Memory Lapses

For a long time I knew who I was:

It wasn’t hard to remember my life, my story, my progress, my pain and success. 

I was sure I was a loyal friend, organised and determined worker, pleasant presence in people’s lives, a good influence, funny, charismatic, talented, destined for greatness, better than most but still humble. A good person with tiny forgivable flaws. 

I thought of myself as the sun. A God in human form, surrounded by plain people, cursed to live among them in order to develop empathy, that would serve me greatly after gaining my „prophesied“ success‘. I’m not kidding.

My childhood wasn’t perfect but there were a lot of people who had it worse than me so I was always grateful for what I had and didn’t complain. My family did the best they could. 

In our small town, in a country this reader probably hasn’t heard of, I grew up magically. Days full of wonder, joy, excitement, play, nature and friends. That’s what I remember most. 

I didn’t have to worry about anything, I’m an only child so everybody wanted to make my life as easy as possible. Truthfully, that made me a lazy youth. From that laziness grew entitlement, this is something I only see now. 

I don’t necessarily remember being entitled. I remember always having a justified reaction, justified response, taking justified action…Recently I’ve learnt to replace the word “justified” in my memory with “cruel”. That’s an actual true to life description of what I was back then. Unfortunately, it took me way too long to realise and digest it. To be honest, I don’t think I’ve done so fully yet, but I’m committed on walking that path. 

And on that same path, yesterday night, I met you:

The reality of my actions in the past, undoubtedly cementing my rotten nature. Proof of something I’ve done that I have no recollection of, no memory, nothing.

Have we met? Who are you? I don’t remember you. 

Am I really that bad, that dastardly and ignoble? I don’t remember that, I didn’t know that. 

If I’d have known I wouldn’t have had hope for a good, noble life, I wouldn’t have had faith in positive change and the inherent worthiness of myself. 

How do I pretend to believe I deserve help and love now? 

Why is my own brain betraying me by hiding and secluding this information from me? 

How do I trust it to provide reliable information on WHO. I. AM? 

I have nothing to stand on since I met you: 

It’s like I’ve been spilled into a strangers body and have to now, without any prior correct information about this person, fix all of their mistakes, untangle their grievances and traumas, get out of the hole they’ve dug for themselves. And im not a victim, I did those things. Things that are hurting my loved ones. I know I love them. I remember loving them but how could I claim that?

How do I claim anything about myself anymore?

I couldn’t possibly claim I know myself or that I would never do something, or to proclaim my love, even though I feel it and I know it’s there. I couldn’t possibly when my own memory of myself fails me so miserably… 

I’ve claimed many things, I’ve been sure in my words and they’ve turned out false again and again, now the love of my life thinks I’m lying and manipulating. I wasn’t trying to lie, I thought that was the truth. That’s all I remember. Perhaps I am actually manipulating and I don’t realise it? Or I’m crazy? Or I’m a bad person who’s not capable of anything but lying to others? It’s pitiful.

Who am I? How do I find out? It’s something only I would know and I don’t know it, I can’t be sure I know it. 

So yesterday I turned to God:

“Dear God, I can’t figure this out on my own and there’s no living person that’s able to help me. Please be beside me as a guide on my path, help me remember clearly and believe in myself. I am lost, please help me! Amen.”

And among all the chaos in my heart, a place of stillness and certainty that’s always been there opened up to me once again. It’s a little oasis that grounds me and gives me hope. It says „you’ve made mistakes but you can make everything better than before because you realised them.“

I am still confused and don’t see clearly, however I choose to have faith in God, in that place within me and in the feeling that somehow, at some point everything will turn out okay! 

It’s either that or madness but I prefer to go mad with hope than mad with fear. 

Call me crazy!

I’ve been estranged with my old self, my consciousness and narcissistic tendencies couldn’t handle the mere idea of remembering itself as bad or flawed. But now I’m at the cusp of grasping the realities of my mind and my choices.

The truth is, for this season of my life I don’t know who I am:

I can’t trust myself. But I choose to have faith in my ability to change and grow! Maybe that sounds cliche. But such things have become cliches for a reason. 

However improbable it may seem, friends, family, books and gurus on the internet assure me that a person needs and deserves the most help in their lowest moments, exactly at the points they feel the least deserving. I used to close off in those moments as to not become a burden and be pitted by my peers, I don’t do that anymore. I’m going to be a new me. I want to finally be sure in knowing myself.

im not the first and I won’t be the last, I have to remember that when the loneliness and isolation sets in. And maybe someday I can help someone avoid my mistakes.