When I saw her train, a wave of cold sweat hit my back. I saw her walking out of the carriage and then running towards me. This was when Darkness grabbed me, so I wasn’t able to move and give her a long-awaited hug. But her plan failed, Em didn’t even notice and gave me the warmest cuddle I have had in a while. And Darkness let go; that had never happened before. Em must have had something that made her step back.

That day I spent with Em was one of the happiest I had in a long tiring dark time. It seemed like the conversation was never dying, I really trusted that girl, so I opened up to her about my long-term relationship with Darkness. Unlike many before, she was extremely understanding. She said that she had never experienced this kind of interaction, but she also promised to try her hardest to relieve the burden Darkness brings.

Time flew by with the speed I hated, too fast. There was so much more I could have said but not enough hours in a day. We had to part, she went home, giving me her now famous hug before stepping into the train carriage. I walked home feeling like Darkness was gone, everything seemed brighter: the street lights were shining with a lot more power than usually.

When I came home, my mother asked if I was taking drugs with my new friend because I seemed too cheerful. It hurt that she got used to seeing me only when Darkness was by my side, but it could not ruin how happy I was. I know I will see her again, and maybe, at least I hope, Em’s presence will make Darkness leave. I know she will still be hanging around but, I can finally see the light shining through.