Confessions. Wanna listen?

Content Warning: Suicide attempt

The stars and moon look beautiful together. Uh...I'm sorry I know I'm being both crazy and wierd at the same time. Cause who's crazy enough to be awake at midnight looking through the window just to compliment stars and moon.

But some nights I'm just not able to sleep and looking at the night sky gives me some nostalgia cause no matter what my situation was I always looked up to the sky.

This is my escape and my solution.

Now I remember that I forgot to introduce my self to you.

Well me... I am a k-pop trainee in a company at Seoul. I am both appreciated and criticized for my dancing and singing skills. Some people love me and some...uh don't even want to see me but... well yeah all in all I have some value here.

However, 5 years back my situation wasn't even near to this, honestly. That time I was recovering from a heartbreak that my crush left the school and I knew I won't meet him anymore and the most unbearable thing ~ I can't even share that with anyone.

My parents would kill me if they knew I had a crush.

So after he was gone I went to the bathroom and cried cause after all he was my first love.

My heartbreak was accompanied by my lowering grades and my parents scold me a lot.

I didn't have any experience of a situation like this before and I wasn't even old enough to handle this I was just 10 years old.

So, I... tried to commit suicide . I took a blade and brought it near my wrist. You know what I felt? I felt butterflies in my stomach and that's when I realised I was not ready to die. Then I changed my mind, I made some cuts on my hand with it.

When my mom saw them on my hand she asked me how did I get hurt. I couldn't tell her I was trying to kill myself. So I told her I fell on the ground when I was playing but those cuts didn't look anything like that. They looked intentional . She still believed me and I really thank her for that.

Since then I was even more careful about not letting anyone know what's really going on in my life and in my mind.

I chose not to trust anyone and keep everything a secret my dreams, my pains and my thoughts even now no one knows about it except me.

In school, I wanted to do good but my grades were so stubborn that no matter what I do they won't go up.

I also lost a lot of friends but it was good cause they were all fake and seriously fake friends feel more like baggage than friends.

So, I had to enjoy everything alone. It was lonely but I chose it for myself, I shouldn't complaint.

I wanted to become a singer but I didn't sing so well. All these things made me feel more worthless. I left myself. I was upset from my own self. I hated myself. I couldn't torture myself physically cause people can see it. So, I used to demotivate myself I used to repeat all those negative words that I heard from others- " You're ugly, You're worthless, You're fat, You can't, If you think you can become a singer you're so wrong" .

I was convinced, I was very much convinced but there was something that would tell me that I'm lying to myself.

If I have a bit courage and stand by my self I can do it. But it was like a butterfly. I saw it with my eyes closed and when I opened my eyes it was gone but there was just colors left on my hand.

Like it was telling me to find it and I chased it madly. I wanted it cause it was so beautiful. I didn't know what I had to go through to reach it but it was all worth it.

I don't say that I hate all the people who made me feel bad but now I know them.

Now I know who I can trust.

The wind here feels good.

So, I'll let it all go with it. Not the memories they are too special to lose, but the hate and the pain I have been carrying all along.

I believe the wind is a better carrier than me and cause I all to it now I feel a lot free.

The night knows everything I shouldn't try to hide anything from it and I hope it will be silent like always.

I had been running since a long time. I feel like I need rest but where I am right now is not my destination I don't even know how far that is.

I have too many doubts about my future but I keep moving forward cause I still that butterfly in my dreams. Time changed, people changed, situations changed things keep getting harder sometimes I lose patience and sometimes I lose breath but I keep going on. I love what I do but as I spend more days the more questions I find in my mind. But now I believe in my self I don't hate myself and I have confidence that if I try I can

I ask what's next, does it have an end. Maybe...not it's endless like love. It hurts sometimes a lot. It made me leave my comfort zone ,leave my place , leave my past behind.

When I have it I don't fear anything. If someone asks me will I ever give cause it's too hard then I'll say

I am never gonna give up on it.

We have talked a lot now I gonna go nd try to sleep.

I hope you were not bored of it. Anyways it's life and things happen we should learn from it. No?