Hard Decisions

I was driving, tears were running down my face, it was raining outside, it was night, I felt alone, and I have never felt such a mortifying pain. Was I the only one that was hurt by this? Was I just being dramatic, as every girl is? Was I just more invested? All of these questions did not matter, it hurt so bad I thought I could not breath, my emotional pain transformed into a physical pain.

Just an hour ago I was driving home, a smile on my face, not knowing what was going to happen next. I do not want to think about the series of events that took place. Where am I going to go now? I left my house, packed my things, in a city I did not know. How could I have thought that moving away from everyone and everything was going to be a good idea? How could I think someone who I loved so much could be so cruel? I just found myself at the parking lot of a motel, I had my savings so I could stay here for a bit, until I knew what to do, I am just going... I am just going to sleep for a bit. I can still feel the tears streaming down my face as I am sleeping, just cannot stop.

I wake up to the noise of knocking on my door. Who could have been? I get up and look through the door viewer. Why did I think it could be him? Why did I think there was so much hope? Why did I WANT him to be him? It was the doordash delivery guy, right before going to sleep I ordered some food, my favorite, Nick the Greek, I thought it was going to make me feel better. I open the door, he seems like a nice guy, just says "Enjoy your food", and me replying with a simple "Thanks", of course I gave him a tip, I am not going to seem like a cheapskate. I close the door, sit on my dirty and old bed, open the package, turn on the tv and stare at my dog, the only thing that can save me right now, she was just sitting on the floor right next to me, looking at me with her puppy eyes. My sweet sweet Chanel. I know it sounds like a bratty name but right when I got her, I brought her for a walk and I could not make her go pass the Chanel store, she was just staring inside the store, she did not want to move, and so I decided that that was going to be the perfect name for her, my sweet sweet girl. I just found myself looking at my food, the food that would always make me so happy anytime something happened, anytime I got a bad grade in college me and my friends would get this, every time I went through a breakup, every time I had some meaningless hook up which I thought was going to transform into the greatest love story of all times, because teenager girls are simply brought to these worlds, full of unconditional love, everyone having the perfect guy who could never hurt them, the love of a lifetime; I guess I watched The Notebook too many times. I am not hungry, so I put my falafel with frenchfries on the floor next to me and just keep watching Dr.Phil on the tv. Maybe watching all of these fucked up stories streaming internationally would make me feel better, and it did not. I felt asleep once again.

I wake up once again, it is 5am right now, the tv is still on, I turn it off. I look at my right and Chanel was sleeping, laying down right next to me and I just start patting her. How did I get to this point? In a new state, no friends, no job or family, and everything for the sake of someone else's job, someone I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I decided then I was not going to spend all my money and savings in this shitty hotel. I got up, changed in sweatpants and a hoodie, gave my room key back, grabbed and threw away my Nick The Greek and hopped on my car. I decided I was going to go back to my family, I was going back to San Francisco. The city I loved since I was a kid, the city in which there are all the people I love the most, the city where I thought I met the love of my life. An eight hour trip, Chanel next to me, and my one luggage with the most important things I could grab from the house. I drove, listened to music, stopped every two hours for Chanel to walk around and cried a little bit, I just could not control it, could not stop it. I finally got to the house I missed so much and thought about everyday for the past three months. I knock on the door and my beautiful mom opens the door, she does not seem surprised to see me, I put Chanel, which I was holding in my arms, on the floor and she goes in the house, being excited, and I hug my mom so hard, like I have never before. I sit on the couch in the living room and they explain me how what happened was thrown on social media by one of his friends. How is it possible that since social media no one can fucking mind their own business, and that is why my mom was not surprised to see me the next day.

Two weeks have passed, I decided I am leaving, I need a fresh start, I need to know more people and get out of my comfort zone.

I go online and purchase a ticket to Italy, find a mono room apartment that allows dog, and now I am leaving. Goodbye fucking Nick. Just a new beginning.