Playing Family Roulette

"Oh, you're up sweetheart! Fabulous, let's go. I'm taking you out to party today!" 

"What? Mom, I got to go to school!"

“Come on, it's Freedom Day, darling! I just can't take this lockdown anymore, I need to get out of this house!”

"Well do go, then. Just go without me."

"The GCSEs are over, Josh, what’s left to study? You're always busy, always so caught up in your books, you always find an excuse not to spend time with your own mother!” 

Josh wanted to roll his eyes and tell his mother just how unreasonable she was being. How silly this all sounded, especially coming from a parent to her child. We were on for another classic tantrum, ladies and gentlemen.  

"Fine. You got it. Where do you wanna go anyway?"

"Aunt Margot and the cousins are going to town today, we’re meeting them there!"

"They're shopping on a Monday morning? Don't they have a job or a school to go to?"

Josh realised he had gone too far. His mother stood still, looking at him sharply. The excitement, the fake joy, the faux casual tone, it was all just a show. He could have almost believed it. He wanted it to be true, to hope there was actual space for joy in his mother’s mind. But now the actor had stripped off her clothes and got off the stage. She had began walking down the stairs back into her dark thoughts. Josh felt like he was dealing with a completely different person suddenly. The silence oppressed him.

"You're just ruining it all. I'm leaving. Just go to school. I'll see you at dinner."

As usual, Josh was left with a sensation he was only too familiar with as his mother gauged him. That old, pernicious kind of friend you wish you could do without but can’t help going back to. Guilt. Exactly like a smoke addict. The guilt of feeling he was letting his mother down. Of not being the son she wished him to be. And with the fear of being rejected in his own home as was the case every time he did or said something that didn't quite please his family.   

In fact, he had surprised himself that morning. Saying exactly what was on his mind wasn't exactly Josh's strong point. How can one afford to be vocal when the only people he can rely on are the very ones who silence him? As he would be going to university in September, he could have tried and be his own man. Be himself in his own house for once. He could have told his irresponsible mother that school had always been his shelter against her. The place where he could be himself, embrace what he was passionate about and not be sorry for it. That the last thing he wanted to do in the world was to go and mingle amongst frenzied, maskless crowds looking for the same liberation as his mother, while he could be learning and preparing for college next year. For if he caught the virus, who would possibly care for him?

He could have told her. But he was soon haunted by the thought he would still be living with her next year as no one in his family wanted him gone too far from home. As his best enemy took over his heart, he said what he was used to saying most instead.

"Fine. I'll go with you." 

His mother gave him a triumphant smile.

"I'll be in the car. You have three minutes."  

In the car, Josh already felt uncomfortable. He was worried about the excuse he would have to give the school to justify his absence today. Surely “out on a forced trip with my mom on Freedom Day” wouldn’t quite make it. He felt his mother's disapproving gaze over his shoulders. He knew she was fuming because he was wearing a mask inside the car. How many times he had been told off for it he couldn't quite remember over the course of the entire lockdown. His mother was all but careful when it came to restrictions. ”Nobody can take my freedom away” summed up the whole family’s motto pretty well. 

"You're not gonna wear this ridiculous mask when you talk to your cousins, are you?"

"Depends. Did they get the vaccine?"

His mother scoffed. 

"Gosh -you're obsessed! We're gonna be outside. There's no harm in that." 

Josh would have told her everything about the risks when it came to crowds but she didn't care for medical papers. It was just another one of Josh's ridiculous obsessions. Why couldn't he read comic books like the other boys?

"Margot, darling, there you are! Oh my god, how long has it been?"

"I know! They’ve locked us up inside like animals!”

"Well said, sister! I told Josh there's no way he was going to school today. So much to do! Come on, kiddos, give me a kiss."

Josh scoffed internally. His mother and her sister had been seeing each other on a regular basis throughout the lockdown and cared little about being caught. They hadn't seemed daunted by the prospect of potentially infecting their children -they were so young after all, if they caught it they'd barely feel anything at all anyway. The good thing was they had married people with similar views as theirs. Or else...

"What's goin' on with your hair? You look weird," his younger cousin asked. 

"What? Wh-"

"He's right, Joshie. What are you waiting for, Samantha? Can’t you take him to the hairdresser's?"

"Oh, you know how he is. He won't go anywhere because he's so scared of this silly virus. It's a miracle he’s come out of his den, today."

Not like you forced me, Josh thought to himself.  

"Well, I am missing school for sure."

"Oh come on, it's just a few days before the holidays. Everyone knows teachers don't give a damn about the job especially after the exams. What can be more fun than shopping with family!"

But Josh adored his school and his teachers, who had absolutely nothing to do with the patronising way his aunt always talked about them. She just had no idea what she was talking about, and he was dying to tell her just that. He had tried many times in the past, but he had long realised there was no way to change his family's views, and they couldn’t care less about his views. All that mattered was for him to be a good boy, always there for them whenever they needed him. 

A whole bunch of his teachers had actually been very active in trying to help him prepare for university. His Biology and Chemistry teachers had been deeply disappointed when Josh had told them there was no way his family would allow him to go to the college they had suggested for him. They had tried very hard to convince his parents to let him go. They had even come to knock on their door after trying calling them on the phone without the family ever returning their calls. They had told them about Josh's impressive skills and potential, and how he would become a star in his field if only he could be sent to an environment where he could thrive. But his parents had declined, saying they would think about it as they were walking them to the door, and then stormed off to the kitchen where Josh was anxiously sitting before receiving the biggest tongue-lashing of his life. What had to be so wrong with his family for him to want to go away?

Josh got bored the second they entered the mall. All these people bashing shoulders with one another, looking for the best deal that would make their life feel better for a few minutes, Josh couldn't understand it. He kept thinking about his Chemistry teacher who would be wondering why on earth he hadn't turned up for the lab experiment she was supposed to show him at lunch. His heart sank at the thought of disappointing her. He spotted a bookshop and told his mom he would be waiting for them in there. 

"What? What’s wrong with you, boy? We’re out as a family after months and you can't even be bothered to spare an hour with us? You're coming to the store. Look at him Margot, I don't know whether he's actually slipped out of this shirt since the lockdown started. Everyone must think I'm a terrible mother just by looking at him!"

"Your mom's right. Come on, boy. Time to get you some new clothes."

Josh had to give credit to his aunt for at least one thing -just like her sister, she had a real talent to make his blood boil. Not long ago, when his parents had brought up the story of those two schoolteachers who had had the nerve to come tell them how to educate their son, she had thought it wise to simply close off the debate with one of her classic, finely elaborated ideas.

"Sure, send him to college on his own! Wait for just a month and he'll be coming back home drunk every night. Everyone knows that's what they do when they go out together."

That surely had settled at least one debate in Josh's mind. It had helped him figure out that his family really had no idea who he was inside. He wasn't interested in getting drunk in a million years. He enjoyed the company of his small group of friends whom he never really had the chance to bond properly with. For how does one do that when your emotional energy is constantly used up by your own family. The only way he had managed to keep them happy -if there really was such a thing- was by being a top student for as long as he had gone to school. He had thrown himself into studying from the earliest age. It hadn't been difficult to figure out that in spite of its own flaws, school certainly was an environment where he was in control. And it couldn't have pleased his teachers more -at least in that world he was sure to get some validation. To feel like after all, he was worth something somewhere for some people. His family had spent seventeen years telling all sorts of strange stories about him to friends and other family members that had confused Josh to the core. Was he really the awful person they were claiming he was? 

He followed them to the store reluctantly. Unfortunately, they didn't even have the same tastes. His cousins would always go for the showy outfit designed by expensive brands, something his mother pushed him for as well. It was trendy, she would say, and Josh was just being silly for not liking it. They would argue over a dress, a pair of pants and just about anything, and Josh would end up letting her pick exactly what she wanted for him as he knew his reputation of spoiled child would catch up with him shall he say no. 

Josh was getting tired. Emotionally tired. He couldn't believe he was wasting all this time with people who barely acknowledged his presence. He was dreading the moment he would check his emails in the night. The Chemistry teacher would have probably written, asking if he was alright, and updating him with the latest lesson unit. She was well aware Josh literally never skipped a school day, not even when he was sick.

"I'm starving, shall we grab a bite to eat? There's a band playing at the pub at 1pm. If we hurry we can still make it!"

Josh was stunned. His mother had promised they would get home for lunch. He had begged her not to go eat indoors as infection rates were still so high. But things were utterly different when she was with her sister. There was no disappointing his dominating aunt. Family always came first, as they say. 

As the cousins had gone off to look at another shop, Josh pulled his mother aside and reminded her of the promise she had made earlier that day. As expected, she had no intention to change her mind. The second Josh had finished his speech, she went off to complain about him to her sister. Aunt Margot clearly shared her sister’s frustration. 

"This is a free country, boy. Who do you think you are to tell us how we should live?"

Josh had nearly got used to his family's menacing tone over the years. But this time he felt like the earth was collapsing under his feet. His mother hadn't said anything. She was just standing by her sister in all manners. He was the weird boy who wanted to be extra careful, and they were the cool guys who wanted to have fun. He would have to be the one giving in. And for a short moment, he almost did. 

"I'll just wait for you here, then." And he went to sit on the bench right by the end of the street. 

The family was gobsmacked. Josh felt like laughing nervously at their faces. They looked exactly like astonished cartoon characters. Then it was time for the public tongue-lashing, as you may imagine. In the end, they decided he should wait all alone if that’s what he wanted. There was no reason to ruin their afternoon. And so off they went, his mother glancing at him over her shoulder with a brazen contempt. 

His legs just wouldn't stop shaking. He bit his nail so hard he started bleeding. An absolute turmoil was raging inside him. What had he done? His mother would never want to talk to him again. He would get the silent treatment from the whole family. The fragile peace he had somewhat managed to preserve for himself at home had just vanished in those three seconds. He buried his head in his hands trying to ignore the flow of angst that overwhelmed him. 

"Hey, is that you, Josh?"

He barely heard the woman as he was trying to deal with the destructive voices in his head. When he finally looked up, he spotted his Chemistry teacher pacing up towards him, looking concerned. 

"Hey, what's going on? You look like you've seen a ghost." 

So Josh told her everything, and how he was so terribly sorry he had never turned up for their lunch session. 

"Well, I'm off this afternoon. Since we're both here, why don't we get a sandwich and I can tell you all about the experiment?" 

And so they did. Josh finally felt like himself again. In the right environment, he felt everything but a failure. All of his self-destructive thoughts disappeared. He was Josh, the kind, clever, sensitive boy everyone liked him for at school. He became fascinated by the experiment his teacher had been telling him about, and she invited him to join her and the Biology teacher after school the next day to discuss the results. And then, reality kicked in again. 

His mother paused in the middle of the street when she saw them chatting on the bench. She exchanged an outraged look with her sister who had figured out it must be that teacher who poked her nose in everyone's business. Josh was wondering whether they would pretend they hadn't seen them, hoping he would be the one to make his way towards them, as he should. But he didn't, relishing the company of someone normal before walking back into the lion's cage. Eventually, they came to pick him up without even greeting his teacher, claiming they were in a hurry to go home.

Josh thanked his teacher warmly for the great time he'd had and followed his mother to the car. He knew it would be a painful journey back home. He became anxious again, and promised himself he would try not to respond until he'd be free to go to his room, pretending not to be hungry to avoid more nerve-wracking confrontation with both his parents. He couldn't imagine how life at home would be bearable now that he had publicly embarrassed his mother. He felt more lonely than ever as his mother kept silent all through the drive. Once they reached home, he felt broken. 

He knew what his mother's silence meant. So he threw himself in his schoolwork, and a new ebook he devoured. He tried to ignore his rumbling stomach. He was always starving after an intense study session. He heard his parents have dinner downstairs. He couldn't believe they hadn't even called him to eat with them. 

He hesitated to step into the kitchen. But he also felt energised and positive from his unexpected encounter with his teacher that afternoon. He had felt emboldened by the person he was in that environment. He was going to university. He was an interesting young man people outside his family circle were fond of. He felt like embracing the world and kick the door wide open. 

None of his parents looked at him, pretending he didn't even exist. He made his way to the fridge quickly only to be interrupted by the snapping voice of his mother.

"What d'you think you're doing? I don't want to see your face ‘round here."

Josh was staring at the open fridge, completely still. He had become completely numb. It was just too much to take in. Too much, for too long.

"I told you to close the door, for God's sake!"

Josh felt something new inside him. Something he had never felt in the presence of any of his family members. 

He slowly turned to look at his mother. He looked straight into her eyes. Everything went silent around them. It was just him and his mother, engaged in an invisible fight. 

"I am never going out with you again." 

Marie-Camille Grangier