Finding Clarity

That is not mine, Vanessa thought, seething. She stood, looking down at the hot pink thong that lay crumbled on the floor, partially hidden by the ugly brown couch. A flurry of emotions rumbled within her as she stared at the underwear, an admission of infidelity.

She didn’t want to deal with it; she wanted to forget she saw it, lock the sight of it away to the back of her brain and throw away the key. There had been other signs of him hooking up with other people, sure. But she never acknowledged it — because then she’d have to admit it was true, and she wasn’t ready for that.

Of course, even if she did confront him, what good would it even do? She let herself fall in love with a man who was was allergic to commitment. She had been a fool, telling herself that she was okay with only having parts of him. For months, she pretended like she was happy with their arrangement: essentially friends with benefits, with occasional dates that messed with her heart, confusing crumbs of romance that convinced her that he was worth waiting for. If she marched right to him and told him she’d read his messages to other women, shown the screenshots of him leaving comments on sexy Instagram models’ photos, he’d say she was crazy. That they were never in an exclusive relationship in the first place, and that she had no right to feel any type of way about his own business.

But that didn’t stop her from feeling upset, ugly, and not good enough. When he wasn’t looking, she sneakily looked through his phone for evidence. She knew what she was doing was wrong, but she couldn’t help it. He acted like a boyfriend on the regular, begging for her to come over. She met his friends and his family. Hell, they even went on trips together! He whispered those sweet nothings in her ear, told her things that he knew she ached to hear. Who wouldn’t get confused by that? His actions and words didn’t match — so she pretended that his actions were the only thing that mattered. So why then, did reading messages he had sent to his ex-girlfriend bother her so much?

Vanessa knew that he met with her recently for some “closure”. When he admitted to her what happened, she told him: “fuck that, she cheated on you, why would you entertain her?” — trying her best to come from a friendly place, even though she was so insanely jealous that he once loved someone else, someone that he clearly still had some sort of feelings for. In a moment of weakness, she looked up his ex online and immediately compared herself to her — they had the same curly hair, same brown skin, same curves. Honestly, they looked eerily similar. Vanessa didn’t know why, but that infuriated her more. Fury had boiled in her chest; why would he want to see somebody again that had treated him so poorly? Why, when he had her now? But of course, he went anyway. But like other things, she shoved her feelings down and acted like none of it bothered her.

But today was different. Seeing underwear that was left behind — she couldn’t ignore that. It was there, clear as day. She had to face the truth. It no longer mattered how much she loved him, and how much she wanted so badly for him to notice her, to love her back. She wanted to blame her naïveté on being young and dumb, but she was done waiting for a twenty five year old man to grow up. She was over it, and fucking angry. Tears threatened to spill from her eyes, hatred exploding throughout her body. Her hands began to shake, and heat flushed to her cheeks.

She heard him shut the door to the bathroom, finished with his shower. As she heard his footsteps, she left the office, meeting him in his bedroom. She stood in the doorway, watching Jackson stand by his closet wearing only a towel. He turned and faced her, with a annoyingly sexy, dimpled smile. She didn’t smile back.

“Who’s underwear is that?” Vanessa said bluntly, her words bitter. She didn’t specify what underwear she was talking about, or where she found it. Jackson’s smile faltered, his eyes shifting the same way he always did when he was trying to think of a lie.

“Huh? They’re probably yours, you probably left them here one day.” He replied, turning around. He dropped his towel and slipped into some sweatpants. Did he really think she’d buy that? That she didn’t know what her own damn underwear looked like?

She didn’t answer him right away. She didn’t want to cry, which was usually what happened when she got really pissed off. He turned around again, not putting on his shirt to hide the abs that usually turned her on enough to distract her. Not today. She was determined to stay strong.

“I need to talk to you,” Vanessa sat on his bed and waited for him to join her. He had a look on his face that probably meant guess she didn’t fall for it this time.

“Look. I need to know where this is going. Because I can’t keep playing these games with you, Jackson.” She was determined to sound calm and collected, even though she had a strong urge to yell at him.

“What games, Vanessa?” He said as he sat down next to her. They usually sat like this whenever they had one of their heart to hearts, but this time felt…different.

“Jackson…” She sighed, dreading what she was going to say next. “Are you ever going to be ready for a relationship with me?”

“A relationship…? I thought we were just coolin’,” He stared at her confused.

“We are. I tried to, anyway. I…I fell in love with you,” She felt extremely humiliated now, her true desire exposed. She hated how the words sounded once they left her mouth — she never planned on telling him this unless she was sure he would say it back. His eyes widened, and his mouth opened with surprise, clearly having difficulty figuring out what to say. Funny, she thought, he was usually so good with words.

“Past tense. Meaning, I have to move on. I don’t want to keep waiting, and I’m done sharing you with other women.” There. She said it.

“Look, ‘Nessa, you’re a great girl,” he said softy. “But I’m…not good for you. I don’t know if I would ever be ready for that. If we got together, I’d probably cheat, and I don’t want to do that to you.”

She narrowed her eyes and scoffed. How did he not realize how ridiculous he sounded? At least he was self aware enough to know he wouldn’t be able to be faithful — she could give him that.

“Do you think we could…still be friends?” He asked hopefully. After his honesty, she didn’t feel angry anymore. She didn’t feel anything — just complete numbness. The feelings she once felt for him seemed to shut off, like her heart flipped a switch.

“I’d like to. But to be completely honest, I don’t know.” Vanessa answered. They sat like that in silence for a few minutes, Jackson’s eyes filled with sadness. The state of him almost pulled at her heartstrings, but she needed to let go.

Vanessa stood up to say goodbye, and Jackson pulled her in for a hug. Against her better judgment, she kissed him. She wanted to savor the feeling of his lips, because she knew this would be the last time.

She exited the front door and didn’t look back, ready to unpause her life and find the right person…Wherever they were.