Internal Struggle

“Christine I’ll be better please, you have to trust me on this.”

This is all I hear on the phone like a broken record player. I don’t want to hear Zack anymore. I don’t want to hear this stupid excuse anymore. I know I’m stronger than that. Staring at the voice message he sent me and replaying it over and over like it’s an addiction. He cheated on me and that’s it. It’s been five years and he’s messed up everything. I want him back, but I can’t. It hurts too much.

***

I woke up to another voice message from Zack. I wish I had the strength to actually block him, but I want to hear his voice over and over like he’s still mine and never cheated on me.

“Christine, I love you darling. What happened in L.A. didn’t matter to me. I was being stupid and the guys egged me on. I miss you. Let me come over once and let me hold you again.”

I hate that I want to say yes. I want to be the one who takes him back and gives him that chance. The trust is broken, but I want him back. I finally put my phone done, trying not to give in the emotional part of me wanting to talk to him. Exiting my room I finally see my roommates after a day. Tracy who’s too blunt for her own good and the quite opposite, Jessie who loves to sugarcoat. When they found out about what Zack did, they both agreed not to indulge and keep ghosting him and block him.

I lied of course about blocking him.

“There you are Chrissy,” Tracy sighed in relief. “For a moment I thought I had to kick the door down to get to you.”

“And I told Tracy not to do that or she’ll be paying for the repairs as usual,” Jessie added in with a disapproving look. “But I made some cookies if you want to feel better with sweets. It’s on the table.”

I peeked over the kitchen wall arch to see the small dinner table with cookies in a small container in the middle.

“Thanks Jessie, but I’m not feeling hungry at all,” I uttered out in a low tone.

“Oh no,” Tracy sighed. “She’s too upset to eat.”

“Well what do you expect from someone going through a cheating breakup like this?” Jessie argued in a hushed tone even though I’m sure she knows I can clearly hear her. 

“Whatever,” Tracy waved off Jessie and took a few steps towards me, landing her hands on both of my shoulders. “Whatever you do Chrissy never go back to that jerk. He doesn’t deserve you. He doesn't deserve your heart. He definitely doesn’t deserve your cooking.”

The last part made me chuckle a little which resulted in Tracy creating a proud smile on her face.

“See I made her laugh!” she cackled. 

“Thank you Tracy for that,” I responded with a bit of a lip smile.

Then I had an idea. I was about to speak but Tracy’s expression was giving me a ‘Don’t even think about it’ vibe. 

“What if I’m just friends with him?” I asked.

Even Jessie’s jaw dropped. 

“Chrissy, you can’t do that to yourself!” Jessie shouted, surprisingly. 

“Jessie is right,” Tracy agreed. “Being friends with your ex after going through this won’t do you anything good. I am just glad enough you blocked him.”

I nodded slowly with a faint smile agreeing to their statements from then on.

***

“Chrissy, I need you in my life. I’m sorry. I won’t stop until you give me an answer. I know you didn’t block me, I wouldn’t have blocked you either if the roles were reversed. Please just one chance to talk. I just need you.”

This is impossible. I love hearing him and hearing that he needs me. I want to hear more. Then as if the universe read my thoughts…

Another voice message?

“One more chance, my sweet”

His voice is so soft and genuine sounding I want to call him and tell him I still love him. I’m not strong. I don’t think I can be. I need my Zack again. I miss him so much. I keep thinking that we could make it work, thinking that he changed, thinking he knew his mistake, and thinking he’s my true forever. After all, I never told my family we broke up.

I immediately threw my phone under my blanket as those thoughts began to flood my mind. There’s no way I thought about those comments. I couldn’t believe it. 

After I take a deep breath and shake my head, I turn to the closet door mirror to see myself looking like the worst version of myself. I got up and immediately sat on my desk that’s double as a mini vanity thanks to my tiny mirror. I opened the drawer of my makeup and took hold of my jewelry holder to bring it closer to me and got started.

***

I entered the coffee shop I adore, Lavender Location, smelling the scent of lavender mixed with coffee beans. Such an interesting smell to mix with, but since I’m used to it for a couple of years I love it. 

Walking through the not-so-busy shop, I could feel my long black skirt flow as I walked, adjusted my book bag over my shoulder to bring out my wallet to be ready, and adjusted my red laced tank top. I even brought a cardigan that’s in my bag in case it got too cold in here.

I got in behind a man that was second in line to order. He looks familiar from the back, but I ignored that feeling and went through my phone.

I noticed he walked forward to the counter and I took a step forward as well, but not too close. I kept scrolling through my phone. Then I heard him.

“Chrissy?”

That’s Zack voice. I look up from my phone finally and see my ex in front of him. His fluffy brown hair is more fluffy, he’s wearing one of those star pimple patches I let him use way before his trip that's on his left cheek, and he slowly smiled at me. A smile I melted for when I first went out with him.

“Earth to Chrissy?” He chuckled, waving his hand not too close to my face but where he’s at, not crossing any boundary. “Are you alright?”

Before I even decided to respond, I felt my legs making a fast retreat towards the door. Everything doesn’t feel surreal when I get to my car and to my apartment safely. I ignored the greeting Jessie gave me when I entered and instantly went to my bedroom. 

Every piece of clothing came off to switch to my pajamas and even wiped off my makeup. I didn’t even care that I tossed practically everything on the floor. I went to my bed and screamed into my pillow. I wanted to kiss Zack right there in public. His smile was too much for me. I want to be strong, but the fact I couldn’t even talk to him showed how awful I am when it comes to my feelings.

I look up from my phone after I hear a message notification go off and I see a message from Zack.

I hope I didn’t scare you Chrissy. 

He could never scare me.

I’m still in love with you

I hate it when he says that. It makes me want to say it back. It’s not fair! 

Before I knew it, I clicked on his contact, and hit the call button.