The Shit of Theseus

This is an honest to god true story. It was my 30th birthday and I was sitting alone on the third stool from the left at the bar of The Olive Pit. I was drunker than I should have been considering it was only 6:30pm, but a man only turns 30 once and I wanted to treat myself.

No, don’t admit that you were alone and that all your friends abandoned you.

This is an honest to god true story. It was my 30th birthday and I was sitting alone at the bar of The Olive Pit. Some friends were planning on meeting me there later. I’d had a few to drink, but I was handling them extremely well. There was a college football game on the big TV. Nebraska vs Ohio State. A group of people down at the end of the bar were fixated on the game, but I was fixated on the woman in the center of the group instead. She was wearing a gray hoodie with the word Huskers scrawled across the front in scarlet lettering. She looked so happy, so full of life. I stole as many glances as I could. She caught me once and my head snapped back to center so fast I practically got whiplash.

No, she didn’t catch you. That sounds creepy. She was looking at you too. There was mutual interest.

She was wearing a gray hoodie with the word Huskers scrawled across the front in scarlet lettering. She looked so happy, so full of life. I stole as many glances as I could, and the last time I looked over at her I saw that she was staring at me too. Our eyes met and she smiled. After a few seconds, I turned back to my now empty glass.

I flagged down the bartender and ordered a shot of Jameson and another pint of whatever it was I was drinking to wash it down with.

“I think you need to slow down, pal,” he told me. “I don’t want to have to cut you off.”

“Just the beer then.”

He raised an eyebrow.

“Last one,” I assured him.

No, fuck that guy. He made you look like a raging alcoholic or some shit.

I flagged down the bartender and ordered a shot of Jameson and another pint of whatever it was I was drinking to wash it down with.

“Of course, Johnny. But this round’s on me. As a happy birthday to you.”

“Such a gentleman, Sam. I appreciate it.”

He poured my Jameson and the pint, then a shot for himself. We clinked our glasses together, and sent them down our respective hatches in unison.

“I’ll be back, Sam. I gotta take a piss.”

No, that’s a crass thing to say.

“I’ll be back, Sam. I’m going to go break the seal.”

Too cute.

“I’ll be back, Sam. I need to use the bathroom.”

Better.

This is an honest to god true story. It was my 30th birthday and I was sitting alone at the bar of The Olive Pit. Some friends were planning on meeting me there later. I’d had a few to drink, but I was handling them extremely well. There was a college football game on the big TV. Nebraska vs Ohio State. A group of people down at the end of the bar were fixated on the game, but I was fixated on the woman in the center of the group instead. She was wearing a gray hoodie with the word Huskers scrawled across the front in scarlet lettering. She looked so happy, so full of life. I stole as many glances as I could, and the last time I looked over at her I saw that she was staring at me too. Our eyes met and she smiled. After a few seconds, I turned back to my now empty glass.

I flagged down the bartender and ordered a shot of Jameson and another pint of whatever it was I was drinking to wash it down.

“Of course, Johnny. But this round’s on me. As a happy birthday to you.”

“Such a gentleman, Sam. I appreciate it.”

He poured my Jameson and the pint, then a shot for himself. We clinked our glasses together, and sent them down our respective hatches in unison.

“I’ll be back, Sam. I need to use the bathroom.”

I stumbled off the stool and staggered to the bathroom.

No, stumbling and staggering makes you look like the kind of guy who would be alone on his damn birthday. No.

I slid off the stool and walked confidently to the bathroom. My eyes were half closed as I pushed against the wooden door, and then all the way closed once the halogen light from the bathroom assaulted me. I opened them just enough to find the urinal, them closed them again once the stream started.

No. What the fuck?! Open your eyes, asshole.

I slid off the stool and walked confidently to the bathroom. After settling into the closest urinal I masterfully emptied my bladder. Halfway through washing my hands, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and felt my stomach turn. My mouth filled with saliva.

No. No. A million times no.

I slid off the stool and walked confidently to the bathroom. After settling into the closest urinal I masterfully emptied my bladder. Halfway through washing my hands, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and admired the way 30 looked on me.

I exited the bathroom and walked towards the group of football fans by the end of the bar. On my way, I decided that talking to the beautiful woman in the Huskers hoodie was a necessity so I slowed down as I got close to her. For awhile she didn’t see me behind her, so I tapped her on her shoulder and she turned to me. She was even more beautiful up close than she was from across the bar. I opened my mouth to introduce myself and without warning my last five beers and three Jameson shots blasted up from my stomach and onto her gray sweatshirt.

No! Never admit that that happened. You are not that guy, especially if you are.

I exited the bathroom and walked towards the group of football fans by the end of the bar. On my way, I decided that talking to the beautiful woman in the Huskers hoodie was a necessity so I slowed down as I got close to her. She turned towards me as I settled behind her.

“What took you so long?” she asked with a wink. “I’m Kelly.”

“Johnny.” We shook hands, her long slender fingers enveloped in mine. “Would you make me the happiest man in The Olive Pit and come have a drink with me on my birthday?”

“Oh, I’d love to but I’m here with my friends and we all went to Nebraska and watch every single game together, and this is such an important game that I’d feel terrible leaving them right now, but maybe we can some oth…”

No! You can’t let her do you like that.

“What took you so long?” she asked with a wink. “I’m Kelly.”

“Johnny.” We shook hands, her long slender fingers enveloped in mine. “Would you make me the happiest man in The Olive Pit and come have a drink with me on my birthday?”

“Oh, well, I’d love to but I’m here with my friends and we all went to Nebraska and watch every single game together, and this is such an important game that I’d feel terrible leaving them right now but…”

“But?” I asked, pulling her hand towards me.

“But…having a drink with a handsome man like you would be worth it.”

Good. Keep it going.

We walked arm in arm to my spot at the bar. Sam, the sweetheart he was, already had two glasses of champagne waiting for us.

We sat down and sipped our bubbly, already madly in love. Sam rejoined us and told us a piece of important information.

“This is a little known fact, but bartenders like myself can actually marry couples. Would you two be interested in that?”

“Yes, of course we would,” Kelly and I said in unison. Everyone in the bar became our wedding guests. The entire Nebraska Cornhuskers football team walked through the door in full uniform and offered to be our witnesses. We stood on the bar with Sam and he pronounced us husband and wife.

They were all wrong. I did find love. I did find happiness. Good things can happen to people like me. I deserve it. I’m not a drunk. I’m not a fucking deadbeat. I can make my dreams come true if only I believe in myself.

“You may now kiss the bride,” Sam told me.

“Yeah, kiss her, man!” a Cornhusker urged.

I turned to her, put my hand on her face, and puked all over her sweatshirt.

No! No! Stop puking.

I turned to her, put my hand on her face and…wait, wait, wait. Fuck this. You want the honest to god story?

Don’t do this.

I’m alone at the bar of The Olive Pit, it’s my 30th birthday and everyone I texted about meeting me here either couldn’t be bothered or didn’t respond at all.

This doesn’t have to be you. Don’t let this be you.

I was drunk, and already cut off by the bartender. The woman in the Huskers hoodie complained about me leering. Sam gave me a final warning. In order to escape his judgmental gaze I staggered to the bathroom, took the longest piss of my life, and fought hard to keep my drinks down as I poorly washed my hands. I stumbled out of the bathroom and practically ran right into the woman in the hoodie. As we stood face to face I was taken aback at how beautiful she was, and how she smelled like roses, and how her hair bounced as she moved to avoid me. And just as I opened my mouth to tell her it was my birthday...

Do not.

…the door of The Olive Pit flew open and the entire Cornhusker football team filed in. This is the truth. They heard it was my birthday and wanted to come celebrate. The cheerleaders were there too and they performed a cheer for me.

“Gimme a J, gimme an O, gimme an H, gimme an N, gimme another N, gimme a Y! What does that spell? Johnny!!”

The woman in the Huskers hoodie - Kelly, she whispered in my ear - was so impressed that the team wanted to leave their game to celebrate my birthday that she spent the rest of the night with me at the bar, and even went home with me. In fact, she’s right next to me now in bed. I have to be quiet. I don’t want to wake her up.

Honest to god.

That shit happened.

Yes. Yes it did.