The Willow Tree

As I walked through the gates, I became overwhelmed with emotion. What if she doesn’t remember what I look like? It has, after all, been several years since I last saw her. What if she doesn’t forgive me? The panic began to set in, my chest tightening. I felt like I couldn’t breathe.

“I can’t do this” I said to myself. I can’t bear to look into her innocent eyes and explain to her that I failed her.

Trying to calm down, I said to myself, “Breathe, Sandy, Breath”. The air entered my lungs and I felt my chest rising and descending. My heart slowly calmed its beating drum. I could feel the wind wrap around my body trying to hug my fears away. I focused on the sound of the birds singing as if they orchestrated a chorus for this reunion. I felt the sun’s kiss on my skin, filling my body with warmth, telling my body it is going to be ok.

           Opening my eyes, I swallowed my guilt, and pressed on. I could see her from a far. She was sitting on top of the hill in the grass looking out over the pond. Next to her, a large willow tree stood strong with its leaves trying to kiss the ground. The wind blew through the willows leaves and passed through her beautiful blonde hair. Her hair was as blonde as it used to be, before…I shook my head away from the negative thoughts and chose to admire this angelic moment.

           Tears began to fill my eyes as I thought back to when she was little. She had a smile that could light up the room and her laugh, oh that laugh! It was so innocent; she would laugh so loud the whole world could hear. I used to love how she would look at me like I was her hero. It was like she knew, no matter what, I would always be there for her. I would always protect her. Except, I didn’t.

           At last, I reached the top of the hill. I could smell her, she smelled just like she did when she was little. Being so close to her, I couldn’t help but have tears pour down my face like rain. Suddenly, she turned around. “

Mama? Mama! I’m so happy to see you Mama! Oh, I’ve waited so long for this moment.”

 I stood there speechless. Why is she so excited to see me? I failed her; I failed my little girl so many years ago. But there she was smiling that big beautiful smile of hers. She wrapped her arms around me and squeezed. Her head pressed into my chest. Bending down, I laid my head on hers and held her tight like I should have done all those years ago. I closed my eyes; her hair smelled like notes of lavender. My little girl I thought to myself, this is my little girl.

           She looked up at me again with that beautiful smile. I could see her face clearly and deep into those ocean blue eyes. I have missed those eyes. Those adorable freckles that were carefully placed on her cheeks. How I wished I could have seen her grow into the beautiful woman that stood before me. I tried to speak but my throat crackled my words.

She gave a little giggle and said, “I know Mama, it’s ok.”

I shook my head trying to get the words out because it was not okay. I tried again, and with a crackled voice I yelled out, “I’m sorry Olivia, I’m so sorry.”

 She stared at me confused.

 “I should have done more; I should have fought more.”

She shook her head, “You did everything you could. Now, stop it and tell me everything. What have I missed?”

           She was right, I had to tell her everything.

“Well you have a brother; his name is Joseph.” I said, “He’s grown now and has a baby of his own; a little girl named Olivia.”

She smiled so big, “Oh I love it! Tell me more.”

My eyes began to water, “Joseph has the same blue eyes as you.”

 I felt the guilt rise and buried my head into my hands. I felt the tears making puddles in the creases of my palm.

 “I never tried to replace you Olivia, please know that.”

 Olivia giggled and said, “I know mama, now tell me more.”

           I gave a little smirk, although she looked different, she is the same persistent little girl that I remembered.

With a slight laugh I said, “well your dad is the same goofy man he has always been.”

Laughing, Olivia asked, “are his jokes still bad?”

 I laughed so loud, “Oh yes! I know he would have loved to be here.”

She grabbed my hand and held it tight and said, “soon enough, Mama.”

I was surprised that I still had tears left but I managed to squeeze more out. Grabbing Olivia, I pulled her close to me and told her again.

 “I am sorry that I couldn’t protect you from it.”

She shook her head and smiled, she reached her arm up and wiped the tears from my face. She looked me in the eyes and said, “Do you want to know the great thing about where I’m going to take you Mama? You can be whoever you want to be, you can look like any best version of yourself, that’s why I look like this.” She smiled so big and said, “and there’s also no more pain, no more cancer!”

I smiled back at her with tears rolling down my face. “I have no more cancer, Mama and it was never your fault. I always felt your love and you always made me feel safe.”

That is exactly what I needed to hear. That I made her feel safe and that she knew that I loved her. She could see on my face that I was ready. Olivia stood up and reached her hand down to me. She truly looked like an angel with the willow tree blowing in the wind and the sun glaring around her.

Smiling, I grabbed her hand, and then she asked, “are you ready to go to heaven with me Mama?”