Have Another Smoke...

“Mom, I can’t believe you’re blaming me for today’s outburst. Why is it so hard for you to realize that your mom just despises me?” Ever since we had kids, The Wife and I refer to ourselves as "Mom" and "Dad."

“Listen, Dad, you and her have never gotten along since Christmas Break in South Africa. You know she’s getting older, so why do you have to needle her?”

“I know she’s your mom, and I understand that you’d be defensive. But all I did was suggest that I could make a pizza for the kids. You know they won’t get close enough to her boiled fish and vegetable dinner to even smell it. I didn’t realize that would cause such an explosion.”

“Jimmy, you can’t stand her in your kitchen. You know that it’s her turn to cook. We all take turns cooking down here.”

“I’m not letting our kids go hungry. Every time Grandma cooks I feel like I’m on a diet. I can’t stand her cooking. It’s nasty.”

“Be a grown up. You can be the bigger person here.”

“But I’m still not letting my kids go hungry. So what do we do about that?”

“Ok. I’m done. Stop.” Classic Wife reaction. When no solution presents itself, just declare the topic closed. It’s over. Until next time…

****

I can’t stand being here. I’m in the Outer Banks for summer vacation, and we’ve got three weeks to soak up everything Duck, North Carolina has to offer. Our beach house is a sweet setup too, with the house on the Sound side with family beach access. It’s the best of both worlds. It just sucks that my mother in law has it in for me. 

The two of us have never gotten along. This is my second marriage, and I came into it as an adult. The first wife and I had a decade of being mid-twenties post-adolescents, where inlaws functioned like actual second parents that provided advice and structure on how to build adult lives. The current inlaws expect a man in his forties to have a strong income, and to be the head of household. A Leave it to Beaver kind of homelife. That’s how they grew up, but that’s the opposite of my experience.

I was raised by a single mother, and now I teach middle school. I’ve always been a low-income dysfunctional, and have never been able to figure out what stable home life is supposed to look like. But I’m a great dad, and one of the things I’ve wondered about is if my mother in law doesn’t resent the fact that I’m an engaged father whereas her husband was totally aloof. He pretty much left her to raise The Wife and her siblings on her own and just provided financial support. I think she’s taking out on me the anger and frustration that she should have directed at Grandpa. 

The Wife always has to bring up the disaster of the South Africa Christmas Break. We had my parents and The Wife’s parents come for winter vacation, and stupidly, we had everyone stay in our house. Grandma’s anger built up all week, letting stupid shit like me putting her oatmeal on the top shelf where she couldn’t reach it, steam her water until it finally boiled over. I didn’t do that maliciously, it’s just where we kept the oatmeal! I did take a few shots at her though, like making a dig at her addiction to shopping. Grandma almost lost it because that snarky comment happened on a speaker call while we were using both our cars to schlep the family around on Safari. She couldn’t stand that, but held that fire in.

That Christmas vacation came to a screeching halt a few days shy of everyone going home though, and Grandma and I’s current relationship is an indelible legacy we can’t get over. The blow out happened during a huge, homemade spaghetti and meatballs dinner I spent several hours prepping. I’ve always been the family chef, and this one is a meal worth waiting for. I happily joined the family once I had set out all the food, kitchen sweat dripping off me, and innocently asked if we could turn the A/C on. “I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!” Grandma screeched as she threw her fork and spoon down, bouncing them off the dinner table. She leapt out of her chair, ran to her bedroom, frantically packed her and Grandpa’s bags, and they left the country the next day. She ended her vacation early because…what? Why? It was childish, and brought my wife to tears. She was mortified at how petulant Grandma had acted, but took it out on me like I had caused it. Had I? I dunno. I still can’t figure it out.

****

Why does this have to be so hard? There’s been an awkward tension for years now, as the entire family knows that Grandma and I are on tenuous terms at best. Even the slightest spark can ignite a wildfire. And we go through this every summer because every summer we need to come back to the US and see Grandma. And every summer is the same damn story!

So what do you do? What is there to do? Just to add a bit of extra fuel to The Wife’s fire, I’ve bought a pack of smokes and will spend the next two weeks down here until Grandma leaves with the armor of cigarette stink all over me. No one will dare to come close to me, and no one has the courage to say anything. It’s one of those taboos you’re not supposed to talk about, so you just don’t. But I’m doing this intentionally to keep everyone away from me. I’m on a family vacation, but need to isolate from the chaos. 

I tried to get away from the conflict by taking a smoke break on the dock. I’m sitting here stewing about my situation, when I hear the causeway boards thumping. The Wife is on the way to talk to me, and I can see from the scowl in her eyes that she smells my cigarette. This isn’t the relaxing summer vacation I needed, but I have to wonder if I’ve just brought this all on myself. And just thinking about it makes me jones for another smoke…

“So you’re smoking again?” She keeps distance because she hates the stink of it.

“Just this pack. I needed a release. I hate being here.” 

“I know you hate being here, but you need to try harder. This is my family, whether you like it or not.” 

“Why do I have to try harder? I still don’t see how this is my fault.” 

“It’s not your fault, but you don’t have to react to it. You know Grandma isn’t going to change. Everyone seems to know that but you.”

“But I hate being treated this way. It feels like there’s years worth of baggage thrown at me, and that most of it isn’t about me at all.”

“I know. You know I know that. But we just have to get through the next week with my parents here. Once they leave, we get the house to ourselves.”

“I’ll be a full-blown smoker again by that point.” I chuckle at that, which just makes The Wife even more disgusted. 

“You stink. Your kids want to know why you stink. What should I tell them?”

“Tell them Grandma is an asshole. I smell like Grandma’s asshole.” I really do start laughing at this, but The Wife turns away and stomps off. 

Shit. I’ve done it this time. This really is the summer vacation from Hell. I think I need another smoke….