Long-awaited Words

At his bedside, looking down at the cadaverous bulk, everything that he once put you through, starts flowing like a river of random scenes. How would they say it? Your life flashes before your eyes like a film strip, right? With only one slight difference, though. It was nowhere near being a movie but indeed was too real. All those nightmares, all those dark times, all those scenes that you were subjected to… And all that pain that came with and followed even after many years did not help it all. You are shaking your head to come back to the current reality that lies before you. How fragile it looks now, doesn’t it? The once-so-terrifying body of his is now only skin and bones. One could even think that he was not alive at all if it were not for the merely visible up and down movement of the sheet and the regular beeping of the machine, indicating that he, although faintly, is still breathing.

When you woke up today, it was, however, just a normal day like any other day before. As always, you are the first one to wake up. You look at the bed to see that the quilt has slipped down almost entirely off the bed leaving your bodies uncovered. Hence the chill. He must have been cold, too. You get up, walk around and reach out to the quilt to cover him. Let him sleep for a while until you get the coffee ready. He is probably needing it after that night of yours anyway. You smile softly while looking at him before you slip on a cardigan while heading towards the kitchen. Having breakfast together, especially having boiled-egg fights like two little kids, has been one of the things you enjoy the most in the mornings for a long time now. You both know that he wins almost all the time but it became so traditional that accidentally forgetting and cracking your egg to peel it would be subjected to a funny sanction that the other may deem suitable. With a smile on your face, you turn on the coffee machine. But as the machine starts filling up your cup with coffee, the phone rings. It is not ordinary for you to receive any phone calls at such an early hour. But you try to not let the pile of bad scenarios that you feel start gathering immediately, enter your head while you are walking towards the phone with a frown and curiosity on your face. A voice deep inside you says not to pick it up. But, you decide to ignore it. You pick up the receiver but only to remain silent first. “Hannah Connelly?” says the woman on the other side of the line. You listen to the rest what she says, almost fully abstractedly and without saying one single word. The moment you heard his name, you have been already drifted apart. The beeping of the coffee machine brings you back to the moment. At the same time, you hear the voice on the phone asking “Are you there, madam?” Yes, yes, you are sorry. What was the name of the hospital again?

You have been looking out of the window, with the coffee that you barely sipped in your hand for almost half an hour now but do not seem like you have decided what to do. Should you go? After all those years of trying to erase all those memories, are you ready to face the reason for your worst nightmares in the past? Now that you have finally set up a stable life, found what you can finally call peace of mind, what if you unlock the chest that you hid those dark memories of yours? You quickly wear something, scrawl a quick note; “I got to go. Will be back soon. Love you, H.”, grab the car keys, your purse and head out.

What were you thinking when you decided to set off? Was it the probability that you might never be able to see him again? But wasn’t it what you have always wanted? Why did you not hang up as soon as you hear his name? How the hell could they find your contact number anyway? Besides, why did they call you? Where was the woman whose sake he sacrificed all your happiness for, the one who he cherished, spent all his time with at the cost of stealing from the time he should have been spending with you? Why did they tell you that they could only call you? Even if it's the case, why are you going? Are you doing the right thing? Is that what you really want?

299, 230, 231. And there it is: The room number “232”. Are you really sure? Are you really ready to see him? Or what might seem like him after all these years? Will you ever be able to recognize each other anyway? Are you… Without any further question flooding your mind you push the door handle down and slowly open the door. You see the end of the bed and a silhouette of feet under the sheet. You still have not seen him. He has probably not seen you either. So you still have time to close the door and leave him behind forever, like you once were so determined to do. No one will know, but you. No, that is not you. You won’t let something you started go without finishing it. You need to do it. You take a step forward, slowly. But what is that gut-wrenching pressure on your chest?

You take another step. And another one. Why has your heart suddenly started beating so fast?

Another one. Now you can see the rest of the bed. What is that tightening on your throat? Is he really worth to that one single teardrop now sliding down and burning your cheek as it passes?

You reach his bedside. You wipe the wet trail that single teardrop left behind and take a deep breath. There he lies. The once-so-terrifying body, now only skin and bones. Are they really these weak, skinny hands that left marks on that tiny little body back then? How strange years are. While healing wounds of one, drains all the strength out of another. 

You take out from your pocket the letter that the nurse gave you. Folded in two. Indeed, what had she said? The neighbors found him lying unconsciously on the street in front of his shack. He had nothing but a half-full package of cigarettes and only a letter in his pocket. He has always been smoking a lot, you think. They could do nothing but asking the hospital to reach you as the only immediate family member since they knew he has been long abandoned by the woman as soon as she had the right to manage his assets transferred to her after she learned his fatal disease. So she was really after nothing but his wealth. Too bad that he chose to share all his happiness only with her and give you nothing but pain instead, you think.

Once again you shake your head to drift yourself out of the thoughts. You need to remember why you actually came here for. For all those years you have been telling yourself that you were not angry with him, that he built nothing for you that he could break when he left. Nor any space he could leave behind to make you feel empty in your heart; you thought all was well. Only until you met Peter. Once a sufferer like you, he had finally made you face the reality that you knew deep inside all along but avoid confessing yourself. "Just say it," you silently reminded yourself. You knew you'd regret it if you didn't.

“I forgive you, dad.” You say out loud, knowing that this will be the first and the last time you call him “dad” and you mean it. “For all of my nightmares night after night, for all those days I could not get a sound sleep as a kid, for all those times I had trust issues growing up, even now, as a grown-up woman. I could never trust a man enough to let him into my life for years. I always had the fear of losing anything or anyone that I might ever love. Because I always blamed myself as a kid for you leaving us and I have always been afraid of making a mistake for the rest of my life.  Although I had been telling myself that I actually have forgiven you, that had I let it go, that I had no feelings for what you hat put us through, I was lying. I forgive you for everything. I let you go.”

You take one last look at the envelope that reads “To my daughter” on the face. You slowly lean forward to leave one last kiss on his forehead and leave the letter without opening it to his bedside table before you leave. 

You get out of the hospital. You look up to the sky, close your eyes, and take a deep breath. It is a warm, beautiful day. You take your cell phone out of your purse and dial Peter's number. He sounds like he has just woken up. Great. So you can still enjoy breakfast together. "Good morning, baby. It is a beautiful day. Let's enjoy it outside. See you in half an hour, bye! Oh, Peter, wait. I want you to know how much I love you."