The Reflection

Come on Stacy. It's just a mirror. That's what I have to tell myself every morning for years. It's ridiculous. I'm 23 and I have to give myself a pep talk before looking in the bathroom mirror. As a child, I assumed I would just grow out of my silly phobia. So far no luck. No matter how many times I tell myself that there is nothing to be scared of, my heart still speeds up and my breathing still becomes heavy when I have to look at my reflection. I am an adult. I am fully grounded in reality. And yet...

Every time I look at my reflection I am positive that something is going to be behind me staring back. All my other fears seemed to dissolve as I became more mature. But spectrophobia stayed. After taking a deep breath, I walk into my bathroom. I count to three and look up. Just like every morning, I'm the only thing staring back. I shake my head at my irrationality. Why can't I shake this stupid fear? With an exasperated sigh, I start my morning routine and get ready for work.

When I get to Starbucks I put on my apron and get ready for the slew of customers who start trickling in. It's mid-October which means 80% of the customers are all ordering the same drink. My coworker Raina and I, stand behind the counter, making pumpkin spice lattes until I am positive my brain is going to either explode or melt. When the next woman comes in, ordering, surprise, surprise, a pumpkin spice latte, I tell Raina that I'm going to the bathroom.

When I leave the stall, I go to wash my hands, looking down the entire time so I can avoid the mirror. This is absurd. I'm never going to get over this fear if I don't start facing it more often. Before I have more time to think about it, I whip my head up and stare at my reflection. And the reflection of a cloaked creature behind me. "AHH!" I nearly jumped out of my skin and whirled around, ready to lunge for the bathroom door, but...there was no one there. My heart is beating so loud, it's hard to think straight. That thing was going to kill me. I could feel it in my bones. I'm about to walk out the door when my legs give out and I collapse to the ground. A lady walks in with a concerned look on her face. When she sees me on the ground her eyes go wide.

"Are you okay? I heard you scream," she says in a worried tone. I almost tell her no. That a monster was just behind me. That I could have sworn I almost died. That my worst fear was somehow coming true. But where was the proof? The cloaked creature was gone. There was no trace of it. Instead, I told her, "Yes I just slipped. I'm fine." With a smile that I knew couldn't possibly be convincing, I stood up, walked past her, and went behind the counter to continue with my work. Unfortunately, making coffee was the kind of job that kept your hands busy but allowed your mind to wander.

What was that thing? Has anyone else seen it? Was it just in my head? Am I going crazy? The last two questions made me pause. Of course, it was all in my head. Clearly, this fear had gotten out of control. I had never told anyone about my phobia but if it had escalated to the point where I was hallucinating, then clearly I needed some actual medical attention.

That night I scheduled a doctor's appointment for the following day. I then got ready for bed while avoiding looking at my reflection as much as possible. Every once in a while I would accidentally catch a glimpse of myself in a window or some other reflective surface. Every time I did that my heart froze for a moment. Every time I did this nothing showed up but my own reflection. I couldn't wait to talk to a doctor.

Well, that was useless, I think to myself as I leave the hospital. Apparently, talking with a counselor is going to solve all my problems. As if I haven't been talking to myself about this for years. If I haven't been able to talk myself out of this fear by now, I highly doubt a counselor will be able to. When I get home I sit on the couch, fuming about how stupid I am. This fear was completely irrational. I was imagining monsters in my mirror for crying out loud!

After that last thought, I snapped. I was sick and tired of this. I marched to my bathroom, ready to tackle this fear head-on. If something showed up behind me I would just turn around. That was what apparently got rid of the hallucination. I was determined to not even jump. I walked into the bathroom and took a deep breath. Then, just like in Starbucks, I whipped my head up and looked at myself in the mirror. And just like in Starbucks, I wasn't the only thing I saw.

Behind me, the same horrifying monster as before stared at me. This time I didn't shriek. Just like I promised myself, I didn't even jump. I took a moment to study the monster. It had a dark cloak covering most of him, but I could just make out his beady little eyes and rotting flesh. I had to give myself props. I had a pretty good imagination. This thing was scary. Ready for it to go away, I turned around. And came face to face with the monster I was just looking at in the mirror. It smiled a bone-chilling smile. And in a deep gravelly voice, the thing laughed and then said,

"That silly fear of yours wasn't all that silly now was it?"