Do you have pen ............

The crowd has a life of its own, the people move like enchanting shoals of fish . It was the time of spring festival, in park there is a chatter between buyer's and sellers.

I sat on handcrafted unoccupied wooden bench, Everyone around me were content, cheerful, fortunate but inside me certain emotions were talking too loudly neither did the crowd hear them nor did they hear crowd voice, so they did not shut up. Inside me their was like a continuous tornado of guilt rising of why.. Why I didn't understand?? 

Everyone was keen in celebrating the festival but I was continusoly trying to some how shut the noise that are inside me but all my attempts fail, that day for the first the I realised how loud the scream of silence really are and yet nobody are able to hear you .

It's the story of my 9th grade..... 

My dad has currently transfer to bejjin and I got admission in the bejjin school.

It was the first day of my in that school although I got accustom by changing the school, so I wasn't excited nor nervous. 

I introduced myself , there was an empty seat on the second last row , I settled myself , abruptly a dulcet voice came into existence do you have pen? (it was the voice of my desk mate han shang ) for the fraction of seconds I was thinking how can someone without knowing the another person ask for something.  

( we started talking to each other and become friends and later on become best friends ,we started sharing our secrets ,problems, triumph, joy....... Asking pen is trick of han shang to start a talk with someone) 

But my life is like a rollercoaster ride ,if there is up so it has down too .

I was walking in the school corridor as usual, but that day I find some thing weird. The reason was that some one has stick a paper "I have killed my mother " . I was in draze , at that time I remember the only person who knows about it was han shang.  

I still get goosebumps when I recall that day, I was shivering and angry to death. That day I broke up with him and started ignoring him, I change my seat, my habits as well as myself too...... 

After some days ............

When I was passing out I eavesdrop the two bays chat "thank god, he didn't know I was the one who stuck that paper.... " 

Another boy said so that is true that he killed his mom? No it was just an accident, but I enjoyed when they fought with each other. "the best friends ".........

By listening this I ran towards him (han shang) and hug him(tears were at the edge of my eyelashes) . I'm sorry.... I'm... Sorry.. Please.. Please forgive me. (In a playful voice hanging shang) Do you have pen........ 

During spring festival I gone the his house ,the house was decorated beautifully, cheerful voices coming from outside, it was the night time, after my mom's death , Me and my dad rarely celebrate the springs festival together . After so many years I burst the firecracker, I smile the fullest . It's like han shang brought the colours in my life, he was the fortune of mine life.  

Years past ,we change our majors.. I wanted to become a doctor to save the live of people and he wanted to become a sketcher to bring the world in the tip of pencil. Although we use to communicate with wechat and all... 

After 4 years ,

I got an offer to do internship in USA, city change, people change and aslo friends too . Han shang used to wrote letters, whenever I get time I used to reply it.. 

Today in morning, I got a call from bejiin hospital, the call was regarding han shang. He was admitted there for 1 years . He has Schizoaffective and autophobhia . Tomorrow at 3:45 am he committed suicide..... 

His parents die when he was 22 years old in a car accident ,his mother save him by grabbing him tightly but both his parents died in it , after that he has a struggling life and after struggling for so many years alone he finally decided to end this painful story ............

By looking at his stuff I found some un post letter which us writing times ago and in all the letters the recipient name was mine. I open one letter which was written 2 months ago 

Letter : You know I keep recalling the time when I was ridding my bike with you, wondering around. I think of us skipping class going to the park, sitting in the handcrafted wooden bench by eating your favorite chocolate chip ice-cream, I started yawning when you were playing puzzles. I feel upset when I think of all this. There are so many words in my heart, but I won't get the chance to tell you anymore. Under the sky I often alone standing in the corner watching the sun come and go . All the other inmates have their own social circle they spend their exercise, time and meal together but I prefer to be alone. I keep telling myself I am okay . However when the spring comes, I'm still little upset. Say there will be miracle one day, we could turn the clock back or relive our life, we could lie down on the grass together again, let the grass tickle our necks, let us get drenched of the smell of the grass. Do you think that day will come? 

(At the park) 

Although I cannot do anything , I couldn't be a good friend of yours, saying sorry couldn't make any sense.......... but I want to say please forgive me....... .

Special note : We always dreams that, if our life's could restart at some particular point and change something than we can make everything completely different , but life is not a cassette full of songs, we can't go back to starting point, not anywhere we want......... There is no fast-forward in our life , we can't go backwards either, Nor is their a pause button...............

 Things that had happened won't change, luckily the future has infinite possibilities . Correct your mistake and forgot the bad memories, you got one life , make it count.