The Road Home

           I started the engine in the car, the exhaustion was setting in. The mad dash to the time clock when the clock struck 5 was the highlight of the younger employees, but my day was far from over. The few minutes that my car warmed up was the only me time I ever got to myself.

           I pulled out of my parking spot when the needle on the temperature gauge moved slightly up. I couldn’t afford to have this car repaired. The last time my car needed to be repaired I needed to dip into the kid’s sporting activities. It did not go over well with Will. He called me selfish and that he could never do the things that his friends did.

           The drive home took an extra half hour because of traffic. Traffic during rush hour was the worst. I hated that I spent so much time in traffic, but it was a chance to be by myself. This was the chance of clearing my head, getting work out of my head and getting ready to connect with the most important people in my life. My boys.

           I pulled out of the parking lot just as my phone rang. Just on time. She just couldn’t give me the drive home by myself. “Hi, mom.”

           “Just want to make sure you’re on your way home.”

           “Of course, if I was working late I would have called you long before now.”

           “Alright, I just was making sure. I promised your brother I would go over his house for dinner. I don’t get to his kids as much as yours.”

           “I’ll be home is about 45 minutes.” I’ll never live up to the expectations of my family. It was not my fault that I must work to support my family.

           “I have to make time to see your brother and sister. You know they also have children.”

           “I know mom.” It always turns into a lecture of how my siblings are so much more accomplished then me. “Can I talk to you when I get home?”

           “Sure. I have to tell you what Christopher did today.”

           “I’ll talk to you when I get home.” She always knows how to make me even more sad about my life. I would love to be home with my baby instead of working, but life doesn’t always work out that way. “Bye, mom.”

           “Bye.”

           It took all my will to not to cry. I struggled every day to choose between spending time with her children and working overtime. I could use the money but I miss being with my babies.  I miss everything: getting them off the bus, doing homework with them, playing with them. This is my life, never being good enough for my family. I set out to become something.

           I spent far too much time on this road on the way home. The stop and go traffic was the worst and nothing could be done to make it easier. I usually thought about what I needed to do when I got home. Start dinner, what homework Michael needed to finish, what problems did Will get into today, and what mischief did Christopher get into today. I wish I could spend more time with them, but life did not work out that way.

           My thoughts drifted to what I thought my life would like at this point in my life. The downside of traffic, drifting thoughts. I needed to focus on life now. I keep promising myself that things will get better. Christopher will be starting kindergarten soon and my mother will not have to be home all day with him.

I started to think about all the things that needed to be done this weekend. Will had a big game, if they win they go to the playoffs. It would be a shame if they didn’t win, they put so much time and energy into practice. On the other hand, Michael wanted a new baseball glove, not the hand me down from Will. Either way, there was going to be a fight.

           I stopped at the red light and caught a glimpse of my phone. I received an emailed from my boss. When I got this job, I told my boss that my family comes first and I will not be working all hours of the night. I just needed money to pay the bills, weekend and evenings were reserved for my kids. Just then her name displayed on my screen. I hesitated.

           “Hello, Christine.”

           “I wanted to catch you before you got home. I know how crazy life gets when your kids want all of your attention.”

           “Yeah, it’s been a transition. I didn’t get to read the email that you sent me.”

           “I figured you didn’t. I wanted to tell you that you are replaceable. The work will go on if you are not there to do it.”

           “What are you saying?” My heart dropped. I needed this job. Maybe if I worked more overtime, been more willing to be at Christine beck and call. How was I going to survive? What was I going to do?

           “Do you know what my boss told me when I said I wanted to hire you?”

           “No.”

           “Not assistant material.”

           “Oh.”

           “I agreed with him and hired you anyway. Want to know why?”

           “I see potential in you.”

           “What does that mean?” Potential, no one has ever said that to me. Potential for what?

           “Potential to do great things. This is going to be your first step.”

           “The first step to what.”

           “The rest of your life.”

           I didn’t know what to say. Why was she telling me this?

           “Think about it. I’ll see you in the office tomorrow.” She hung up, like the whirlwind she always is in the office.

           I was already on the highway and couldn’t read the email that she had sent me. What could she have sent me? She saw potential in me to do great things. What does that even mean? I thought that this would be my life. Things could be changing for the better. For the past two years, I couldn’t think of possible good future.

           It had gotten darker since I left the office and my thoughts drifted to the dark times these past two years. My mood had gotten brighter as I drove home. I could take the remarks from my mother that I was not being a good mother. Somehow that didn’t matter anymore. I had potential.

           I lost track of time. I pulled into my driveway and couldn’t wait to see what Christine had sent me. I had misgivings about this job. Was I qualified? What would she expect? I opened the email and took a deep breath. I read: “I know that a position will be opening soon. I sent everything you will need to know to apply for that position.”

           Life doesn’t always work out the way you think it will, but is that a bad thing?