MOVING ON

MOVING ON

This happened back in the 80’s when I was only about 18. My girlfriend at the time was a fiesty redhead named Gille. Petite at 5’3” and 120 lbs but believe me, what she lacked in stature she made up for in attitude! She had piercing hazel eyes and long copper hair, more Auburn than ginger. She took pride in her appearance, athletic yet feminine. She had a fashion sense you could immediately recognize as ‘high end’ but kept it unpretentious enough to know nothing from Prada or Gucci would serve her.

When she was good, she was great, but when she was bad…she was the worst! No amount of logic or reason on earth could explain the nonsense she was capable of. Gille had a magnetic presence and a smile that was infectious, but even unprovoked she could turn on a dime and reveal a vicious nasty streak. Despite pharmaceutical interventions she eventually alienated just about everybody we knew, and yet, I still couldn’t resist falling in love and endlessly defending her. Why some creatures have that power over us is a mystery. I digress.

We did have a couple of great years behind us by this point, fuelled by all that legendary teenage angst we like to remember so fondly. I worked nights as a baker in a donut shop and Gille worked afternoons for a retail outfit in the mall. Each night after work she would come to the coffee shop and hang out while I prepared for my shift.

There was a motley mix of characters that hung out at the coffee shop in the evenings and a few became our close friends. Most of us were close in age and we all spent quite a bit of time together. Camping long weekends and hitting occasional concerts etc., but mostly we met there every night and hung out playing cards and shooting the shit. Some nights we would hit the local bars or end up at someone's place smoking weed and playing video games.

Three guys in particular were pretty close. They had gone to school together and lived in this neighbourhood all their lives. They kinda knew most of the customers that came in by name. Yeah it was a small town. Whenever anyone referred to ‘the boys’, this was who they meant.

Kevvy, Fitzy and T.J, to this day I have no idea what their whole and proper names are. It just never mattered. They all had girlfriends from time to time and each of them had rented their own places, but none of it ever lasted. That meant at any given time it’s likely at least one of them was couch surfing. Gille and I had become accustomed to their antics and played host often.

It had been a particularly long winter and everyone was feeling it. Heavy snow and wicked cold snaps were keeping people hunkered down at home and nobody was wasting energy travelling to hang at a drafty ‘ol coffee shop.

T.J. Had recently broken up with his most recent conquest, and because she was also his boss, he lost his job as well. He had moved in with her just 2 months after starting a new job so, to say he was short sighted is pretty accurate. My couch had become his new home for almost a month while he searched for a new apartment.

Kevvy and Fitzy were also playing roommates at the time while the city worked to figure out who was actually supposed to be paying the water bill at Fitzy's rooming house. Kevvy’s apartment was a 2+den with a big screen T.V., a Sony PlayStation and an oafy drooling Mastiff named Max. Never a dull moment.

T.J.’s predicament meant him and Gille had been spending a lot of time together. They had not been coming in much, claiming to be out apartment hunting or hanging at Kev’s playing games not wanting to deal with the weather. Occasionally I would pop in for a couple hours, joining in for a game or two. With our awkward schedules it was sometimes the only time I would see Gille awake. Lately none of the gang had been around

So one night I popped over to Kevvy’s unannounced and I immediately knew something was off. Kev came outside to meet me on the porch during a snowstorm wearing only a tee shirt. Said he was just going to have a puff outside cuz the smoke inside was too thick. These guys prided themselves on their hot boxing stamina so that was pure B.S.

In hindsight…I already knew. Every telling moment from the last few weeks flashed instantly in my minds eye. An awkward silence here, an unanswered call there, a flippant glance, a distant stare, an instinctual knowing that can’t be explained but also can’t be denied. At that moment I broke. Like a thousand lifetimes in slow motion. Every conceivable response and outcome downloaded instantly and played themselves out in front of me. When we locked eyes and acknowledged the betrayal, neither of us could have imagined the consequences to follow.

I said “you know what…I quit”

I turned and got back in my car without another word. Driving back to the coffee shop I was in full surrender. My thankless dead-end job was going nowhere, my shitty little apartment was never much and now was toxic, my soulmate and friend circle just imploded and I had no family. As my rage grew, a realization formed, I was free as a bird!

Walking in, the counter girl looked at me confused. I informed her that I was just grabbing my belongings and dropping off my apron, I was done. I grabbed $300 out of the till and told her I wouldn’t be back for my final pay so that would do. Said nice working with ya and wished her well.

When I got to the apartment I had a moment. It was the first of many I would have in the weeks to come. It started as nausea, walking through the doorway holding my breath, as if expecting to see a ghost, or some sort of silhouette of the two of them. Stepping in and seeing nothing, hearing nothing, for some reason this enraged me even more. On pure impulse I grabbed the door of her armoire and ripped it open quickly, again I expected to see something caught in the act and was devastated to find nothing helpful.

Something happened as I screamed. Something primal took over. I closed my eyes and clenched every muscle simultaneously until I quasi blacked out. My uncontrolled sobs became measured, my crying slowed into a guttural pant. With fists clenched and arms flexed my shoulders raised and lowered as though an exhausted heavy weight fighter had just won a title match. Then my adrenaline spiked and I lashed out. Ripping the door off its hinges as I yanked it down. Stomping the fucking thing into a million pieces until my leg finally gave up. Buckled over and defeated I actually began to laugh.

As I caught my breath and wiped my face I could now start to feel the throbbing pain in my ankle and shin. Rage was replaced with embarrassment and a calming came over me. Again I felt the relief I had felt back in the car and maybe even grinned a little. The absurdity of what just happened was probably going to be the defining force in my life going forward. Unclear on just exactly what the lesson to be learned here was, I took solace in knowing this would be one of my lowest lows. I could now build defences to assure this brand of poison could not hurt me again.

***

I left that day a different person. As I was packing it started to really set in. I had a duffel bag of clothes, a tote full of summer shorts and tees, and a minimalist collection of camping gear. Everything else was a ragtag collection of hand me downs and curbside acquisitions that I was happy to leave behind. My final act of aggression would be to raid the snack drawer and relieve her of all the granola bars we had loved so much, though I knew the sting would be softened when she found the $300 I left in their place.

Getting on the freeway and deciding North or Southbound was probably the instant the gravity of what I was doing hit me. It was always going to be South but suddenly how far South entered the equation. If being free was the intention and going far was the goal, how far was far? I could go all the way west to the mountains! Yes! Fuck yeah! Or…wait, what about the ocean?!

Academically I knew there was an ocean to the west, but west to me meant the mountains and the ocean meant Florida! I had been to Florida a few times over the years, mainly as a kid and under dramatically different circumstances. The thought of driving there right now, solo, unchecked and fancy free suddenly gave me goosebumps and it was immediately set in stone. I was leaving that night and driving straight through to Fort Myers. My last visit there was a chaperoned spring break and I was convinced I could pick up right where I left off and start my new life.

I hit the Georgia Florida line 23 hours later. While hardly an athlete, I was in pretty good shape physically, and blessed with a mental stamina true competitors would die for. Combine that with my newly steeled disposition and love of driving, I was capable of supernatural things on the road. Every mile and minute I got braver and more excited about the world ahead of me. No looking back…No regrets.

***

“Hi Mandy, it’s me Gille again. I’m sorry to keep bugging but have you heard from Jaques yet?”

“No, I told you, he took the cash from the till that night and said he wasn’t coming back” said Mandy

“But, he would need to get his final pay, and his vacation pay somehow. You can’t mail it cuz I’m not keeping the apartment” said Gille

“Well that’s none of your f’ng business! Look Gille, we both know what happened and why he’s gone. I wouldn’t tell you jack even if I did know where he is. As for how to reach him, that’s not your problem. Haven’t you done enough damage?”

“C’mon Mandy, I know you hate me and that’s fine, but Jaques needs to know what happened to the boys. He needs to know about Kevvy.”

“Ya whatever. Karmas a bitch. I hope Jaques is gone and stays gone!

Epilogue

The toxicology report showed a B.A.C of more than twice the legal limit plus trace amounts of marijuana present at the time of the accident. The driver sustained serious but non life threatening injuries and has been released pending future court appearance to face charges of DUI causing death. Tragically two of the three passengers on board were fatalities. Both men were locally known and families have been notified. A 4th female passenger was released with only minor injuries. A brief investigation shows the city transit driver was cleared of any fault and all passengers were transferred uninjured. The city says damage to the rear end of the bus is significant but repairable. No further charges are pending.