I Guesss We All Have To Face it Sometime

She sat on the park bench with her long hair blowing all over the place in the wind, feeling dazed. She pushed it back off her face and held it in her one hand while trying to get her bag open. The zip was stuck again ‘how many times have I meant to sort that zip out?’ she thought. Then just as the metal teeth connected and the bag opened, it fell onto the grass in front of her.

“I’ll get it love” a kindly old lady said to her, bending down and picking up the big leather bag “It’s so awkward when you’ve only got one hand”.

“Thank you” she said to the old lady quietly and then for some reason added “Would you like to sit down next to me?”

“Oh, ok I will. I haven’t got long but it will be good to take the weight off my feet” she said looking down at her old brogue shoes. “I’ve been traipsing around the shops for quite a while”

Jenny put her hair into a ponytail with the elastic band she had taken out of her bag and then placed that on the other side of her and sat staring into space.

“Are you on your lunch hour love?” the old woman asked, not quite knowing what to talk about. She didn’t seem the nosey kind but was curious as to why this girl who was sitting here and looking sort of sad had asked her to sit down too.

It wasn’t a busy park as it was just that much further out from town. A handful of workers would come here to eat their lunch, but mostly to get away from everyone in the office, not talk but just eat and collect their thoughts.

“No” Jenny answered after a little while “I had a day off today but I had to come into town to do something”.

Then the old lady broke the silence again with a statement.

“I used to come and sit in this very park when I was a working girl, now that’s going back a few years” the woman laughed. “A lot of water under the bridge since then I can tell you!”

The overhanging branch of the tree behind them swayed back and forwards in the breeze, the slight ‘whooshing’ sound giving a calming effect, if not hypnotic. Tiny brown nuts fell down in front of their feet looking like popcorn kernels.

“Peaceful isn’t it” Jenny said suddenly to the woman

“Oh it’s lovely. I need this after what I have waiting for me at home” and before Jenny could make a comment, if she was even going to, the woman continued “My son and his three children are living at mine for a while – they are having renovations done to the house. It’s all very hectic I can tell you”

Stillness fell over the two women and they were left with their own thoughts, then Jenny spoke “What about your daughter in law. Is she at your house too?”

“Oh she passed away two years ago. Very sad indeed but that’s life, isn’t it?” she said looking at the younger woman next to her as if wanting an answer.

But all Jenny said was “Yes”.

“What about you love?” she asked Jenny “Children?”

“A girl and a boy” she answered. “Annie is five and Josh is seven”.

“Oh that’s nice. They are good ages for doing a bit for themselves, especially the seven year old. The youngest of my son’s three children is only two and a half, so still quite a handful. And that makes me think that I’d better get off on home before all hell breaks loose. I had to leave them in the care of my sister while I went out, and quite honestly she’s useless. I hate to think what the house looks like”.

Jenny wasn’t really concentrating on what the woman was saying as all she could think about was herself and her situation, so when the older woman said “I’m off now love. Take care. Bye”,  she said

“Oh you’re going. I just need to ask you one question if that’s ok?”

“What’s that love?”

“Do the children miss their mother?”

“Pardon?” she asked Jenny, not understanding at first what she meant.

“After their mother died” Jenny said - “your grandchildren”.

“Oh yes of course they do. The six year old asks constantly if he will see mummy in heaven when he dies. It breaks my heart”.

As the old woman walked off towards the bus stop she wondered why the young woman had asked that, “Strange. I wonder if she’s thinking of leaving her husband and the kids. She did seem down in the dumps” she said out loud.

Last night at Josh’s basketball game, sitting with her best friend, laughing and cheering on their boys she never thought that today she would feel so scared and unsure about her future. She had a tight knot of fear in her stomach, and didn’t know what she would say to anyone. How do you tell your friends and family that you might not be here for too much longer? She asked herself.

She was the type of person who loved to get back to the sanctuary of her house when she wasn’t at work, stroll around her garden kicking off her shoes and walking around bare footed in her old tee-shirt but now she didn’t even want to go home.

‘How can your life change so drastically in just one day?’ she thought ‘I can’t believe this is real’

Yesterday Jenny had spoken at the weekly meeting at work, discussing the next three months and how much profit the company was expected to make, working on the spreadsheet for quite a few nights after work, just wanting it to be correct and easy to understand. She had rushed home from the meeting to quickly change, grab a sandwich and take her son to basketball.

Now what did it matter to her how much profit the company made?

Last week she and John had gone out to the movies and then dinner to celebrate their wedding anniversary and talked lovingly about the happy marriage they had forged and their future together, the children, making plans for the years ahead.

She even thought that the most serious thing her specialist would tell her was that the headaches were migraines, so severe though, that she would be on medication for the rest of her life. And she was ok with that. She had friends who had to take tablets for different reasons.

 She imagined that she would go home, vowing to eat better, not as many ‘fast foods’ after late meetings, to go to bed earlier, never bring work home, join a gym and learn to relax….

 ‘But I won’t be doing those things. It wouldn’t make any difference now because it’s probably too late. She told herself feeling the enormity of what she had been told. ‘I wonder if this is just a dream. She pinched her arm, once, twice, three times, her thighs, and her cheeks. It’s not a dream. I’m going to die before I’m old. I’m not ready to leave my children, my husband. What about my mum?’

Jenny began to cry. At first little tears slid down her cheeks and she brushed them away with her sleeve. She took a tissue out of her bag and blew her nose. But as the thoughts took over in her mind, the floodgate of grief opened and she began to cry loudly, big sobs taking her breath away.

A few people walking past her sitting on the bench looked, not knowing whether to ask what was wrong or not. It wasn’t every day you saw someone sobbing uncontrollably in the park.

“Mummy why is that lady crying?” a little girl asked her mother and she replied “I don’t know sweetie, perhaps her dog died” hoping this would stifle her curiosity.

It did seem to satisfy the youngster as she skipped towards the swings without another glance at the sobbing lady.

All of a sudden a shadow fell on Jenny and she looked up to see a middle aged woman standing in front of her.

She suddenly felt embarrassed and wiped her eyes and cheeks with her tissue.

“I don’t mean to intrude but you do seem rather upset and I was wondering if there is anything I can do?” she asked kindly

“Oh no it’s ok” she said in between sniffing and gulping. “It’s just some bad news” she blurted out uncontrollably, so out of character for the private Jenny.

“Would you like to talk or can I give you a lift home?” the older woman continued feeling the urge to wrap her arms around Jenny and hug her like she would do her own daughters.

“No thank you. My husband is picking me up any minute” Jenny lied.

“As long as you are alright then?” said the retreating woman.

She knew that she would have to ring John and get him to pick her up – there was no way she could make her own way home. At least the children were still at school. She had stopped the crying but her head was throbbing.

‘I hope he isn’t cross with me for not telling him I had the appointment’ she thought taking some deep breaths.

When the receptionist rang and told her that Dr Fuller would like to see her immediately a couple of weeks ago it hadn’t sunk in that it could be serious. She thought maybe he was heading off on holidays and wanted to see his patients ASAP.

Saying there were some shadows on the scans of her head “but that could be anything” he sounded reassuring as if he was telling her there were some stains on her blouse, but ‘they would come out’.

 He made an appointment with the specialist for her there and then. “I’ll need to check my diary at home before I commit to that date” she had said to her doctor, to which he replied “You are going on that day Jenny, it’s the earliest I could get”.

That morning at the doctors, he had asked her if John was coming in for her appointment too when she walked into the surgery room, and she had made a joke of it saying to Doctor Fuller “John hasn’t come to an appointment with me since I had babies!”

As she was leaving the surgery rooms her doctor called out and asked her “You are taking John with you next week?”

But she hadn’t and now as she sat emotionally drained and dishevelled on the bench, she wished she had of.

Jenny rang her husband and asked him to pick her up in the park. At first he was a bit puzzled as she never asked him to pick her up when he was at work. “I’ve been to see the specialist and I need you here” and then started to cry again.

He knew then that it couldn’t be good. Jenny was such an independent and positive person so for her to ask for John to get her and then actually cry made his own heart skip a beat. He dropped everything he was doing in the office and drove to pick his wife up.

“Why didn’t you tell me about today?” He was feeling quite angry inside, but not wanting to show it.

As they sat in their lounge at home John could see that his wife was shaken and shocked by the results. To be told that the position and size of the numerous tumours would make it an extremely difficult operation, with no guarantee of a good outcome, was devastating for both of them.

“I asked him how long I had and of course he told me that he couldn’t tell me because he isn’t God but would be reviewing the scans and would tell me more at the next appointment. He did say he has a patient who had the same type of brain tumours that I have and it was diagnosed twelve years ago and after numerous operations he is still alive”. She looked at her husband and could see the anguish on his face.

“That’s positive” was all he said.

“John I just want to see the children grow up. I don’t want to die while they are young. What will they do without me? When Annie’s older she’ll need me for acne problems, periods, boys and all that stuff and Josh is so sensitive and he won’t get my cuddles when he’s upset. I always rub his hair or scratch his back and I’m scared for them, and I don’t want to leave them or you John or anyone”. Her voice was getting higher and higher, almost as if hysteria was forming under the surface….

“Hey Jenny…calm down. We don’t know anything. Where’s the woman who tells me to ‘get a grip mate’ when I’m getting stressed about everything? You are my leveller, the person I need in my life. It’s been a shock for both of us. It’s emotionally draining. You will feel better about it tomorrow after an early night. I promise”.

John held out his hand and she took it – he stroked her fingers and sighed. “You will survive this. I know you will. You’re strong, fit, well used to be fit!” and at this they actually laughed out loud together. And then he continued “anyway, let’s just wait and see after the next visit in a week or so when they give us options and answers. Let’s try not to dwell on it for the kid’s sake, eh love? And I was thinking that we don’t tell the kids until we know what is happening for sure. What do you say to that?”

“Yes, I think that’s a good idea “she replied tiredly “We’ll pick them up from school and go and get an ice-cream”.

Jenny decided not to tell anyone else until after the next specialist visit. She couldn’t be bothered telling family and work colleagues until she knew more. The prospect of everyone feeling sorry for her, asking questions and hugging her constantly didn’t appeal…and the rivers of tears that her mum and sister would shed…. it would be too much too soon. It was only a week until the specialist’s visit, which this time John would be coming to. She quite often didn’t see her family for a few weeks at a time so that would work.

It wasn’t easy pretending that life was just fine and dandy. At work she wasn’t going to get an award for her acting! - She was asked a few times if she was ok. “You’re very quiet Jenny – everything ok?” “Just a bit tired” she replied.

Meanwhile at one desk a couple of the women were discussing what they thought “Are Jenny and John ok? I’ve never seen her like this, withdrawn and quiet. She looks pale too”.

“Could be she’s staving off another migraine, she’s had a few lately. She and John are great, they complement each other”.

Even her daughter had picked up on the fact that Jenny didn’t seem to have much of an appetite. “Are you on a diet again Mummy?” Annie asked.

A week later it was the day. “Let’s leave at 9 this morning Jen, just to make sure we get there early and find a park, alright with you?”

She felt very nervous and had anxiety in her stomach but replied “Great, wouldn’t want to be late” s with a false laugh.

Meanwhile an hour earlier at the specialist’s rooms, Jenny’s bearer of either good or bad news was talking to one of his colleagues. He was having another look at his first patient of the day’s scan results.

“Not a good start to the day - first patient has to be told that the prognosis is less than six months to live even with an operation, young too with a family. This is the only part of my job I hate”.

As Jenny and John walked towards the building, John turned to his wife and told her “When we are one day celebrating our fiftieth wedding anniversary, lying on the white sand on a dessert island in the tropics, this will all be just a faded memory.

“I’ll keep that in mind” and she squeezed her husband’s hand tightly.